The Top

Hey guys its me OP, To clarify, my mom told me that she was planning to do this only if the Heimlich maneuver did not work. I was choking on the chip pretty badly and could not breathe so she was thinking about the worst possible scenario. Luckily, I got it out and I am fine and no throats were cut. (This time). When she told me about her (bad) plan to perform a tracheotomy I told her about the scene with Sandra Bullock in The Heat and the dangers of doing one without training (and that TV does not count as training). I also may have mentioned that I would rather choke out and die than have my throat cut open with a steak knife on the kitchen floor.... Thanks for all of your comments! -OP

It wasn't me

By Florida Girl - 09/03/2019 12:00

Today, I met my boyfriend’s parents for the first time today and learned that his mom is from the same area as my dad. Before I could tell a funny story about my dad’s senior prank, his mom said that during her senior year, some asshole spray painted their school mascot on their football field. That was my dad’s senior prank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 418

You deserved it 380

By NoBasement4U - 26/11/2015 20:24 - Canada - Medicine Hat

Today, my dad went to a hardware store to replace the broken shower head in my bathroom. He got the cheapest shower head he could find, and so when I took a shower, the shower head burst out and hit me square in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 443

You deserved it 2 138

Fuel to the fire

By Why? - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Saint Charles

Today, our dog died. My daughter was really upset about it, so my husband tried to cheer her up by saying, "At least she will be doing something that she liked forever: Sleeping!" My daughter continued to cry for half an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 293

You deserved it 2 092

Empty gesture

By Anonymous - 31/10/2015 05:44 - Canada - London

Today, my mother in law basically said I deserve my breast cancer, all because I declined to take part in one of her "March Against Cancer" events a while ago. I guess donating money to cancer research instead of going on a meaningless march really messed up my karma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 003

You deserved it 1 803

Gross

By seriously_CAT - 21/10/2015 02:26

Today, I had to try to convince my roommate that, yes, you do need to use dish soap when you hand wash dishes because of bacteria in old food. She still won't believe me, insisting that, "There's no such thing as bacteria in food." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 676

You deserved it 1 628

Catch 22

By Jobless - 10/12/2016 03:35

Today I was fired from my job. They fired me because they couldn't work around my college schedule. The only reason they hired me was because they were looking for college students and without a job I can't go back to school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 339

You deserved it 617

By vanillapudding6 - 14/10/2015 01:21 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my mom and dad went to court to negotiate child support for me and my brothers. During the meeting, my dad was asked, "Sir, are you saying that the only reason you want your sons to live with you full time is so you don't have to pay child support?" To which he responded, "Yes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 282

You deserved it 1 581

By Anonymous - 28/05/2013 16:51 - United States - Ozark

Today, I confessed to my girlfriend that I cheated on her. She told me that she needed time to think, and left. An hour later, her dad came by with a baseball bat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 233

You deserved it 146 965

By KereKris - 01/12/2016 19:18

Today, I wrote a bad review for a pizza place after their pizza gave me food poisoning. Now, they won't stop calling me, begging me to take my review down in exchange for free pizza. I have tried to tell them that I wouldn't eat their pizza again even if I got paid to do so, but they won't listen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 615

You deserved it 1 401

By Till We Pass Out - 03/10/2015 15:30 - United Kingdom - Halifax

Today, I was pushing so hard to take a number two that I ended up passing out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 675

You deserved it 5 310

By Anonymous - 01/06/2017 18:00 - Australia

Today, I'm a youth worker. I drove 7 hours to visit a teenage girl I have been working with, and who recently moved. Due to roadworks, it took me 2 hours longer than expected. When I arrived, she told me to fuck off and closed the door in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 189

You deserved it 551

By Enslaved - 15/11/2016 08:40

Today, I told my long-distance friend about the flooding in Florida due to the Supermoon. He's a Flat Earther and despite proof, denies the coincidence because he believes the moon and gravity aren't what we're taught. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 604

You deserved it 1 311

By MedHistory - 15/09/2015 20:40 - Canada - Laval

Today, I decided to give a break to my students halfway through my three hour lecture. The break became the end of the lecture, because nobody came back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 306

You deserved it 4 656

Dirty room

By love you too honey boo - 13/01/2020 05:00

Today, I sent a scantily clad pic to my boyfriend, to which he responded "Nice, but please clean your room". FML

I agree, your life sucks 953

You deserved it 2 334

By wtf is a naruto?! - 27/07/2019 09:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today, I was helping my cousin plan her backyard wedding. I requested September 19-21 off for visiting and festivities. My asshole of a boss is refusing, because of some proposed Area 51 invasion. I have no idea what he’s talking about, and I’m afraid I might miss the wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 982

You deserved it 180

By Anonymous - 25/09/2016 04:27 - United States - Cabot

Today, I got my dog some weight loss formula food, as she is very overweight. This new food makes her have horrible gas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 754

You deserved it 2 101

Puppy training

By doggone - 05/05/2012 23:07 - United States - King Of Prussia

Today, I walked in on my new puppy peeing on the carpet. The trainer had told me to punish her when she's bad by shaking a metal can of pennies at her, since the noise scares dogs. I shook it at her, and she responded by having explosive diarrhea all over the carpet in fright. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 009

You deserved it 34 962

By sweet pea - 22/09/2016 21:48 - Canada - Red Lake

Today, my mom told me she wouldn't be able to leave my middle-aged brother at home for Christmas in order to meet her first grandchild. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 415

You deserved it 887

By Ew-dles - 09/09/2017 20:00

Today, I was finishing a bowl of ramen while watching a video. As I scooped up the last bits, I realized the clump of seasoning I had been saving for last was actually a dead fly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 511

You deserved it 708

By Anonymous - 13/09/2017 08:00 - Canada - Grand Bay

Today, I thought it would be funny to mow a dick into my grandmother's lawn, but the mower leaked gasoline and now there's a giant dead grass outline. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 162

You deserved it 4 652

FML on Facebook

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The Top

Today, an attractive woman on a bus told my girlfriend I was good looking and that she was a lucky woman. She immediately took me home, shagged me vigorously, cried, and then broke up with me because, “It’s not you, it’s me.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 320

You deserved it 197

Today, I started my treatment for dental aligners. I talked to myself a bit to see how I sounded and it turns out that I have a small lisp. I wanted to share how I sounded with someone, then I realized I don't have anyone I can call. I have to wait 3 days until someone can hear my funny new lisp at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 841

You deserved it 144

Today, I'm all alone for the holidays. The guy I was kicking it with ghosted me. I went to the guy I rejected for being too overweight for my taste, and not only has he lost weight, he now has a girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 120

You deserved it 1 251

Today, I twisted my knee while cutting firewood with my grandpa. The pain was so crippling, I fell over screaming. His response? "Quit your bitching, I had my kneecaps blown off in Vietnam. They had to stitch 'em back on." He's never been to Vietnam, or even out of the country. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 601

You deserved it 2 271

Today, I made a mosaic for my grandma out of her old crockery, after I had finished it, I found out from a neighbour that some of the plates looked like Wedgewood. So I dug through the stuff that I didn't use. It turns out the original lot would have been worth about £2000. With the stuff left, I'd be lucky to get £100. FML

I agree, your life sucks 244

You deserved it 1 459

Today, a guest at my restaurant asked me what a tip was. I had to awkwardly explain to him that servers don't make hourly wages, and we rely on tips from customers to make money. After I finished, he laughed at me, called me a sucker, and stiffed me on a $120 tab. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 800

You deserved it 319