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The all-time greatest FMLs

Mind your own beeswax, Amanda

By look in the mirror bitch - 10/11/2020 14:04

Today, I called someone out for her brazen homophobia. She was ranting about how gays are sinners. When I mentioned that she had three children by three different men, all out of wedlock, and was currently living with her boyfriend, also considered a sin, she reported me to HR for harassment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 485

You deserved it 270

Call the Midwife-slash-Locksmith

By mama bear - 16/10/2019 18:00

Today, my one-year-old son locked me out of the house. I had no spare key and both him and my 4-month-old decided that was the perfect time to scream bloody murder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 484

You deserved it 346

Swot

By Lonely at the top - 06/10/2022 03:00 - United States

Today, my class had a group project. The teacher allowed people to opt to do it alone. I, an introvert with crippling social anxiety, was the only one to do it alone. I still finished before everyone else, with an A. The other students called me a "freak" and many other names, simply because I work better alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 484

You deserved it 135

By Snails - 12/06/2019 20:00

Today, while at work, I let out a nasty wet fart, thinking no one would hear me since I work in a warehouse. My coworker did hear me, and replied, "WTF? Shots fired! Shots fired!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 484

You deserved it 744

Overbearing much?

By Anonymous - 06/10/2020 14:02

Today, my mom caught me playing Mortal Kombat and had a fit about the violence, saying she read violent video games turn young people like me into mass murderers. I’m 29 years-old with my own flat and she still tries to treat me like a dumb impressionable teenager. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 483

You deserved it 166

By TragicallyAnxious - 10/05/2019 08:00

Today, I learned that drunk me from last night is apparently great at flirting. She also apparently flirted her way to a free bottle of white wine, only to shatter it on the kitchen floor at 2 a.m. How did I find out? Three words: glass in foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 483

You deserved it 659

By screw_this27 - 01/07/2019 12:00

Today, I received a book about sailboats. I'd ordered a book about makeup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 483

You deserved it 191

Bread is serious stuff

By bullsonyourface - 30/09/2019 20:00

Today, it's my 6-year anniversary with my fiance, but due to a lot of different family issues, I had to drive 9 hours with my dad to go visit them. Long story short, there was a giant argument about bread, my dad stormed out and I'm left to deal with this shit storm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 483

You deserved it 181

By lonely - 31/07/2019 02:00

Today, not only can I not get a real boyfriend, I can't even get one on the Sims. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 483

You deserved it 319

Not on a plane

By Surewhatever - 16/10/2019 14:01

Today, when I warned my guests to check the toilet for snakes, I meant it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 483

You deserved it 152

Hypochondriacs of the world unite!

By Jason Brazil - 20/10/2019 00:01

Today, I was woken up at 2 in the morning by my wife frantically saying something about her having scabies, and that I had to take her to the ER. It turned out to be eczema. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 483

You deserved it 139

By kibblegirl - 06/06/2019 00:01

Today, I was so hungry that my mouth started watering during a dog food commercial. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 482

You deserved it 292

WHO ARE YOU?

By Anonymous - 05/01/2020 03:00

Today, I was on the toilet and jumped when I saw a face at the window. It was my own reflection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 482

You deserved it 789

Covid-19 vs. Sex life

By CoronaDating - 23/03/2020 23:10

Today, I've been single for a couple of months. The last time I was single, Tinder and dating apps didn't exist. After figuring out how to be successful with those and setting up several dates, I've already had 3 date cancellations for this week because of the coronavirus. It's going to be a long couple of months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 482

You deserved it 468

Stuck with you

By Anonymous - 21/07/2021 04:01

Today, I sent my abusive girlfriend a text, explaining I was breaking up with her via text because I was afraid for my physical safety if I broke up with her in person. She video chatted me less than five seconds later from our doctor's office, where the doctor confirmed she is in fact pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 482

You deserved it 347

Bad boy

By thehaystackerine - 24/06/2020 14:02

Today, my family and I are spending the weekend with my in-laws, and their disrespectful, disobedient asshole of a dog. He does whatever he wants, and if I scold him, my mother-in-law in turn scolds me, then tells me how something one of us did is to blame for the dog's behavior. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 481

You deserved it 305

Peaky Bladders

By Anonymous - 16/06/2020 17:01

Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house, dying to pee during a thunderstorm. Ran to the bathroom, but it was occupied. A huge thunderclap scared me pretty bad. When the door finally opened, my girlfriend's mom walked out, laughing. I realized the thunder scared me into peeing my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 481

You deserved it 465

Jot that down

By Anonymous - 30/04/2020 02:00

Today, I wrote my phone number on a Post-it note and gave it to a cute girl at work. She immediately threw it away. In front of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 480

You deserved it 1 038

The client is always right

By Falcka - 12/04/2021 04:59

Today, I was waitressing at the diner and a guy ordered two eggs, one scrambled and one poached. He hurled his plate at me angrily because they "scrambled the egg he wanted poached and poached the egg he wanted scrambled." He stormed out without paying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 480

You deserved it 80

The grind mindset

By How?! - 06/10/2021 02:00

Today, after enduring chemo, radiation treatments and several surgeries in order to beat cancer, being immunocompromised and catching Covid, I haven’t been able to work for years. Despite all that, I still get told I’m lazy and need to "just go get a job" when I try to get social security. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 480

You deserved it 103

Headshot!

By almyric - 02/10/2019 12:02

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a foot massage. I learned that his feet are ticklish when he kicked me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 479

You deserved it 301

Brain worms

By JaneSimple - 16/08/2020 14:02

Today, my fiancé forgot my birthday. I did however remember to tell him we were sending his mother flowers, for her birthday, which falls a week after mine. We've been together 10 years. I sent her flowers on my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 479

You deserved it 235

Pencil

By thought that was a good thing - 07/06/2022 10:00 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend once again asked me if I could “not get so wet down there” when we have sex, because it “feels funny”. Ummm, even if I could control it, I never knew it was a problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 479

You deserved it 179

The state of sex ed…

By UnhappyGrandmama - 22/09/2022 23:00

Spicy

Today, my 17 year-old daughter texted me, “Mom I’m pregnat” Yes, exactly how you see it spelled. She’s a senior in high school. Oh, and she doesn’t know who the father is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 479

You deserved it 445

Shit's going down

By oGxFoopFoop - 28/05/2020 20:00

Today, I was taking a shit in my friend's bathroom when his brother's girlfriend walked in. Nobody decided to tell me that the lock didn’t work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 479

You deserved it 174

Yikes

By Anonymous - 06/08/2020 17:00

Today, while arguing with my husband, I asked him what was making him so angry. He threw a spoon at the kitchen floor and yelled, “I AM NOT ANGRY!!!!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 479

You deserved it 248

Late arrival

By Nikki Lynn Richardson - 18/05/2020 02:00

Today, I went to the store to go buy a pregnancy test because my period was 7 days late. I get home, go into the bathroom, pull down my underwear, pee and come to find out I'd started my period when I looked at it after peeing on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 478

You deserved it 348

Spotted

By PlagueFace - 17/07/2020 17:01

Today, my dentist kept staring at me with a worried expression while working on me. Concerned that something was wrong with my teeth, I asked her what was the matter. She replied, "I'm not a dermatologist, but you should go to a doctor, I think you have staph." She was referring to my acne. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 478

You deserved it 168

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/02/2021 02:02 - Mexico - Mexico

Spicy

Today, I learned that my mother-in-law gives better head than my wife. How? It wasn't from my experience, but thanks to a casual conversation with my father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 478

You deserved it 173

Creepy

By lilmatchgirl - 04/05/2021 07:59 - United States - Godley

Today, during a Zoom meeting, my 6 year-old daughter comes into my office, bloody all over, acting like nothing's wrong. She looks me dead in the eye and says, "Matilda's dead," and just walks out. Matilda is the neighbor's chicken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 477

You deserved it 165

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The Top

The Top

Today, one of my oldest friends blocked me for refusing to drive her to and from a wedding that was over 30 miles away. The wedding was mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 049

You deserved it 1 200

Today, I had to take my son to the hospital for drinking sunscreen. Apparently, he saw something on the internet that said if he drank it, his body would sweat it out and continually apply it to his body. He's 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 430

You deserved it 6 539

Today, I informed my family of my plans to divorce my wife after catching her cheating on me twice. They bitched me out because I will not be able to survive financially or emotionally without her support. I'm a doctor. She's been unemployed for 2 straight years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 113

You deserved it 2 699

Today, I took my dog for a walk. He started crapping on someone's lawn, then I noticed that the owner was outside and giving me a death stare. Not knowing what to do, I picked up the crap with my bare hands. The man started laughing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 396

You deserved it 51 042

Today, I was taking a piss in my toilet, and my cat came and jumped up onto the toilet bin and looked at what I was doing. Instinctively, thinking she'd jump in or something, I grabbed her while I was midstream, causing me to piss on her, and on my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 368

You deserved it 869

Today, it was the marathon. My girlfriend, has a unique name spelling, ran and I cheered and passed her supplies at two different mile markers. I then noticed a guy I’d never met who had signs with her name at the same mile markers. She was too lazy to split up both her boyfriend’s mile markers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 901

You deserved it 100