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By KateD - 06/03/2010 05:16 - United States

Today, I was walking through the mall with my husband. We came across a guy who was selling some weight loss pills. He tried to sell me some and I kindly declined. He told me not to deny my weight problems. Thanks. I'm 7 months pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 820

You deserved it 2 816

By tooearly - 01/01/2012 08:31 - United States

Today, I told my mom I was going to a New Year's party. She told me to be back by midnight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 032

You deserved it 3 379

By bit - 30/07/2009 10:01 - United States

Today, me and my girls went to get revenge on a girl who slept with my boyfriend by egging her house. Her house was too far away so we decided to get her truck. We wasted a carton of eggs on her driveway because we all have terrible aim and look incredibly stupid for missing so bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 488

You deserved it 64 489

Big dong

By Anonymous - 03/12/2015 14:02

Today, I accidentally walked in on my dad as he was getting changed. Now I know genetics can be a real bitch. With such a massive difference in size, I have to question whether I'm even biologically related to this old three-legged git. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 104

You deserved it 3 646

By Anonymous - 30/06/2013 10:58 - United States - Ellicott City

Today, my crush kissed me for the first time. However, my hair was falling into my face and getting in the way. No problem, I wear a wig so without thinking, I simply removed it. I don't think he'll kiss me again anytime soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 687

You deserved it 20 184

Let down

By heartbreakkid21 - 14/05/2009 15:22 - United States

Today, I was on a date with this girl I actually like. The date was going really well and it seemed like it would be a good night. While in the movie theater, I went to hold her hand and instead she gave me a hand shake and said, "You're so funny, I'm so glad we're friends". FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 220

You deserved it 5 629

By Good Luck Chuck - 29/04/2013 17:07 - United States - Orlando

Today, my former fiancée, who I stopped seeing 5 months ago, married another guy. She wore the dress that I'd purchased for our would-be wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 327

You deserved it 5 718

Bad idea

By Stacy - 05/07/2011 04:04 - United States

Today, while using the restroom at work, I dropped my keys into the toilet. I left to find something to get them out and figured nobody would use a toilet with keys in it. I came back to a bowl of dung and "Shit happens" written on the wall in lipstick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 971

You deserved it 8 464

Wankers

By trainE - 30/03/2009 02:08 - United States

Today, I was masturbating in my room when my dog started to bark obnoxiously. He does this all the time so I ignored it and kept going. This went on for about a half hour. When I went downstairs, I found an open door and an empty TV stand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 373

You deserved it 94 695

Pissed

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my best friend thought it would look cool if I recorded her swinging while lying under the swing. She ended up kicking me in the face and laughing so hard, she pissed on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 153

You deserved it 20 712

Kinda sus

By embarrassed - 03/07/2010 07:14 - Australia

Today, I went out with my boyfriend and thought I'd wear two bras under my singlet-top to make my chest look bigger. Upon leaving Target, one of the security guards noticed the extra straps and accused me of shoplifting. I had to spend the next 20 minutes explaining the situation to security. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 364

You deserved it 47 153

Rubbing it in, Sharon

By single and not mingling - 04/06/2010 17:36 - Canada

Today, my coworker told me she knew about my secret boyfriend because she has a "sixth sense" about these things. I'm too embarrassed to tell her I'm desperately single and the last date I went on was three years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 492

You deserved it 4 057

By Shooting myself - 10/02/2014 18:57 - United States - Hillsboro

Today, trying to do something nice for my brother, I filled up his truck's gas tank. I didn't realize until too late that it's a diesel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 309

You deserved it 22 207

By Anonymous - 19/08/2009 22:31 - Canada

Today, a completely drunk girl walked across the bar and punched me in the face because I was wearing the same dress as her, and her boyfriend had said it looked better on me. While I was screaming at her for being a stupid bitch, she puked all over me, wiped her mouth, and laughed before she passed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 168

You deserved it 4 718

Welcome to adulthood

By Jane - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Canada - Niagara Falls

Today, I confronted my 18-year-old daughter about her excessively lengthy showers. She said she didn't see the big deal, considering the water "comes free with the house." No dear, it doesn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 319

You deserved it 6 284

Rules are rules

By aw-wtf - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, at work, a man bought a lot of really expensive stuff. He paid the large bill with cash, and the manager helped me count the money. When we were done, he handed me a $100 bill to thank me for all the help. We can't accept tips. The manager was next to me. I had to say no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 397

You deserved it 3 900

WHO ARE YOU?

By Targeted - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Kirkland

Today, just like every morning this month, I woke up, put on my clothes, looked out my window, and was pointed at by a man in a ninja outfit on my neighbor's roof. The police still can't find him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 222

You deserved it 2 903

By HappyMan - 03/08/2012 02:14 - United States - Corpus Christi

Today, my mom thought I was flying high on weed and nearly grounded me for it. I wasn't high, I was just actually in a good mood for the first time in a few weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 163

You deserved it 2 327

By Carrie G. - 27/07/2012 00:46 - United States - Holland

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why period blood couldn't be saved and donated to the hospital for transplants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 761

You deserved it 2 456

By arse-face - 28/06/2013 23:22 - Ireland - Caher

Today, a group of friends and I went out to a fancy club together. The doorman checked us out and let everyone in. Everyone except me, that is. The doorman's reason: "Her face looks like a baboon's arse." My "friends" all went in anyway, leaving me to walk all the way home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 023

You deserved it 4 873

By Anonymous - 21/06/2013 20:27 - United States

Today, my mom cut off the legs of all my pants, because she says I don't show enough skin for guys. I'm now forced to wear jaggedly cut shorts that barely cover my thighs until I can buy new ones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 184

You deserved it 5 292

By Misky - 02/07/2012 02:51

Today, I was walking past a homeless guy while smoking; he asked if he could have a cigarette. So I gave him one and said without thinking, "Sorry, it’s a menthol, but beggars can't be choosers." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 603

You deserved it 28 492

By Stu - 19/06/2012 09:59 - United States

Today, my girlfriend got a Twitter account. Now she won't stop hashtagging everything she sends me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 703

You deserved it 2 769

Gagging for it

By Anonymous - 26/06/2011 21:42 - United States

Today, I went on a third date with a guy, hoping I'd finally get some action. I got a high five. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 115

You deserved it 10 638

By lovebigmacs - 06/10/2009 23:32 - United States

Today, I showed my boyfriend the new tattoo of a butterfly that I'd gotten on my lower back. He said, "It looks like it's flying when your rolls jiggle." FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 154

You deserved it 42 007

By ravlol - 25/11/2011 18:08 - United States

Today, my friends and I were going to do an ugly sweater photo shoot. When we met up, one of them was wearing a sweater I gave on her birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 454

You deserved it 10 586

By notnerb - 19/05/2009 10:13 - New Zealand

Today, I met up with a guy from a local dating site for coffee. He walked up, looked me over and said "Ummm, no", then walked off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 929

You deserved it 8 601

Cancelled

By Anonymous - 27/11/2009 03:23 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were watching a movie where a girl proposed to a guy. He said, "I would hate it if that happened to me, obviously I don't want to get married if I haven't proposed myself." I was planning on proposing later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 397

You deserved it 8 829

Remember One Direction stans?

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was lost in a foreign city so I asked a girl for directions. She replied, "Directions? ONE DIRECTION!" and started screaming in my face and jumping around. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 432

You deserved it 5 815

By jesifairy - 13/04/2012 04:46 - Australia

Today, I told my girlfriend that I would still care for her if she was a vegetable. She informed me that if I was a potato, she would cut me into chips. And fry me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 573

You deserved it 7 196

jesifairy tells us more.

jesifairy 2

Friday 13 April 2012 12:39

:-D

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The Top

Today, I started my new job as a repossession agent. While attempting to repo a boat, we came across a young couple. The woman was very annoying, and even hit another agent, so I threatened to throw her in the water if she touched him again. I ended up in the water instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 483

You deserved it 14 567

Today, my brother thought it would be hilarious to take a pair of scissors to all my bras. My mom can't take me shopping for another three days and I have no one to borrow a bra from. I have school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 278

You deserved it 4 393

Today, I went to the restroom at school and when I finished my business, I noticed there was no toilet paper. I then began to wait, hoping that a janitor would come by with extra toilet paper. It wasn't until an hour later that I then realized there was four extra rolls hidden behind the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 935

You deserved it 53 997

Today, I was on top of my boyfriend having sex and I was looking away doing my thing. When I looked back, my boyfriend had headphones on and was playing air drums. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 790

You deserved it 17 817

Today, I knew it was going to be a fun day when I woke up to find that my kids' new puppy had died in the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 919

You deserved it 137

Today, my boss watched me get my waistband hooked on a safety hazard in the warehouse. She included it in the safety report. FML

I agree, your life sucks 279

You deserved it 91