The Top

My friend parked between two other cars and as I was about to get out of the car, he said, "hold on, I'm gonna move to that spot", since he noticed the parking spot in front of him had more room. So he slowly drove forward for a few meters and then we were parked again. It was such a small distance and at such low speed that I didn't bother to buckle up again. Unfortunately for me, the police officer who saw me in those five seconds where I wasn't wearing the seatbelt, didn't believe me when I tried to explain that I had just unbuckled my seatbelt moments before we moved to that parking spot. He was firmly convinced that I wasn't wearing my seatbelt the whole time and gave me a fine of 110€... That's roughly 139$. I fear I won't be able to fight this ticket. After a quick search on Google, I found out that in Belgium the parking lot of a store is also considered a "public road". Ridiculous.

By astraboy - 21/05/2009 09:11 - Australia

Today, I spent 3 hours making a birthday card for my boyfriend, delicately cutting each letter out of printed coloured paper. He used it as a coffee coaster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 205

You deserved it 8 536

By pandora - 13/06/2012 09:08 - Israel - Palmahim

Today, I fell asleep on the bus. When I woke up, my head was resting on the broad, tanned shoulder of the smoking hot guy sitting next to me. I had drooled a little. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 558

You deserved it 5 098

How can I put it…?

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my mom asked me what a MILF is. Apparently that's her nickname at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 710

You deserved it 4 621

By Anonymous - 21/08/2015 16:07 - United States - San Leandro

Today, after months of taking care of my grandma after a surgery, the doctors gave her a clean bill of health, and I finally got to sleep in my own bed. She passed away while I was at home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 108

You deserved it 1 809

By Anonymous - 06/05/2014 22:47 - United States - Sparks

Today, while working at Home Depot, a customer tried to engage me in a conversation about which gardening tool would "hypothetically" be the best to kill his wife with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 454

You deserved it 3 837

The key to happiness

By Luke - 25/07/2010 22:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I was helping a friend move. Before we arrived, he put his key on my key ring to keep it safe. When we got there, he promptly shoved my front door key into the lock and snapped it clean off. Not only can we not get into his house, but now I can't get back into mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 909

You deserved it 4 098

Snuggle up

By addictedtofml - 24/02/2009 07:31 - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend crying to tell him I had the most terrible day. He said I should come over, and he would make me feel better. I said I just want to snuggle, and I was impressed with his sincerity. Then he said, "Can we snuggle... with my dick in you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 836

You deserved it 19 992

New kink unlocked

By sausages - 17/01/2014 20:56 - Macedonia - Skopje

Today, I went to get my first tattoo. Before we started, the tattooist told me to just relax and embrace the pain. I guess I did that too well; I kept getting an erection throughout. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 200

You deserved it 8 448

By thank god you'll only live once - 08/11/2013 20:12 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, in the lunch line at school, a kid literally ordered a "hamburger with extra swag." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 163

You deserved it 3 780

By thanks, fuckface - 16/11/2012 19:42 - United States - Parachute

Today, just as I was about to orgasm, my boyfriend whispered, "Cum, my preciousssss" into my ear, in his scarily accurate Gollum voice. I think my clitoris just about withered away in despair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 227

You deserved it 4 178

By Anonymous - 25/09/2013 10:37 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I realised I sweat so much that I won't be able to go without sticking super pads with wings to my shirt underarms everyday. It makes supermarket trips interesting. Especially as a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 265

You deserved it 3 904

By ChocoMilkManG - 03/07/2009 01:37 - United States

Today, I found some Nesquick Chocolate Milk mix in my pantry which sounded good. While making a glass, I got angry because not all of the mix would disolve. Frustrated, I downed the drink. When I finished I looked in the glass and realized the mix that wouldn't disolve was actually tiny ants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 290

You deserved it 18 008

By Anonymous - 14/07/2013 04:13 - Canada - Sault Sainte Marie

Today, some guys were doing construction on my house, when one of them came over and started asking me about my "hot sister". That "sister" is my 13-year-old daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 107

You deserved it 4 453

Roasted

By Whitley - 04/11/2010 15:17 - United States

Today, I made salmon patties and boiled cabbage. I smelled smoke from my stove burner, but thought I spilled something in the burner. No big deal. Later, this horrible smell started coming from the stove. My husband took the stove apart, only to find that I had fried a mouse as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 525

You deserved it 4 087

By flyakite - 22/08/2014 03:53 - United States

Today, my boss decided our 4 year relationship was unethical, so she broke up with me, then terminated my employment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 170

You deserved it 6 617

It's only rock n roll

By anlhawks - 10/09/2010 04:02 - United States

Today, I bought my boyfriend two concert tickets (of our favorite band) for his birthday. I was expecting him to bring me since I gave them to him and I like the band too. He said, "Sweet, thanks, I'll call my friend now and see if he wants to go. Think you could give us a ride?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 052

You deserved it 6 029

By polish_chik - 01/09/2009 04:00 - Canada

Today, I saw a poor helpless cat in the middle of the road while driving. I pulled over and scooped it in my arms to bring it to safety. Not only did I get mauled and scratched by the cat, my car also wasn't put in park and rolled away hitting a parked car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 314

You deserved it 38 840

By thinner than you - 20/11/2012 21:57 - United States - Hillsborough

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm now about 15 pounds overweight. When I called him a hypocrite as he's over 40 pounds overweight, he said that his weight didn't matter because "it's the girl's job to look hot." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 776

You deserved it 5 397

By I hate my brother - 20/03/2016 18:53 - United States - Lafayette

Today, I just came back from Afghanistan after a 9-month tour, and my brother asked, "How many towelheads did you kill?" He then acted offended when I smacked him upside the head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 971

You deserved it 2 019

By mathgenius - 08/10/2013 19:17 - Norway - Kolltveit

Today, I passed my math test with flying colors. My dad thought I had cheated, so he emailed the school and told them that I had. They lowered my grade. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 735

You deserved it 3 715

By Anonymous - 08/11/2011 17:20 - United States

Today, after holding it in for hours, I finally managed to run to the bathroom for a pee. I thought it was impossible for rats to climb up the sewer pipes and into the toilet, but apparently I was wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 898

You deserved it 2 736

By Anonymous - 10/09/2013 17:44 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I realized that it's become a regular occurrence for my mother and me to talk about our pubic hair. I don't know which is worse, the fact that I now know that she shaves it, or the fact that we even talk about this stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 176

You deserved it 13 921

**** off!

By my back hurts - 04/09/2013 05:25 - Australia - Campbelltown

Today, I spent a large portion of the afternoon playing hide and seek with the door-to-door salesman who saw me sneak in the back door and won't stop knocking. No amount of hiding behind the couch will make him go away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 650

You deserved it 7 440

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Keywords

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The Top

Today, I found out that I've been paying student fees for the wrong account. Apparently I have been paying for some other student's tuition. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 093

You deserved it 8 027

The Haka is legit.

I agree, your life sucks 301

You deserved it 66

Today, it was my friend's birthday, so I baked him a cake complete with his name written on it in homemade frosting. After I gave it to him, his mother berated me for it, saying I should have checked with her first before making a cake for her son. He's 28. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 776

You deserved it 2 796

Today, my girlfriend threw my X-box out the window, because I asked her how much she weighs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 301

You deserved it 56 463

Today, I was on a double date at a restaurant with two friends of mine and a guy I really liked. Things started getting really quiet so I decided to start talking to make things a little bit less awkward even though I was eating. I ended up spitting a piece of chicken across the table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 255

You deserved it 45 103

Today, the only birthday present I got was a gift card to a steak house. Not a bad gift, but I'm a vegan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 827

You deserved it 8 443