Kids

AC/DC

Anonymous - 14/04/2022 16:00

Today, my son still sticks his fingers in plug sockets, cuts charging cables for devices, licks batteries and so on, because he enjoys the electric shocks, he thinks they are funny so I can’t even trust him when he sleeps at night, in case he wakes up while we’re asleep and does something stupid. FML

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Sociopath time

i…… - 14/04/2022 14:00

Today, my son’s mother is dying. He told me he feels “nothing at all” because of it. The reason? “Sometimes she punished me.” FML

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Cocobananas

Phil - 14/04/2022 10:00

Today, my father was cussing loudly because he lost at a Clash Royale game. He then blamed it on me for not sending him cards, and threatened to delete me from all his social media accounts. Dad, I love you, but you're downright insane. FML

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You're not in the army now, oh oh ohoh

Anonymous - 13/04/2022 18:00

Today, my son was booted out of the army after one week for laziness, giving attitude to his training sergeant, sheer bloody stupidity, and asking the man who ran the on base shop if he could score weed anywhere on base. Even the army can’t sort out this asshole I gave birth to. FML

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Where do these guys come from?

Anonymous - 13/04/2022 04:00

Today, my boyfriend moved out because our son was diagnosed autistic and he is completely uninterested in raising a child who will never be "normal" and who will "never make him proud." He also said if I want child support I’ll have to take him to court because no way is he paying willingly. FML

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What else don't I know?

Shocked - 13/04/2022 00:00

Today, my fiancé “thought he should let me know” that he has a 3 year-old son. We’ve been together for 7 years and our wedding is this weekend. He says it’s no big deal, because, “It was just a one-night stand and she has a new man now.” He doesn’t get why I’m angry and calling off our wedding. FML

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STRANGER DANGER!

Anonymous - 12/04/2022 10:00

Today, my girlfriend and I attempted to help a little girl who was alone and looked lost. All I managed to say was, "Hi my name is…" when she screamed and set off an actual rape alarm in her pocket. I was tackled by about 3 people, while my girlfriend did nothing to help me except laugh and start filming it. FML

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I can't deal with confrontation

Anonymous - 11/04/2022 06:00

Today, my son is so pathetic that when a tiny, unarmed 5-foot tall female thief robbed our store, he didn’t grab the baseball bat, he didn’t slam the anti-theft door on the counter closed, he didn’t even press the big alarm button, he just started crying, put his hands up, and let her empty the till. FML

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Sounds like he's got it all figured out

Anonymous - 10/04/2022 16:00

Today, my son apparently has no interest in having a life. He goes from his tiny one-bed flat to work, then back home again to play with his computer. It’s a good job, so he can afford a life, but he has no friends, never dates or goes anywhere, he even gets his shopping delivered. What can I do? FML

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Adopt a different attitude

Anonymous - 09/04/2022 22:00

Today, I have always been adamant on not wanting children ever, then I did a stupid thing, and now I’m now single and pregnant with twins at 22 years-old. My life is so fucking over. FML

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Wars of the Stars

Sarge9774 -

Today, I found out that my uncle does not like my step-daughter because she likes Star Wars. He stated that Star Trek was better, and went on to verbally attack a 6-year-old. FML

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He gets around

Anonymous - 09/04/2022 00:00

Today, I did an actual double take when my son complained about having to block the phone number of his most recent one-night stand when she got pregnant, but luckily he gave her a fake name, so he doesn’t have to delete his Facebook. How many grandkids do I have out there you little prick? FML

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How can I put it…?

Anonymous - - United States

Today, my mom asked me what a MILF is. Apparently that's her nickname at work. FML

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Sophie's choice

MyBaby - 08/04/2022 00:00 - United States - Kula

Today, I'm so excited and can't wait to join work after my maternity break, but the thought of being away from my baby is just killing me. FML

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Disturbing the peace

Anonymous - 07/04/2022 22:00

Today, I tried to tell a kid he couldn't skate without a helmet. He called me a Karen and pushed me into a fountain, so I called the cops. The cops arrived and questioned the kid, who said I deserved it for being a Karen. They accepted that, and told me to stop harassing kids. FML

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No way, uh-uh, no, not doing it

Anonymous - 06/04/2022 06:00

Today, I asked my son to show his grandma how to do some basic stuff on the computer. He said no way, he knows how long it takes old people to grasp computers. I jokingly threatened to ground him for 6 months unless he did it. He took the 6 months without hesitating. FML

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That's all I am to you?

Butterfly - - France

Today, I warned my boss that I wouldn't be able take part in a very important meeting I've been working on for 6 months due to my son being ill. He told me, "Don't worry about it, we'll just put a flowerpot on your chair instead." FML

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O'Reilly

still can’t get any - 04/04/2022 06:00

Today, I’m convinced my son has some sort of radar. Literally every time my partner and I try to have sex, he wakes up and interrupts us. At first I thought it was a coincidence, but the fact that it’s happened at 12am, 12pm, 6am and 3pm tells me otherwise. FML

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Son, we have something to tell you…

anonymous - - Canada

Today, my parents told me I was adopted. I can understand parents waiting for a child to be old enough to understand, but I'm 33 years old. FML

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Thanks for reminding me

Anonymous - 02/04/2022 18:00

Today, my son's school called and made a comment about only calling me because my wife didn’t answer her phone. My wife is dead. It’s in his record that his mom is dead, and yet they still tried to call her before me, because I suppose dads aren’t real parents like moms are. FML

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Deadbeat

Anonymous - 02/04/2022 10:00

Today, after my dad ran off 15 years ago, during which time my mom died, and I had to become my brother's legal guardian and somehow get both me and then him through university while working 4 jobs, my dad turned up on our street. He tried to flirt with me, because he didn’t recognise me. Scumbag. FML

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And yet they say romance is dead…

Anonymous - 02/04/2022 06:00

Today, my daughter and her boyfriend deliberately got pregnant, because they found out if she claimed to be a single mom, she could get a council house and free benefits, and then just move him in with her. They're both 15. FML

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RIP in peace

Connie - 01/04/2022 10:00

Today, my daughter decided it was a good day to put a bath bomb in the aquarium so the fish could have a relaxing bath with cool pink water. She didn’t know the fish would end up being killed. She’s 16. FML

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Weird request, but OK

sigh - - United States - Medford

Today, my daughter told me that when she dies, she'd like her ashes spread on her laptop. FML

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Opening gambit

Anonymous - 30/03/2022 14:00

Today, I, a 40 year-old who has been playing chess for over 25 years, was beaten by my own 12 year-old son. To make it worse, I actually fell for the Fool’s Mate, which to those who don’t know is the shortest possible checkmate in chess that only involves two moves. Yes, TWO MOVES. FML

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Watching your prime go by

Anonymous - 29/03/2022 18:01 - United States - Verona

Today, I've reached the age as a sexless loser where my family no longer tells me to find a "single lady" but rather a "single mother". Thanks for reminding me everyone else had fun in their twenties. FML

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What did I do to you?

Anonymous - 29/03/2022 18:00

Today, I was kicked out of my ex-girlfriend's apartment, with whom I’ve been staying with, because I’m a 'bad influence to her two sons' since I’m an 'alcoholic who passed out and pissed the couch.” I’ve been sober since the beginning of January, and have been in AA since. I'm also prone to seizures. She does Meth. FML

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All over cheese?

Anonymous - 29/03/2022 01:00 - Bulgaria - Sofia

Today, my family had an argument with me because I bought the wrong kind of cheese. They never said what kind they wanted. The argument ended with my mother saying that she wished she could kill herself, because of how horrible of a person I am. FML

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Don't mention it

Anonymous - 28/03/2022 06:00 - United States - Verona

Today, my mother went on another long rant, detailing 20 years of bad things that we all already knew about a relative. The slightest recollection in a conversation never fails to turn into unending monologues. I can't change the past, nor the subject of conversation apparently. FML

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Don't Fight Club

kizz mi azz - 28/03/2022 04:00

Today, I stood up to the school bully in a fight. Rather than thank me, the whole school, including some of his victims, now treat me like a psycho. Apparently they tolerated him because of his terrible foster parents, so me hitting him was actually way out of line, and insensitive. How did I become the bad guy here? FML

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Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Kids Parenting Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Intimacy Suspicious Sex Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Today, I learned that an inspired gardening spree is not as fulfilling as some would have us believe. One punctured hand, cactussed foot and bruised ankle later, I'm beginning to regret waking up this morning and thinking, "What the hell, I'll nuke the shit out of some weeds." FML

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Today, I picked up my online grocery order. The clerk asked about the party, because he assumed I was having one because of all the ice cream I'd ordered. I'm bulimic and everything was for me. FML

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Today, after getting a root canal, I told my mother how boring it was just sitting there with my mouth open for ages while the dentist did his work. She then told me how she had to do the same kind of thing on her anniversary night with my father. FML

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Today, I was sitting in a train when the old lady sitting next to me started staring at me. I asked her if she was OK, and she exclaimed, "Willy! It's you! Where have you been all this time?" The entire train trip went like this. FML

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Today, I told my daughter that she should put some love into her cooking. She started kissing the ingredients. FML

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Today, my boss called me to say that I've been slow at work this week and that I will be replaced if I don't pick up the pace. That would be understandable, if I didn't have a broken ankle and pneumonia. FML

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