The Top

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You OK in there?

By stinkypants - 10/11/2011 03:15 - India

Today, I went to a dinner party. I had a bad stomach, so I made a dash to the bathroom and forgot to lock the door. While I was in, I heard some voices outside. In a panic, my reflex was to get up and lock the door. I did so, while simultaneously shitting all over myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 817

You deserved it 11 886

By Anonymous - 22/09/2011 16:33 - United States

Today, my class was assigned lockers. Out of all the lockers in the entire school, mine is the only one to still have graffiti on it from last year. The tagger's choice of words? "Poop face." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 313

You deserved it 3 055

Nice try

By Anonymous - 05/10/2014 17:29 - United States - Kent

Today, this girl I've been talking to texted me, saying she was going to visit. Trying to be sweet, I bought her $50 worth of chocolate and a cute card. Turns out she meant to send that text to her ex. Seems like the only thing I'll get from this relationship is diabetes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 092

You deserved it 5 478

By Anonymous - 29/11/2009 00:32 - United States

Today, I had to make up a story about my "friends" at school so my mom doesn't keep telling I'm a loser. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 683

You deserved it 6 827

By Anonymous - 24/10/2015 23:46 - United States - Irving

Today, I went through an entire roll of toilet paper in just over an hour. You win this time, questionable pork souvlaki. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 070

You deserved it 3 776

Chillin'

By lacy - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Louisville

Today, I told my husband to give our dog a bath while I was at work. When I returned home, I found my dog, along with my husband, in the bath together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 769

You deserved it 10 670

By ksgirl - 12/09/2009 07:39 - United States

Today, the guy I have been in love with for years decided to tell me all about his women problems and how he can't find someone. After telling him I loved him he responds, "do you know if anyone else does?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 245

You deserved it 4 061

By ugh - 21/01/2014 18:55 - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I went to an important job interview. I was really anxious but tried to soldier on anyway. When I was called in, my nerves got so bad that I reverted to speaking my second language. Not first, second. I'm pretty sure I'm not getting the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 478

You deserved it 6 041

By norestforthewicked - 19/04/2011 04:30

Today, my family and I discovered that my sleepwalking has escalated into sleep-raiding-the-fridge, after I woke up on my kitchen floor in a puddle of melted ice cream, surrounded by my parents, brother, and dogs. Apparently my recent dieting plans aren't going over too well with my subconscious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 128

You deserved it 4 343

By Courtney - 04/02/2012 20:22 - Reserved

Today, I tried to inconspicuously hock a loogie. It went down my bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 465

You deserved it 34 718

The talk

By airplanes-suck - 21/08/2009 00:20 - United States

Today, I went on a plane and was sitting next to a mom with her 12-year-oldish daughter. Apparently, they decided to have "The talk." On the plane, right next to me. I heard everything, and actually learned new things. I'm 35. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 347

You deserved it 6 691

By Anonymous - 06/01/2012 22:13 - Denmark

Today, I saw a naked man for the first time in my life. It was the nude model in my art class. I was forced to draw wrinkles and fat rolls in places I didn't even know existed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 670

You deserved it 5 290

By IceMage - 18/01/2010 00:57 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to sneak into the shower at her house while her parents went out to eat and a movie. Half way through our shower we heard a knocking at the door, it was her mom. We had left all of our clothes downstairs. Safe to say I won't be allowed there any more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 660

You deserved it 39 470

By crier - 27/08/2013 18:34 - United States - Norfolk

Today, I realized the moans I make when masturbating sound like I'm crying. I realized this when my neighbor pounded on the door asking if I was okay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 649

You deserved it 12 480

By usmcpain - 23/06/2009 05:16 - United States

Today, I couldn't sleep and in the process of tossing and turning I did something very painful to my back. I spent 4 years in the marine corps infantry, but laying in a bed kicks my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 959

You deserved it 5 072

By imawesomeokay - 20/07/2013 05:53 - Mexico - Zapopan

Today, I went to watch a movie. In the middle of it, I accidentally fell asleep. Minutes later, I awoke on a stranger's shoulder. He was caressing my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 274

You deserved it 10 974

Forwarded

By Anonymous - 18/11/2010 16:27 - United States

Today, my boyfriend emailed me this morning to let me know that he had forwarded the joke that I had sent to him to all of his workmates and friends. He was quickly given the heads-up by one of his friends that all of our intimate emails from the day were also included. I'm dating a dumbass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 302

You deserved it 7 772

By liilii - 30/08/2014 16:40 - India - Trivandrum

Today, I woke up to the sight of a dead fly on my bedside table, being eaten by a swarm of ants. I screamed so bad that my dad said he thought my sister was being murdered in my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 715

You deserved it 6 716

By emi - 01/07/2012 04:30

Today, not only does my cat rabidly attack my face if I don't let him sleep on my pillow, but he snores too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 983

You deserved it 5 321

I'm not getting paid enough for this shit

By Username - 20/10/2010 18:08 - France

Today, at work, my boss made me spend a hour trying to catch a baby raccoon in the parking lot. I'm a bank teller. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 674

You deserved it 3 500

By kitty - 18/10/2010 02:54 - United States

Today, while talking about my plans for college, I was interrupted so my family could discuss my brother's zit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 492

You deserved it 3 162

By - Moved Across the Country - 06/08/2011 06:05 - United States

Today, I found out my ex is applying for a job at my current company. She may become my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 641

You deserved it 3 825

Sussy baka

By black hoodie - 19/05/2013 23:07 - United States - Shrewsbury

Today, I went for a walk. When it started pouring, I ran under the nearest tree for protection. It didn't occur to me that it might look suspicious hiding under a stranger's tree in a black hoodie, until the cops showed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 188

You deserved it 5 982

By Anonymous - 31/05/2014 20:04 - United States - Brandon

Today, I spent several hours downtown with my violent grandma, after she was arrested for threatening a guy with a gun. His crime? "Trespassing" by ringing the doorbell and asking if she was interested in donating to charity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 914

You deserved it 3 893

Baseless accusation

By 00sasori - 27/03/2013 05:41 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I was on a bumpy bus ride and had to write a note, so I held my notebook against the bus window to steady my hand. An elderly woman then yelled at me, accusing me of drawing graffiti on the window. The bus driver kicked me off and I had to wait an hour in the rain for the next bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 278

You deserved it 3 014

Still warm

By kimmybr - 22/09/2009 09:36 - United States

Today, I cleaned my bathroom from top to bottom. Tonight, my husband threw up all over the bathroom. He actually cleaned it up himself, including the toilet. I went to use the toilet, put down the seat and sat down. Guess which part of the toilet he DIDN'T clean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 744

You deserved it 5 603

By Username - 25/05/2010 12:32 - France

Today, my friend bet everyone at my lunch table that no one could catch the fly that was flying around our table. I reached up and caught it. It was a wasp, and it stung me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 115

You deserved it 36 224

Cravings

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Bay Shore

Today, on the eighth day of my diet, I met up with my study group. Everyone was snacking on junk food while I stuck to carrots. Someone put a Snickers bar on the table. "God, I want you," I thought. Turns out I was thinking out loud. The guy next to me inched his chair away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 380

You deserved it 8 275

By fuck right off - 04/04/2015 17:32 - United Kingdom - Coalville

Today, as I was walking to work, a cyclist shot out of nowhere and slammed into me. I hit the ground hard and lay there in agony. The guy quickly dusted himself off, said "Sorry man. It's a vicious cycle." then chuckled at his own stupid pun and cycled away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 570

You deserved it 3 035

By chill - 17/12/2009 22:08 - United States

Today, my grandpa sent me a letter apologizing for not congratulating me about my graduation last spring. Too bad I don't graduate until May. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 646

You deserved it 4 293

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The Top

Today, my neighbor called the cops on me, all because he heard me speaking Arabic. I was on the phone with my grandmother in Egypt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 880

You deserved it 1 700

Today, the officers of my archery club forgot to check if anybody was behind the targets looking for arrows. I got hit in the leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 681

You deserved it 2 015

Today, one of my classmates asked the teacher to postpone her presentation because she had to study and the teacher happily agreed. When I approached her, the teacher started yelling at me because postponing deadlines is irresponsible. I just wanted to make sure we didn't need to bring our book. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 011

You deserved it 2 298

Today, I had to clean human excrement at work when the fitting room turned into the shitting room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 807

You deserved it 2 820

Today, I saw the girl I had started dating changed her Facebook relationship status to "In a relationship". Naturally, I changed mine too. The next time I logged on, she had commented, "Really?! Who?!" She was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 822

You deserved it 5 964

Today, I was told I'm lazy by my boyfriend because I skipped work. He skips his all the time and when I get home still have to cook and clean up after him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 953

You deserved it 311