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By Uhmm... - 13/05/2011 23:06 - Canada

Today, I walked in on my brother slipping into a pair of panties. Specifically, a pair of my panties. FML

agreeclassic 47 068

vote type 1 4 310

By Anonymous - 05/01/2011 20:49 - United States

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. He's been calling his penis "fun-sized" for a while now, but I didn't know he meant it really was the size of a fun-size candy bar. I'm pretty sure I'm still technically a virgin. FML

agreeclassic 55 370

vote type 1 9 368

By Mom - 11/06/2011 17:25 - United States

Today, I found out all about my son's secret online double life. He's been moonlighting for two years as a male prostitute by the name of Peter Parker. FML

agreeclassic 45 536

vote type 1 5 599

Insult to injury

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years left me for a guy whose favorite color is camouflage. FML

agreeclassic 41 251

vote type 1 5 924

By WTF - 09/06/2012 13:54 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I saw my mom changing the expiry date on milk. She genuinely thought this would make the milk sour later. FML

agreeclassic 29 802

vote type 1 2 218

Heeeeelp!

By mel - 30/08/2009 15:23 - United States

Today, I had a stressful day at work and decided to go in the jacuzzi. I hadn't used it for a year, so it was a little dirty. After I cleaned it, filled it up, and jumped in, I pressed the jets. Immediately, thousands of dead moths shot out at full speed towards me. FML

agreeclassic 58 959

vote type 1 15 816

By Becky - 21/08/2009 23:51 - United Kingdom

Today, my family bet me $20 to wear a Disney Princess hat for the entire day around a theme park. I am 17 years old. We decided to go for lunch in one of the restaurants. After we finished, a woman gave my parents a leaflet on how to cope with disabled children. FML

agreeclassic 39 766

vote type 1 9 476

By Anonymous - 30/11/2013 16:09 - United States - Deer Park

Today, my mother in-law made dessert. It was a beautiful chocolate cake, chocolate cookies, and every other thing had chocolate in it. I'm deathly allergic to chocolate and she knows this. FML

agreeclassic 51 726

vote type 1 3 693

By neverdateaclosetcase - 17/11/2010 18:16 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend asked me to meet his parents over Christmas. I was ecstatic. But there was one condition: I must go dressed as a girl since he hasn't worked up the nerve to come out to his parents yet. We've been dating for over a year. FML

agreeclassic 46 422

vote type 1 13 529

Booktok

By eakthegeek - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was sexing it up with my boyfriend. Halfway through, he looked at me and said, "Y'know what you never see in a porno? Intellectual conversation. Read any good books lately?" He wouldn't keep going until I answered. FML

agreeclassic 31 815

vote type 1 7 078

By smoochie - 01/08/2009 21:37

Today, I was holding my baby daughter during a checkup. To reassure her, I was kissing the back of her head while the Dr. was checking her hearing. After a few minutes, I realized the Dr. had put his hand to steady her head. I was kissing his hand. FML

agreeclassic 42 058

vote type 1 23 376

By skinny dipper - 21/10/2011 02:48 - United States

Today, I was caught skinny dipping by the police. With the arresting officer's daughter. FML

agreeclassic 46 066

vote type 1 12 780

By Mouhahaa - 09/05/2012 03:48 - France

Today, my wife stabbed my hand with a fork, making it bleed. I'd only tried to take some fries from her plate. FML

agreeclassic 408

vote type 1 382

By jerkgirl - 08/04/2009 05:18 - United States

Today, while getting my hair done, I was annoyed that the beautician was not paying attention while straightening my hair. After asking her three times to watch what she was doing, I grabbed the iron and said "let me do it, you're going to burn me!". I then burned two layers of skin off my ear. FML

agreeclassic 10 747

vote type 1 113 312

By jordeshting - 22/06/2011 15:28 - United Kingdom

Today, I complimented a girl on her stockings pattern. Turns out she wasn't wearing stockings. FML

agreeclassic 32 727

vote type 1 8 616

By MattBC97 - 27/03/2012 16:24 - United States - Aurora

Today, I got more happy birthday wishes on my porn account than my Facebook. FML

agreeclassic 14 041

vote type 1 31 017

MattBC97 app_comment_confession_title

MattBC97 4

Wednesday 28 March 2012 6:55

DAMN IT now I got more Happy Birthday wishes on FML than my **** account... Shit.

By DUMMIE - 04/03/2010 00:07 - United States

Today, we were working with infant and adult CPR dummies. After practising flawless CPR on the adult dummy, I announced "And that's how you save someone." Then I tripped on the baby dummy and fell. My co-worker stood up and yelled out, "And that's how you kill a baby." FML

agreeclassic 10 655

vote type 1 30 319

By jlover42 - 01/05/2009 21:07 - United States

Today, I forgot my inhaler. I had an asthma attack and had to go to the ER. The doctors told me it wasn't an asthma attack. It was just a panic attack from worrying about whether I would get an asthma attack. FML

agreeclassic 64 876

vote type 1 18 353

A night to remember

By Donzai - 30/03/2009 22:17 - Canada

Today, I was at my boss's house for a company BBQ. Earlier I had taken muscle relaxants to calm my lower back pain. After a few drinks it was clear the alcohol and medication did not mix. I woke up few hours later to find out I had stripped naked and jumped into the 4-foot cake before passing out. FML

agreeclassic 32 518

vote type 1 81 283

By magnolia - 14/07/2010 02:10 - United States

Today, I accidentally filled the lemonade machine with margarita mix that already had the tequila mixed in. It was served to three kids before anyone figured it out. FML

agreeclassic 13 406

vote type 1 42 662

By Junior - 26/01/2010 07:35 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because of my dad constantly hitting on her. Not because she was disgusted, but because she wants to date him. FML

agreeclassic 56 747

vote type 1 2 967

By Anonymous - 22/10/2011 04:07 - United States

Today, while cooking with my girlfriend, I thought it would be funny to slap her with a raw porkchop. She thought it would be funny to throw the hot cooking grease on me. FML

agreeclassic 15 436

vote type 1 54 881

By Anonymous - 08/07/2012 11:26 - Australia

Today, I witnessed my boyfriend sneeze in his hands, and then lick it. FML

agreeclassic 33 126

vote type 1 3 502

By leftwardfoil - 19/08/2011 06:32 - United States

Today, I woke up to my roommate sniffing my underwear. He said he was checking if they were clean, so he could borrow them later. Which may have been reasonable, if I weren't still sleeping in them. FML

agreeclassic 47 625

vote type 1 3 406

By JackieD - 25/08/2014 18:05 - United States - Bellevue

Today, I was watching the movie Frozen with my 8 year old daughter. I had seen it before, so I sung along with some of the songs. My daughter put a finger over my lips, said "Shhhhhhhhut the fuck up," then turned back to the TV, giggling. FML

agreeclassic 42 110

vote type 1 16 242

By Username - 03/08/2011 14:33 - United States

Today, I got an anonymous letter, stating my condo's community and all my neighbors can hear me having sex. Not only that, but kids gather around my window to listen. FML

agreeclassic 18 705

vote type 1 37 626

If the shoe fits…

By Bruce - 17/08/2010 17:09 - United States

Today, I discovered a bat in my new apartment. I found him in my shoe… with my foot. FML

agreeclassic 37 719

vote type 1 3 658

By what434 - 08/03/2010 13:19 - United States

Today, I learned that you don't put your diamond earrings on over your bathroom sink. FML

agreeclassic 11 292

vote type 1 44 569

By Anonymous - 31/07/2012 16:17 - United States - Hudsonville

Today, a girl told me she couldn't text me anymore, because she was too tired and had to sleep. Over the next three hours, she updated her Facebook and Twitter accounts, and made a YouTube video of herself singing. FML

agreeclassic 31 394

vote type 1 6 130

Help yourself

By AshamedDaughter - 17/08/2011 07:14 - Canada

Today, my Dad and I went to McDonald's, only to have him shove two handfuls of sugar packets into the bag. He said, "If it's for free, why only take one?" To make it worse, my crush was at the till, watching what was happening. FML

agreeclassic 28 648

vote type 1 3 783

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Top

Today, my girlfriend and I were going to have sex. To set the mood, she suggested we watch a porno she once starred in. FML

agreeclassic 63 061

vote type 1 9 505

Today, months after a severe poison ivy rash, I have learned that I now have a very intense poison ivy allergy. As in, any exposure to poison ivy at all will cause my face, hands, thighs, and groin to swell up and itch madly for up to a week. FML

agreeclassic 433

vote type 1 80

Today, I went to a costume party dressed as Prince. As I walked into the party, I realized that I was the only one who hadn't received the memo that the costume part of the party had been cancelled. I spent the evening awkwardly mingling with a group of confused strangers while dressed in purple satin. FML

agreeclassic 735

vote type 1 159

Today, my friend sent me the link to this website with a message that said, "You'll feel at home." FML

agreeclassic 24 498

vote type 1 3 146

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend of nine months when she gets a phone call and decides to answer it. It was her fiancé that I knew nothing about. She told me she was engaged while I was still inside of her. FML

agreeclassic 117 730

vote type 1 8 732

Today, I was feeling really sick at work. I messaged my boss whether his girlfriend, who also works there, could cover me. He then came down, shouting at me that whatever illness I have, I've also passed on to his girlfriend. I'm pregnant. FML

agreeclassic 52 289

vote type 1 3 782