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By torkx3 - 21/07/2009 20:22 - United States

Today, a resident went missing at our nursing home. When I found him, a man in a blue shirt and red pants, he started yelling at me in confusion. I just thought it was his alzheimers. When I brought him to my administrator, I was told the missing resident was wearing a red shirt and blue pants. Wrong guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 771

You deserved it 40 248

By Anonymous - 06/11/2012 18:34 - United States - Erie

Today, after being a germaphobe for almost ten years and refusing to go out to restaurants because of it, I finally had the courage to face my fear, and went to dinner with my family. After three bites into my salad, I found a dead bug in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 205

You deserved it 3 418

By Disgusted - 04/02/2011 02:14 - United States

Today, I learned that my house's fly infestation is worse than I thought. I now have maggots crawling and dropping from my ceiling. I have to sleep under them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 275

You deserved it 10 768

And I oop

By not drunk - 21/07/2020 08:01

Today, I was at a restaurant. I turned around looking for the restroom. I almost walked into the men’s room, then corrected myself and stumbled in the hallway looking for the ladies’. The employees thought I was drunk and kicked me out. I hadn’t had a single drink. I’m just clumsy as shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 519

You deserved it 269

By liquorless - 05/11/2012 14:02 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, my girlfriend's mother came over for a few hours. After she left I went to grab a drink, only to find that three bottles of expensive liquor were missing from our liquor cabinet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 204

You deserved it 1 963

E.R.

By alephnull - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I drove a friend to the emergency room because he thought he had appendicitis. While sitting in the waiting room, I got puked on by a child. My friend's diagnosis? Gas. So he also farted all the way home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 456

You deserved it 3 193

By Tuffgunsmoke - 04/02/2010 07:22 - France

Today, I was at the gym and saw an old friend. I have put on a lot of muscle in the past few months, and she said to me "Wow, you've really gotten big." Just by habit I said "You too." Turns out she's gained 45 lbs since I'd last seen her. Oops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 771

You deserved it 31 573

By mimimi - 30/12/2008 06:24 - France

Today, I went swimming. While I was walking along side of the pool, everyone was staring at me. I began to think that my diet was really working. It was only an hour later, in the changing rooms, that I noticed the string from my Tampax that was sticking out of my swimming costume. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 996

You deserved it 5 977

By Anonymous - 01/02/2015 10:21 - United States

Today, my boss explained that the company will be letting me go. She got so upset that she couldn't leave her office and I had to console her. I had to make her feel less sad for laying me off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 079

You deserved it 2 707

Thanks bossman

By Anonymous - 11/10/2013 16:43 - United States - Logan

Today, I finally decided to stand up for myself and quit my crappy job working for my abusive father. I gave him a few insults too, to which he reacted by calling the police and claiming I'd threatened to murder him. I spent three hours in jail before they finally let me go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 713

You deserved it 3 929

Emergency hotline

By Anonymous - 20/01/2023 16:00

Today, I spent one night with my phone turned off so I could finally relax. When I turned it back on I had 17 missed calls from siblings wanting to moan about their spouses, 5 calls from mom, 6 from dad, 2 from work, and 2 from my ex. I think I’ve earned some time alone, don’t you? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 070

You deserved it 138

By fleur_de_fevrier - 21/12/2008 15:36 - Ireland

Today, I finally decided to go Christmas shopping. It's only once I arrived that I realized that I had forgotten my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 155

You deserved it 24 170

Pushed it too far

By It was clean at least - 17/12/2025 20:00

Spicy

Today, as we were getting ready for sex, I told my man to fuck my face, and it was great until he shoved my face in his ass, yelling, "Eat my ass! Eat it!" I had to explain that ass eating is not something I'm comfortable with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 338

You deserved it 157

By boylookingirl - 30/01/2011 15:30 - United States

Today, my friend installed this new application that shows you what a girl would look like as a boy and what a boy would look like as a girl. Well I'm a girl and when it was my turn it didn't change. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 008

You deserved it 5 026

Office politics

By Anonymous - 04/06/2024 00:00

Today, I was turned down for a promotion because of complaints on my file. I’d never heard of them, so I demanded to see them. Every complaint was filed in the last six months and signed by either him or the other manager who doesn’t like me. Guess who got promoted instead? His “secret” side chick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 626

You deserved it 84

By Anonymous - 28/01/2015 01:24 - United States - Rochester

Today, I spent over an hour shovelling the walkway and driveway, snow blowing in my face and down my coat. When I was finally finished, a guy started going through the neighborhood plowing everyone's driveways for them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 486

You deserved it 2 991

Gamers rise up

By Anonymous - 30/10/2021 13:59 - Canada - Prince George

Today, I’m officially at the point where I can’t blame others for not wanting to play on the Playstation with me. I don’t even want to play with myself. I suck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 763

You deserved it 293

Tidy

By Jill - 23/01/2023 13:30

Today, my boyfriend taught my son to do his chores. Not real chores, but "Runescape chores" on my boyfriend's account. My son won't pick up his toys or put his shoes away, but he'll jump on the computer to grow plants or cut trees or some other stupid shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 820

You deserved it 230

Winter is coming

By Yellow an - 26/01/2015 22:19 - United States

Today, all day, in a huge blizzard, I've been stuck with a very nice, but very ugly, toothless and rather large and somewhat smelly woman, who has been continuously saying, "It feels like we're dating. Doesn't it feel like we're dating?" Ugh. No, no it doesn't. And please don't kill me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 916

You deserved it 2 968

Sadly discontinued

By Anonymous - 05/10/2013 08:17 - United States

Today, I was grocery shopping. When I got to the frozen foods, I saw some Lean Pockets, which I haven't had in forever, so I bought a couple of boxes. Around lunch time, I was hungry and thought I could have some, until I realized why I stopped buying them: I don't have a microwave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 216

You deserved it 41 019

By Heyme - 09/12/2008 13:50 - France

Today, I was working and eating. I was so tired that I bit into my pen and smeared my chocolate-filled pastry on my exercise book. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 401

You deserved it 6 736

By nothisfault - 05/12/2008 04:40 - France

Today, and as for the rest of my life, I will always have a husband whose breath stinks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 922

You deserved it 29 409

Night visitor

By Anonymous - 08/11/2021 20:00 - New Zealand

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to go pee. While in the bathroom, I felt something move inside my shirt but just ignored it, thinking it was my shirt brushing on something. Something moved again. I ripped my shirt off to reveal a massive cockroach inside my shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 425

You deserved it 152

Brain worms

By Derp - 05/02/2023 06:00 - United States

Today, I was trying to scratch off an Xbox gift card. When I started, I heard knocking. I opened the door. No one was there. I went back to scratching the card. Knocking again. No one there. This repeated until the fifth time, when I realized it was my rocking the desk with the repetitive movement of my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 216

You deserved it 894

Ohhh, wham bam thank you ma'am

By gagus123 - 28/10/2021 02:00 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, I accidentally left the handbrake off in my car, got out, locked it, and started walking away. Then I heard a loud noise and looked over my shoulder and the car was gone. Of course, it hit the only other car parked in the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 500

You deserved it 974

By Kallian - 25/10/2012 07:08 - Australia

Today, I found a ticket on my motorcycle for not parking in a designated spot. The space I had parked my bike in was occupied by a large van. Some asshole had moved my bike. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 714

You deserved it 2 459

Kallian_fml tells us more.

Kallian_fml 21

Friday 26 October 2012 9:03

I actually feel much more comfortable on my bike than in a car. When I was 15 someone crashed into the side of my mums car, right where I was sitting. The passenger seat I'd been in was completely crushed. Many of my bones were also crushed. Guess I'm just afraid of getting trapped in a car like that again.

By MB - 28/11/2011 06:30 - United States

Today, I called a friend of mine who was recently in an accident. She told me that the head trauma has caused her to lose all sense of smell and taste. To try and cheer her up, I suggested I take her out to lunch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 809

You deserved it 34 074

Not helping

By Anonymous - 18/11/2021 01:59

Today, I was talking to my professor and explained how depressed and stressed out I am. He called the police to my house because he thought that would help with my suicidal thoughts. My parents don't believe in mental health, and I want to die more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 150

You deserved it 149

Ouch!

By Anonymous - 14/06/2024 06:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I have such poor joints that I dislocated my hip trying to twist to wipe my own ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 463

You deserved it 86

Scoville

By Anonymous - 15/06/2024 09:00 - United States

Today, my boyfriend made dinner. He warned me that it was spicy, but I laughed at him and said that white guys don't know spicy. Five minutes later, I had to beg for milk, with my eyes streaming and nose pouring. Turns out I was wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 86

You deserved it 751

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Today, my teacher called a friend and me out of class and told us we had been reported for plagiarism because our answers to a problem were nearly identical, and he said that I shouldn't have shared my work. This for an assignment where significant marks were awarded for collaborating with peers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 904

You deserved it 1 450

Today, I discovered that when my husband agreed to donate sperm so an infertile friend and his wife could have children, there was nothing "artificial" about the insemination. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 579

You deserved it 6 161

Today, I went through the drive-through at Dunkin Donuts and asked for an iced coffee. After no response, I started frantically screaming about bad service. After a while, a woman came out to my car and said, "Please pull up to the speaker." I'd been yelling at a garbage bin for 5 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 480

You deserved it 124 978

Today, I woke up completely deaf, for no reason. My doctor told me my hearing loss, "could possibly be permanent." I’m a composer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 523

You deserved it 84

Today, I fucked up a relationship, by accident, and then they broke up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 371

You deserved it 735

Today, a guy at work yelled at me for being incompetent when he got frustrated because I couldn't immediately solve his problem. After we got it worked out, he apologized for overreacting and said I didn't deserve his reaction. I'm so accustomed to being treated like dirt that I started crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 445

You deserved it 96