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By JukeboxValkyrie - 16/02/2012 07:52 - United States

Today, I discovered how startling it is to wake up by having your cat springboard off your face. The intended prey? Two fornicating geckos on the ceiling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 540

You deserved it 2 658

JukeboxValkyrie tells us more.

JukeboxValkyrie 19

Friday 17 February 2012 4:46

To everyone who keeps asking "How did they get on your ceiling?" and "Why are they in your house?" Geckos are native to Florida, they can crawl through the tiniest places and the tips of the digits on their limbs are like mini suction cups, giving them the ability to climb most vertical surfaces as well as being upside down. My ceiling is also popcorn style so there was plenty to hold onto. And yes, I'm almost certain one had a foreign accent...though I'm not sure which.

Here boy!

By DrakeB - 20/01/2013 16:34 - United States - Seattle

Today, I found a lost dog and called the owner. When he arrived, I thought it would be cute to put the dog down so he would run back into his owner's arms, like in movies. As soon as I put the dog down, it ran away again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 847

You deserved it 44 054

By lulu - 11/02/2012 10:19 - United States

Today, my dog attacked me because I had a chicken costume on for a party. I'm currently in a hospital, dressed as a chicken, waiting for medical assistance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 323

You deserved it 4 724

By Highnapple - 04/03/2015 07:55 - Canada - Sarnia

Today, my boyfriend was pleasuring me with his hands. After two years of being together, he was finally about to make me orgasm for the first time by himself. Just as I was reaching my peak, he orgasmed at the thought of finishing me off and stopped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 227

You deserved it 4 543

By rainydays79 - 23/01/2010 19:12 - United States

Today, I realized that I am the only one among my group of friends who names their bowel movements. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 438

You deserved it 60 098

By snownerd - 03/11/2011 16:13 - United States

Today, while I was shopping, I saw my old friend from high school. After a bit of talking, I ended up giving her my phone number. I wrote it on an old receipt. Little did I remember, the receipt was from when I bought lube and condoms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 780

You deserved it 39 755

Creeped out

By DaddysGirl - 16/10/2011 10:36 - Canada

Today, I took the train to visit my parents, which arrives late at night. As I was getting off, the cute guy in front of me looked out the window, then turned to me and said, "Doesn't that guy out there give you the creeps?" That guy was my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 414

You deserved it 2 618

By Anonymous - 27/11/2010 06:27 - United States

Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating right after I maxed out my credit card buying him everything on his Christmas list. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 972

You deserved it 16 313

By Ottawa - 12/05/2009 14:11 - Canada

Today, I was in line for Star Trek and chatting with another couple about a guy who came to the movie wearing a Starfleet uniform. We were having a good snicker about this "Geek" until my cell phone rang. My ringtone is the sound made by the Star Trek communicator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 424

You deserved it 84 551

By Anonymous - 10/06/2011 21:22 - United States

Today, my cousin taught me how to make dinner. My cousin is in first grade and I'm in college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 504

You deserved it 41 208

By Anonymous - 23/03/2009 18:52 - United States

Today, I gave a campus tour to a group of high school seniors. As I was showing off the dorms, one student asked, "Are these beds sturdy enough for threesomes?" Before I could respond, another kid shouted, "How would he know, I bet the only action he gets in bed is from his left hand." She's correct. FML

I agree, your life sucks 109 101

You deserved it 11 822

By Anonymous - 10/05/2015 13:47 - United States

Today, I was feeling pretty, so I wore a skirt for the first time in years. Two hours later, my thighs hurt from slapping together so much. I no longer feel pretty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 682

You deserved it 5 279

By rashree - 13/02/2010 01:34 - United States

Today, my long-distance boyfriend told me that he was going to pee on me to "mark his territory." When I told him that it was disgusting, he said, "last time, I just peed on you in the shower." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 784

You deserved it 3 602

By Anonymous - 12/02/2011 16:52 - United States

Today, I made the discovery that I'm in a true love triangle; both of my girlfriends are dating one another. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 704

You deserved it 69 554

By L - 16/10/2012 22:59 - Norway - Trondheim

Today, I woke up after having a dream which included sex with a very hot guy. I realized it's about time I get laid, because the hot guy was Brock from Pokémon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 652

You deserved it 6 916

By NoConfusion - 14/09/2014 12:53 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend told me that the necklace I gave her wasn't a "unique enough gift." I spent two weeks making that necklace, link by link. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 785

You deserved it 3 355

By ehwat - 26/11/2009 05:31 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that since I lost my job I can't afford a Christmas present for him, or anyone. He said trying anal would be fine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 920

You deserved it 12 818

By madseason - 07/05/2012 00:13 - United States

Today, I confronted my girlfriend about cheating on me. Her response was that it's not cheating since she is getting paid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 966

You deserved it 4 756

By Arthur - 07/05/2014 19:16 - United States

Today, my neighbor scolded me for "allowing" her son to be bitten by one of my dogs. This would be reasonable, except for the fact that her kid had jumped my fence and tried to steal a rattle out of my daughter's hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 368

You deserved it 3 249

By Anonymous - 17/01/2014 23:52 - United Kingdom

Today, I overheard my mum tell my sister that she should make me a bridesmaid at her wedding. My sister scoffed, "She looks like Shamu, mum. I can't have THAT in my wedding pics." followed by laughter and my mum saying, "Touché." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 065

You deserved it 6 801

By Anonymous - 17/01/2012 06:43 - United States

Today, my boyfriend shared with me his anxiety about death, so I shared with him one of my ridiculously irrational fears. He thought I was making fun of him and now won't talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 964

You deserved it 5 629

By Sad.To.Be.Me. - 13/01/2012 23:56 - United States

Today, I was watching TV with my boyfriend, when a World of Warcraft commercial came on. He turned to me and said, "Yeah, I'd choose the Horde over you any day." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 575

You deserved it 4 473

By martinaaah - 24/09/2012 19:35 - United States - Bellingham

Today, I was taking a pizza order at work, and had to ask the customer's name. I couldn't quite hear what he said, so rather than asking him to repeat himself, I asked how it was spelled. He gave me a funny look and said, "Um, A.J.?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 184

You deserved it 6 149

martinaaah tells us more.

martinaaah 7

Tuesday 25 September 2012 9:05

Nope, sorry. This is the OP, this happened at The C Shop in Birch Bay, Washington

By Anonymous - 24/06/2009 09:59 - United States

Today, I was informed from a fellow employee at a bar that he finally "hit" the boss's wife. I work for my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 343

You deserved it 3 001

By Labelme - 02/01/2010 08:26 - United States

Today, I learned that instead of discarding expired products at my work, we change the label to make them 'expire' later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 216

You deserved it 2 998

By screwed - 19/11/2009 03:31 - United States

Today, my dad came home from Vegas. Today, my college savings account is down by $64,000. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 201

You deserved it 3 198

By liquid_sasquatch - 29/05/2012 22:40 - United States

Today, my 14-year-old brother told me he needed help with something "very personal." Thinking he wanted girlfriend advice or something, I said, "Sure, no problem". He wanted me to shave his butt crack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 375

You deserved it 2 721

liquid_sasquatch tells us more.

liquid_sasquatch 10

Thursday 31 May 2012 15:11

Half the comments so far really cracked me up! xD Of course I'll never answer the question most asked =]

By Anonymous - 26/05/2012 00:15 - United States

Today, my eight-year-old son thought that if he swallowed soap, his farts would smell like soap. The smell of vomit and diarrhea now permeating my house is proof of how wrong he was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 284

You deserved it 2 742

By sore - 21/10/2009 08:27 - Australia

Today, I was paintballing when I got shot in the stomach and winded. As I was gasping for breath on the ground, someone came up and shot me point blank in my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 300

You deserved it 6 689

Overjoyed

By madiison09 - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I got a letter from Yale Law School saying I got a 4 year full scholarship. I called my dad crying and read the whole thing… even the bottom of the letter, which said, "April fools' ! Love, Mom and Dad." FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 807

You deserved it 6 625

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The Top

Today, my boss gave me some mentorship. She told me, "You need to learn to let people do things for you. Until then, I'm going to micromanage your project because I want it done my way." FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 542

You deserved it 1 415

Today, my mom had a talk with me while my dad was out. She said to stop using her lotion for my masturbation sessions. I asked her how long did she know. She replied with, "Ever since we put up that camera in the living room for burglars, where you happen to watch your porn." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 331

You deserved it 51 617

Today, I realized the only real accomplishment I've had in my life that I take any pride in is that I've had an FML published. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 394

You deserved it 442

Today, I got a new name, which is “We” apparently. My supervisor keeps admonishing me about details, saying, “WE don’t do that” and, “WE make sure to do this”, while she herself simply does anything she pleases, including the opposite of what she tells me “we do”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 021

You deserved it 131

Today, I asked my wife if I could go out for guys night. She said yes, and that it sounded so fun she decided to come too. Guys night was ruined. We couldn’t do anything without feeling her silently judging us. Guys night lasted two hours before they all left sober and pissed as hell at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 765

You deserved it 2 629

Today, I blacked out at work, on my lunch break outside in the rain, and woke up on the ground wet a minute or two later to everyone freaking out, all because I chugged my drink too fast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 427

You deserved it 631