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The all-time greatest FMLs

By Anonymous - 13/03/2016 15:00 - United States

Today, I'm going cold turkey with my drinking and smoking habits. I'm so irritable, I seriously considered running down an old lady who was taking her damn sweet time crossing the road, then shooting the guy in the car behind me for honking at me like I was holding everyone up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 639

You deserved it 3 660

By Unbearable - 25/06/2011 19:58 - United States

Today, my mom insisted on putting sunscreen on me. I closed my eyes and shut my mouth while she rubbed some on my face. Halfway through, I burped. I opened my mouth just in time to get a large glob of sunscreen in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 635

You deserved it 36 470

Unbearable_fml tells us more.

Unbearable_fml 21

Sunday 7 June 2015 8:57

One of my friends brought to my attention that one of my ol' FMLs is still circulating with quite a bit of controversy, so I'm back to add a little bit of insight: For those of you who called me childish for not applying my own sunscreen, I'm far from flexible and I'd like to say that any normal person can't reach their back, so my mom went ahead and did that for me. Since she had some extra sunscreen on her fingers, she went ahead and did my face too, as I did the rest of my body. For those of you who said that it was rude of me to burp on my mother, I completely agree, but my eyes were closed and I had just had Taco Bell, so you know how it is. I didn't know my mom's fingers were so close to my face, my eyes being closed in all, so—I don't really remember, this was years ago. I'm glad I have a published FML, but my day at the beach turned sour when I had to wash sunscreen out of my mouth with seawater! My mom and I still laugh about it, though. Have a good day!

By compguy - 25/02/2010 15:39 - United States

Today, I applied and was accepted for a part-time network engineering position. Being contract work they asked me what I charge. I replied, "$12 an hour." After a look of surprise they accepted me for the position and said, "Our last guy charged $200 an hour, you're a bargain." FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 628

You deserved it 34 953

By Awkward - 22/10/2014 00:36 - United States - Owings Mills

Today, I had to google the definition of transsexual just to know what the hell my friends were talking about. I need to read a book. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 622

You deserved it 28 306

By RektForLyfe - 25/07/2016 03:32 - United States - Wickliffe

Today, I was accepted to the college of my dreams. Then I checked the address. Turns out, the letter was meant for my neighbor. I was actually denied. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 617

You deserved it 1 261

By H-B - 28/04/2009 08:53 - United States

Today, I went out with a girl who I really love. We arrived to her house and before she got out of the car, I attempted to kiss her as planned. Still drunk, I grabbed her head and twisted it when I kissed her. She's now wearing a neck brace. Real smooth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 606

You deserved it 89 016

By Jobless in Seattle - 05/05/2015 02:08 - United States - Katy

Today, after waking up in a panic because I was running late for work again, I realized I was fired for that exact reason the day before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 605

You deserved it 30 524

By Anonymous - 22/05/2010 23:22 - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my dad called my cell. He ended the phone call with, "and tell your boyfriend to shut up, I can hear him moaning." FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 594

You deserved it 47 272

By 13a5ic H1p5t3r - 15/08/2016 03:58 - United States - Spencer

Today, I told my best friend that I was gay and that I liked him. Turns out he's very open about the topic. Basically, he kissed me and then slapped me. I don't know what that's supposed to mean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 590

You deserved it 1 917

By Reliena - 21/01/2012 05:47 - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were in the shower, we began to get a bit frisky. That was until I lifted my arms and he immediately made one of his "Chewbacca Calls." He was referring to my armpits that I had forgotten to shave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 583

You deserved it 29 210

By thebickster - 06/03/2009 17:58 - United States

Today, I was boarding my flight when I got pulled aside for looking suspicious. As she was opening my bag, I said, "Be careful, I jammed so many clothes in there it may explode." I was then strip searched for my trouble. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 580

You deserved it 49 799

By explodingpupppet - 30/09/2009 16:41 - United States

Today, after a month of searching, I found a perfect apartment which I rented out for the next few months. The rent was inexpensive and the place was close to my job. Turns out, my 'perfect' new apartment overlooks a nudist community. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 579

You deserved it 36 956

Shitshow

By Syrinth - 21/07/2010 16:09 - Canada

Today, I got a call from my grandmother saying she locked her keys in the car and I needed to bring her the spares. After an hour bus ride, involving me missing my stop and getting temporarily lost, I arrived and handed her the keys. I brought the wrong ones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 572

You deserved it 31 551

By TinyDancer22 - 25/11/2009 16:57 - United States

Today, I put on my hazard lights, pulled over to the side of the road, and stopped traffic on a busy road to rescue a black cat that had been hit by a car. With everyone watching, I got a towel and slowly approached the cat. It was a garbage bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 559

You deserved it 36 754

TinyDancer22 tells us more.

TinyDancer22 0

Thursday 26 November 2009 7:33

Yes I have a towel in my car. I bring my dog to the beach all the time and use towels to cover the seats.

By Anonymous - 29/11/2011 16:15 - United States

Today, I was lying on the floor playing with my cat. I was holding her in the air, when my sister tripped over the TV cord and unplugged the cable. The TV made a loud fuzzy sound, I got scared and threw my cat in the air. I got scratched in the face by a falling cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 556

You deserved it 27 348

By reckless - 17/07/2010 19:34 - Canada

Today, my dad found my "list". 32 guys, 4 girls. Colour coded as to who I would sleep with again and who I wouldn't, who were virgins, etc. He complimented me on my "organizational skills." FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 555

You deserved it 61 264

By Idiots - 05/09/2009 20:54 - Canada

Today, I was at a party when I got covered in the liquid from a glow stick. Thinking it wasn't a big deal I went to rub it off, but it stuck to my clothes. The cops came so everyone ran and hid in the bushes because we were all drunk. The cops arrested fifteen people because I glowed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 552

You deserved it 47 210

By Delicious - 21/03/2016 02:09 - Australia - Saint Kilda

Today, I used fly spray on my muffin tray instead of olive oil. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 552

You deserved it 7 158

By Anonymous - 25/08/2016 03:50 - United States - Fishers

Today, eight tornados hit the town where I live. The only person who tried to get a hold of me and see if I was OK was my World of Warcraft guild leader after I didn't show up to raid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 550

You deserved it 1 449

Hiking is fun

By Harry - 29/11/2009 22:53 - United States

Today, I went hiking with my friend. We both had to pee really bad, so we went to the edge of a cliff to relieve ourselves. He peed and it came and hit me in the face. He did it on purpose, so I decided to get him back and peed at him. The wind changed direction and hit me in the face again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 549

You deserved it 44 101

By whitefox123 - 20/09/2010 00:07 - United States

Today, I was riding in the backseat while my mom was driving. Noticing she was driving way over the speed limit, I opened a police siren app on my iPod to make her slow down. When she realized, she pulled over, kicked me out of the car and made me walk home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 542

You deserved it 45 601

By barbieissocute - 01/02/2016 03:27 - United States - Elizabethtown

Today, I flipped out with happiness over the new Barbies. I want to buy one. I'm almost 26. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 542

You deserved it 6 674

Crime wave

By Anonymous - 05/05/2009 05:43 - United States

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to Super Glue a couple of quarters to the sidewalk downtown and watch people try to pick them up. Unfortunately, street patrol was watching me glue everything the whole time. I was fined with public vandalism and defacing US currency. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 541

You deserved it 101 458

By Joel_28 - 01/03/2010 00:33 - Canada

Today, I went to the physician to check my rear because it was hurting. My usual doctor wasn't available, so he was replaced by a gorgeous woman with big cleavage. when she asked me to pull down my pants, she saw that I had a huge hard on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 531

You deserved it 20 744

By Joel - 25/08/2010 19:13 - United States

Today, I made a mistake at work that got seven people fired. I'm scared to leave the office because they're all outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 531

You deserved it 70 086

By Well... fuck me sideways and call me Eustace - 31/01/2013 11:34 - United States - Riverside

Today, on my way to work, I hit a pothole about the size of Alabama, bending my wheel and flattening my tire. After changing it and having to explain myself to my furious boss, I went back on that road in my other car to take a picture of the pothole. While looking for it, I hit it again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 523

You deserved it 42 311

Gettin' some

By Username - 01/05/2011 08:20 - United States

Today, I grabbed my t-shirt off the floor beside the bed and got up to walk my boyfriend's dog. After several trips around the block, and plenty of strange looks, I got back upstairs and saw the used condom stuck to my sleeve from the night before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 521

You deserved it 46 470

By Anonymous - 18/08/2009 04:38 - United States

Today, I asked my friends what NNAS was code for. They have been using this for about a month. After bothering one of them for a few hours, he finally told me. NNAS stands for Nataly Needs A Shower. I'm Nataly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 512

You deserved it 52 284

By tragic - 29/08/2016 04:51 - United States - Bloomington

Today, I got dumped for the second time by the guy that I'd been seeing. He actually forgot that he'd already dumped me once this week and did it again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 510

You deserved it 1 560

By loserman - 16/02/2009 22:19 - United States

Today, I accidentally deleted my entire email inbox. Everything from the last 3 years. EV-ER-Y-THING. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 507

You deserved it 56 332

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Keywords

Miscellaneous Family Money Birthday Kids Animals Cats Kittens Cute Dogs Parenting Embarrassing Love Crush Work Painful Sports Awkward Vacation Parents Babysitter AITA Holidays Friends Annoying My ex Gross School Intimacy NSFW

The Top

Today, after my first day at work at a local daycare, I found out that I'm not entitled to breaks because I'm the only worker there who doesn't smoke. My boss asked me, ''What do you need a break for?'' FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 992

You deserved it 2 985

Today, I witnessed my husband swat a coffee bean over and over again, all the while mistaking it for a fly. I then figured he probably has a lower IQ than I do, which wouldn't be so bad if mine wasn't a few points away from minor retardation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 639

You deserved it 6 328

Today, I came home from holiday, only to find my house full of small decomposing animals, courtesy of my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 759

You deserved it 5 269

Today, I was babysitting my younger brother while my parents were away. I turned my back on my brother for one minute and then I heard a huge crash from their room. He had somehow destroyed a family heirloom and 200 year-old clock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 477

You deserved it 7 707

Today, I posted that I'm having a yard sale and listed a bunch of stuff I'm selling. People started messaging, asking me to send pictures and prices. That's why I'm having the yard sale, so I don't have to post pictures and prices! FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 514

You deserved it 335

Today, it's day four of liquid ass and violent hurling after I hosted a birthday party for my daughter, and one of the kids brought a stomach virus rather than a present. Yesterday my daughter started with the violent vomiting too. Everything smells like vomit in my home. Yay me! FML

I agree, your life sucks 471

You deserved it 81