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By youjustsuck - 25/07/2011 18:07 - United States

Today, I was home alone, and enjoying my freedom decided to walk around naked blaring my radio. What my mother forgot to tell me before she left was that a guy was coming to fix our dish washer today. Imagine our mutual surprise as I danced around the kitchen while getting a drink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 287

You deserved it 12 801

By rejected - 23/04/2009 04:20 - United States

Today, my friends and I were celebrating Spring Break by going out to a club. I saw a very, very cute girl sipping a drink at the bar all by herself. Trying to be a stud I walked over and said "What are you doing Friday night?" Her response: "Not you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 195

You deserved it 79 448

By oh shit - 06/07/2014 19:28 - United States - Palatine

Today, my girlfriend was feeling down because she has put on some weight. I tried to make her feel better by showing her I can still pick her up. I can, and I was even able to hide the fact that I shat myself doing it. I'm so romantic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 784

You deserved it 8 725

By Anonymous - 10/05/2013 23:16 - Switzerland - Saint Gallen

Today, I happily told my parents that my boyfriend proposed to me last night. My dad's response? "Marry that goofy bastard and you're out of the will." FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 450

You deserved it 5 635

By someone - 23/07/2011 08:50 - United States

Today, I'm staying in a hotel where the lights are automatic. They turn on when something moves and turn off when everything is still. I'm a sensitive sleeper and I move in my sleep, so the light wakes me up. It's currently 2 a.m. and all together I've gotten about 20 minutes of sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 573

You deserved it 4 459

By Anonymous - 27/09/2010 15:20 - Canada

Today, I found a video of my girlfriend having sex with her male best friend on her computer. When I confronted her about it she said it was from before we met. In the video, she was wearing the engagement ring I bought her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 070

You deserved it 3 798

By MALICEG - 26/05/2012 07:00 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, there was a knock on my apartment door. It was the man from next-door, who sarcastically asked if I was alright, because he said he heard me screaming in agony. I was singing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 530

You deserved it 4 800

Hazardous waste

By Anonymous - 23/08/2023 16:00 - United States - Chesterfield

Today, I was taking a relaxing soak in the tub with my essential oils, when my husband walked in and proceeded to take the most foul-smelling dump ever. The toilet is right next to the bathtub, so my essential oils didn’t stand a chance. Besides that, our house has four other bathrooms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 988

You deserved it 176

By Anonymous - 28/06/2014 20:40 - United States - Oakland

Today, my soon to be mother-in-law sent out the invitations she made for my wedding. On them, it says "You are invited to this 'special' event". In the same way, I'm referred to as "special", and my name is misspelled. Hint taken, you bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 362

You deserved it 4 644

By shanxi - 23/05/2012 18:47 - United States

Today, I was discharged from the hospital after having scrotal surgery. When I got home, the anesthetic had worn off, but I felt okay. Then my dog jumped up at me, paws slamming straight into my nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 697

You deserved it 2 518

By KatrinaKitten - 16/07/2011 17:24 - United States

Today, I went to a Japanese restaurant, where the chefs cook the food right in front of you. Our chef tossed an egg in the air, but sadly didn't catch it. Don't worry though, my hair got it instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 100

You deserved it 3 556

Pencil

By thought that was a good thing - 07/06/2022 10:00 - United States

Today, my boyfriend once again asked me if I could “not get so wet down there” when we have sex, because it “feels funny”. Ummm, even if I could control it, I never knew it was a problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 479

You deserved it 179

By DemiRawrs - 01/05/2013 17:23 - United States

Today, my mom accused me of being pregnant. She wouldn't believe me when I told her I'm a virgin, and she challenged me to take a pregnancy test. It came back with a false positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 696

You deserved it 4 715

By muffins69 - 18/09/2010 02:34 - United States

Today, I untied the rope that was tied to my dog's collar because it was wrapped around the tree choking him. He immediately ran off down the street. I had to chase him barefoot in my boxers for 20 minutes till he got tired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 536

You deserved it 9 563

By Anonymous - 26/07/2019 06:12

Today, during a driving lesson, I accidentally rear-ended a BMW at a traffic light. The number plate was "Law Man." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 565

You deserved it 425

By FirstDaddy - 16/06/2014 21:38 - United States - Southfield

Today, my daughter told me that she liked her "other daddy" better. I don't know who's she talking about, but my wife is doing a good job telling her to be quiet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 326

You deserved it 4 484

By chercheurdusmartphone - 09/06/2017 17:44 - France - Paris

Today, my older brother asked me to go get his phone on his bed. I was in a good mood, so I did. He then continued, laughing, “don’t mistake it for the sex toys and used condoms!” I thought he was joking, but there were actually sex toys and used condoms on his bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 205

You deserved it 135

By Jon - 14/05/2012 21:46 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, I went to a club with some friends. I ordered two drinks from the waitress and gave her a fifty. She never returned with the change, and the rest of the staff claimed they didn't know who I was talking about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 732

You deserved it 6 243

Noise annoys

By cocacoola - 11/07/2011 14:24 - Iceland

Today, the couple downstairs decided they wanted to try a home birth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 800

You deserved it 4 323

By tenthousandspoon - 13/09/2010 00:08 - New Zealand

Today, at work, a three year old chucked a chocolate bar at me. It hit me square in the face. Her father praised her for her "quality arm." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 863

You deserved it 3 056

By damnit - 11/09/2010 20:46 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend called and told me he had a surprise for me and to meet up with him to find out. The big surprise was a consultation with a plastic surgeon for rhinoplasty surgery. I never disliked my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 067

You deserved it 2 584

By eightleggedtictac - 08/06/2014 15:10 - United States - Worcester

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend shrieking at the top of his lungs. I ran into the dining room where he was, to find him standing on the table screaming "Kill it!" while pointing at an unmoving spider the size of a Tic Tac on the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 806

You deserved it 6 861

By KyngJulian - 23/04/2013 02:48 - United States

Today, I found out I was an alcoholic. Not from my friends or family, but because the ice-maker couldn't keep up with the amount of drinks I've been making. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 711

You deserved it 19 741

By playdated - 06/06/2014 06:24 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I am so shy and friendless that my mother is literally setting up a play-date with one of her friend's daughters. I'm 25 years-old and this is my best chance at making a friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 755

You deserved it 8 900

By Anonymous - 21/04/2013 22:56 - United States

Today, I was told that I don't meet the minimum requirements for a job I applied for. I currently hold the same job, at the same facility, but just wanted a day shift. Apparently I'm not qualified for the job I've had for 2 and a half years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 396

You deserved it 3 678

By Anonymous - 12/08/2019 22:02 - Germany

Today, I asked my boss to pay me for the only 2 sick days I had taken in 6 months, but he didn't want to. I reminded him that it's the law now in Germany, even for part-time work, so he said OK. Two hours later, he fired me. One week before my probationary period was up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 011

You deserved it 576

Healthy lifestyle choices

By missy - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Italy

Today, I was riding on a stationary exercise bike at home, when I went to get off, my shorts got stuck under the seat. I dangled half upside down until my shorts ripped and I fell on the ground face first breaking my front tooth. I broke my tooth riding a bike that doesn’t even move. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 129

You deserved it 9 718

By madseason - 07/05/2012 00:13 - United States

Today, I confronted my girlfriend about cheating on me. Her response was that it's not cheating since she is getting paid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 973

You deserved it 4 756

Bass Pro Shops reject

By Anonymous - 10/08/2019 12:00 - United States - New Rochelle

Today, I went fishing. Not only did I lose the fish, I lost the entire rod. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 383

You deserved it 396

By Mem - 30/05/2014 20:07 - Sweden - Hudiksvall

Today, my neighbor threatened to call the cops if I didn't turn the volume down on my porno. I was only watching women's tennis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 217

You deserved it 5 316

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The Top

Today, while I was peacefully sleeping, I felt a hand suddenly slap my forehead. Then fingers began to press against my mouth, then nose, then eyes. I finally woke up to my girlfriend laughing hysterically. She'd confused me with her clock-radio. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 643

You deserved it 3 774

Today, my roommate and I finally went to the DMV to transfer our vehicle ownership title to our names. On our way out, we joked that we were now responsible for any violations involving our car. We came back to a $35 parking ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 975

You deserved it 23 564

Today, I took my temperature since I've had a cold for a few days. After reading the display, I noticed the sheath had "Lily" written on it. Lily is our golden retriever. It was in her ass yesterday after she had a seizure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 194

You deserved it 1 564

Today, I got flowers from a secret admirer. Turns out they were from my sister's in-laws who own a flower shop. Apparently, everyone feels bad that I'm single and they are convinced I'm gonna die alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 953

You deserved it 132

Today, I was tested positive for Covid-19, after suffering with some of the symptoms of the disease two days ago. Last week, I had to pretend I was infected with it to avoid going to a friend's party, as my ex-girlfriend would be there. Ain't life a bitch? FML

I agree, your life sucks 396

You deserved it 1 450

Today, I rushed to urgent care after suddenly developing a dark spot in the vision of one of my eyes. Long story short, I paid $110 for the doctor to remove an eyelash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 385

You deserved it 509