Kids

Make it stop!

Anonymous - 04/06/2022 19:00 - United States - Steele

Today, I've finally accepted that my parents do not love me. They constantly do things that I hate, then casually remark to other people, "I think he's mad at me now." They also know my hearing is insanely hypersensitive, yet they're still obnoxiously loud for no apparent reason all the time. FML

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Leave me alone

Anonymous - 04/06/2022 12:00

Today, my parents yet again spent over ten minutes discussing and joking about something minor about me, in this case my preference for Pepper Jack cheese over American. They've done this my whole life, and refuse to understand why I suffer from such crippling self-consciousness. FML

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Read the room

Anonymous - 04/06/2022 01:00 - United Kingdom - Sunderland

Today, I took my two kids to a restaurant with a graffiti-themed wall and took some lovely pictures that I promptly posted to family on social media. I didn't notice until a couple of hours later it said "ANAL?" in huge writing behind my dear child's head. FML

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Late bloomer

marbles - 02/06/2022 12:00

Today, my daughter continues to have acne breakouts. She’s no longer a teenager, which means she isn’t washing her face. I can’t believe I raised someone who ignores her hygiene to this point. FML

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Modern bonding

Anonymous - 01/06/2022 22:00

Today, my wife is mad at me because she claims I don’t spend any time bonding with her son. It’s as though she refuses to understand that just because we are in different rooms, on separate PlayStations, doesn’t mean we’re not playing the same game, and talking through headphones for hours at a time. FML

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Picky

Anonymous - 01/06/2022 10:00 - United States

Today, my son broke up with his girlfriend. When I asked why, he said, "Because I found out she's adopted. Ugh. I just can't with that, y'know?" Never before have I ever felt the desire to disown one of my kids. It's not a pleasant feeling. FML

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Quite rightly so

Anonymous - 31/05/2022 22:00 - United States

Today, I was told my eldest grandson doesn't want me at his birthday party, nor does he want my gift. It would seem he and his younger brother still haven't forgiven me for my prank on Easter, when I tricked them into thinking I was taking them to the 'Big Neighborhood Egg Hunt', when really we were going to church. FML

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That's not how anything works

GodHelpMe - 01/06/2022 00:01

Today, my son got fired from work. He took it upon himself to openly insult his boss, and make racial derogatory jokes against a Hispanic coworker of his. He labeled it “freedom of speech” and is gonna “sue for wrongful termination” for “attempt to censor him for having a different opinion.” He’s 28. FML

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Give me strength

Anonymous - 31/05/2022 10:00

Today, my son got back from his solo holiday in Hawaii. I asked him what he did. Apparently, he sat in his suite for 2 weeks, watching shit on his laptop. He spent thousands of pounds, flew thousands of miles to one of the nicest islands in the world, all to stay in his room. He could have done that here. FML

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Classic joke time

Anonymous - 31/05/2022 02:00

Today, I called my husband asking what kind of flute I'm supposed to pick up for our daughter, as she wants to play an instrument at school. Over the phone, my husband told me, “It’s a skin flute.” The man behind the music store counter wasn't sure how to respond when I told him what I needed. FML

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Demon child

Anonymous - 30/05/2022 22:01

Today, people say grandchildren are a blessing, well not ours. Our grandson is only 6 but he’s the nastiest human I’ve ever encountered, and I legitimately think it would have been better if our daughter never had him. Unpopular opinion maybe, but spend one afternoon with him, I dare you. FML

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Bonding moment

Anonymous - 30/05/2022 07:59 - United States

Today, I wanted my son to take a break from his comic books and be more active, so I converted our big backyard into a home-sized football field, hoping this would motivate him to finally get into sports. While I had him running drills, I heard him grumble, "This is why mom left you." FML

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Not missing out on much

Anonymous - 30/05/2022 02:01

Today, my mom is obsessed with my academic success, as she was a highschool dropout, and actually gives me more homework than my school does, all so I’ll be more advanced than my peers. I barely know what a television is anymore, since it’s been so long I’ve had enough free time to watch one. FML

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Fight Club

CurseYouSonyaLee - - United States - Midlothian

Today, I got into a fight with my brother that somehow ended with him breaking my toe with a Fisher-Price airplane. FML

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Such a disappointment

Anonymous - 29/05/2022 18:00

Today, my son joined the ranks of an organisation filled with nothing but scum, villains, thieves, and highwaymen. He's now a tax inspector. FML

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Demon spawn

Anonymous - 29/05/2022 06:00

Today, my son's head teacher yelled down the phone at me, “I’m sorry but this is the last straw, Take him home now or I’m calling the police to remove him.” He’s 9 and this will be his sixth expulsion in 4 years, and we have no idea what caused this behaviour. He behaved just fine up to 4 years ago. FML

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She's 28

beelover97 - 28/05/2022 18:00

Today, I got a phone call from my daughter’s school. Apparently she stood on top of a table and screamed, “I HAVE SYPHILIS” at the top of her lungs. She’s in kindergarten. Where in the world did she even hear that? FML

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Kids will be kids

littlebigbrother - - Japan

Today, we got a call that my brother stuck a rock up his nose and couldn't get it out. My mom had to pick him up and take him to the hospital. My brother is 20. FML

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SAT down

Anonymous - 28/05/2022 00:00

Today, my daughter was unable to take the SAT. They wouldn’t let her in, because, “no one told her she would need two forms of ID.” To be fair, she would have gotten a terrible score anyway, if she’s really that dumb. FML

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Kids will be kids

Anonymous - 27/05/2022 22:00

Today, at my little cousin’s birthday party, some spoilt child played a prank and placed chocolate cake on my seat just as I was about to sit. Let’s just say of all the days, today was a bad day to wear cream trousers and park the car quite a way away from the venue. FML

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Mystery text

Anonymous - 26/05/2022 15:59

Today, my son sent me a very frank text telling me my husband is no longer welcome at his house, because, “He knows what he did, if you want to know then ask him.” This isn’t going to be good. FML

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Automation

Anonymous - 26/05/2022 02:00

Today, and the past few weeks, my dad has been leaving me notes around the house, accusing me of putting the heating on at 3 a.m. and to stop. Except I've not touched the heating for months, and denying it results in both parents screaming that I'm lying. It doesn't occur to them that he's just fucked up the smart schedule. FML

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Dodgy

Anonymous - 25/05/2022 12:00

Today, after 6 years not wanting kids, my wife suddenly wants them with a desperation I’ve only seen in the drug addicts I work with wanting their fix. I still don’t want children, so now we just don’t have sex because I can’t trust her to take her contraceptives, or somehow tamper with my condoms. FML

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Nepotism

Anonymous - 24/05/2022 10:00

Today, my son is failing his college classes because he thinks he’s going to inherit the family business. It's a garden centre owned by my older sister; I'm just an employee, it will be inherited by my niece. My son actually thought only eldest sons inherited family property. God I raised an idiot. FML

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Is that even legal?

Norma - 22/05/2022 16:00

Today, it's the third time my ex has been granted a reduction in his child support payments coinciding with his gold digger getting an expensive gift. The first time it was her 4-carat engagement ring, then it was her breast and butt surgeries, and now a 3-week trip to Hawaii. I can barely afford food for our kids. FML

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Demanding

ImScrewedddd - 22/05/2022 04:00

Today, my lazy, spoiled brat of a daughter screwed up her third job interview in the past month. She keeps self-sabotaging by asking the employers about the pay and benefits, and if she doesn’t like it, she walks out on them. Then she rants on how nobody wants to hire her. Gee, I wonder why? FML

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Having fun?

Anonymous - 21/05/2022 02:00

Today, on my birthday night, my husband decided to book a trip for himself to go on a solo trip, leaving me with the kids. Instead of hanging out with us and celebrating, he's yelling at our son to leave him alone so he can finish booking the airfare and car rental. Great birthday. FML

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Judge and jury

Anonymous - 20/05/2022 06:00

Today, I turned 18 and I’m now subject to adult discipline. My dad says I will no longer be grounded or have my phone taken away, but I have three strikes and if I get to three, he’s throwing me out to get my own house. He then gave me my first strike because I was 30 minutes late picking up my nana. FML

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Outsmarted

Anonymous - 19/05/2022 06:00

Today, I'm an adjudicator for our school's debate team, collectively I have over 20 years experience both as a debater and as an adjudicator, and yet I have no idea how my daughter manages to convince me she deserves an extra dessert and to stay up an hour past bedtime every single day. FML

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Higher than the sun

Bad Dad - - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I caught my 15-year-old son trying to roll catnip into a joint and smoke it. FML

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Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Sex Intimacy Suspicious Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Today, I needed to pee at my friend's house. His bathroom door is often left closed even if there's no one in there, so I knocked just to make sure. His stepdad opened the door stark naked. FML

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Today, my wife was about to take a shower, when she called me into the bathroom. She stripped me off and pulled me in with her. As I started to get into it, she sighed, "Thank god. You really needed a shower." FML

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Today, I went to a tanning salon. I guess nobody mentioned that you have to lift your fat rolls or you'll end up with weird stripes where the spray never reached. FML

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Today, my mother woke me up by putting a beer on my face. After 15 minutes of her telling me to "just take a sip" and me rejecting it, I finally did just to shut her up. She then yelled at me for giving in to "peer pressure". FML

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Today, my son no longer tries to sneak in and out of the house at inappropriate times. Now, he just brazenly walks out, ignoring me when I ask where he’s going, then walks back in at like 4 in the morning, and again ignores me because he’s still on his phone to someone. FML

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Today, I was taking a nap with my 5 month-old on the (carpeted) floor in the living room. When I woke up, my daughter had bombed her diaper, and her and the dogs were rolling in it on the carpet and tiled kitchen. FML

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