The Top

The most agreed on FMLs The most commented on FMLs The most favorited

The top of the day The top of the week The top of the month The top of the year The all-time greatest FMLs

By Anonymous - 20/07/2014 05:23 - United States

Today, I had to check up on a 400-pound inmate who was very upset about being locked up. When I got to his cell, he threw one of his own turds at me through the bars. I took a hit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 578

You deserved it 4 443

By jfc, how just how - 19/05/2013 19:56 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, my brother broke his mountain bike, so he stole mine, and managed to break it as well. Then he made some kind of franken-bike out of parts from both, and messed that one up too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 272

You deserved it 3 789

Going well, is it?

By Elizabeth - 29/07/2011 19:56 - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend to let him know that after he gets off work, he can find me in his room wearing something sexy. He responded with, "Please don't touch anything." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 919

You deserved it 5 484

By John - 07/11/2009 16:04 - United States

Today, someone at work was bragging that their son was high school valedictorian and offered a full college scholarship. 7 years ago, I was also valedictorian and got that same scholarship. All I said was, "Congratulations. Did you want fries with that?" and continued taking their order. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 843

You deserved it 7 353

Valedictorian02 tells us more.

Valedictorian02 0

Sunday 8 November 2009 3:31

It has to be one of those four, huh? Because you know of four situations so mine has to be one of those four? I'm OP. I took the scholarship, got a B.A. in Economics with a minor in Computer Science (not quite Basket-Weaving or Art History, sorry), did analysis for a company that recently went under, started working for a start-up until I ran out of money, then took the best job I could find, which happens to involve selling french fries. By the way, he DID want french fries. And he got them.

By unitythemene - 04/07/2019 22:00

Today, I was worried because it's July and I still haven't found a summer job, despite applying to 50 places. It was fine, because I remembered my savings account. I told my parents. Instead of being relieved, they said they're going to take the money from me for being lazy, and using it for my tuition, despite promising to pay for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 817

You deserved it 353

By Anonymous - 26/07/2011 04:30 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was over at my house for the first time. I told her I had to go take a shower, and from the other room my grandmother yells "you're not going to jack off this time are you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 064

You deserved it 8 990

By edhalen - 23/04/2009 07:47 - United States

Today, I pulled over to help a girl with her car. I thought my limited mechanic skills would help look like a hero. She only needed her coolant cap unscrewed. With top down, shirt off, I was confident as I got out of my car. 10 minutes later I left because I couldn't unscrew the f***ing thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 985

You deserved it 64 370

Can't hold it in anymore

By Anonymous - 28/05/2022 12:00 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, both toilets in my house were occupied, so I had to shit outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 775

You deserved it 189

By teentee401 - 07/07/2014 17:04 - United States - Canonsburg

Today, I hugged my dad. Since I don't hug him very much, he was confused. When I pulled away from him, smiling, he slapped me, saying the smiling and the hug made it look like I was "up to something." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 083

You deserved it 6 875

teentee401 tells us more.

teentee401 36

Tuesday 8 July 2014 2:57

Nope, I'm pretty sure that isn't it since I'm a girl.

By stanky - 22/04/2009 04:37 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with this guy I've been trying to get for four months. I felt like I needed to go to the bathroom. I walked out, glad that I was quiet about it. Ten minutes later, my mom walks out of the same bathroom and goes "Honey, you need to spray after you make a stinky" FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 922

You deserved it 5 861

Breakfast time!

By shit flavored eggs - 09/03/2021 00:30

Today, I decided to make an almighty breakfast of fried eggs and bacon. I couldn't find anything to flip the eggs with so I used a red spatula that my sister handed me. As I was finishing a delicious fry up, my mom came downstairs and asked me why the cat litter scoop was resting in the frying pan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 096

You deserved it 475

I don't know my strength

By Anonymous - 25/05/2022 04:00

Today, I got home to my wife surrounded by plaster, old cement and bricks, and a fucking massive hole in the kitchen wall leading through into next door's kitchen. Apparently she tried to put up a shelf and the wall “fell down”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 955

You deserved it 99

By Username - 27/09/2010 00:50 - France

Today, I was driving to my company picnic with 85 lbs of meat in the back seat, and 1 gallon of homemade BBQ sauce and mustard in large pans riding shotgun. As I drove down a steep hill, the BBQ sauce pan slid forward, hit the glove box and exploded in my front seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 223

You deserved it 23 349

By wmhh26 - 14/07/2019 00:30

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I've been "spending too much time at the bar." I've been sober for 2 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 868

You deserved it 150

Kids…

By guessimdead - 19/04/2009 23:07 - United States

Today, I went to my new job at a pre-school. I was really excited because everything was going so well, and a little boy even said he was drawing a picture of me. He even gave it to me when he was finished. Well it was me, but I was also on fire and being stabbed and shot multiple times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 147

You deserved it 3 728

FML's Showdown #14

By Louis - 21/06/2017 21:30

Another stand off, pick your fave!

I agree, your life sucks 322

You deserved it 126

By Anonymous - 29/06/2014 17:26 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my wife has a bruise on her cheek from a nasty trip while practicing her yoga. She now thinks it's hilarious to flinch in public when I get near her, and keeps telling people she "walked into a door". I've gotten more dirty looks than I can count. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 374

You deserved it 5 175

Messy girls

By tLee - 19/07/2011 04:04 - Canada

Today, I was laying in bed making out with a girl. After trying to figure out for a while why she was spending so much time on my neck it finally hit me. She was frantically and secretly trying to remove the gum she got stuck in my hair. She failed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 561

You deserved it 4 571

Cough up!

By Anonymous - 23/09/2010 19:02 - Chile

Today, I gave my boss the paperwork to approve my commissions for the month. She wouldn't sign it, saying, "Maybe I'm crazy, but I feel that I've signed this before." She hasn't. I have no commission, and my boss is crazy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 734

You deserved it 2 496

By Anonymous - 23/05/2012 01:24 - United States

Today, I found out that my little brother has been rubbing my toothbrush in dog shit for the last month because I accidentally broke one of his toys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 486

You deserved it 4 685

I stand accused

By Creep - 15/07/2011 23:10 - United States

Today, I discovered my new plug-in air freshener smells exactly like my ex-boyfriend's cologne. My friends noticed this, and nobody will believe me when I say it smelled different on the scratch-and-sniff. Now I'm considered a creep. A nostalgic, obsessed creep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 825

You deserved it 6 107

Late bloomer

By Anonymous - 25/03/2021 05:01

Today, I'm nearly 30 years-old, and not only am I still a virgin, I've never even had my first kiss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 989

You deserved it 184

By Anonymous - 10/07/2011 23:51 - United States

Today, my husband finally got round to cutting down a tree limb in our front yard after months of me begging him. It fell on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 369

You deserved it 15 871

By Anonymous - 12/05/2012 20:04 - Egypt - Cairo

Today, my boyfriend sat me down for a "confession". His confession consisted of him saying that "women are like a bag of chips," and that while you can love the smokey BBQ flavor, every once in a while you just have to go for some salt and vinegar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 854

You deserved it 2 442

Not helping

By Anonymous - 19/06/2022 12:00 - Spain

Today, i told my boyfriend that I wasn't feeling emotionally well, and wanted cuddles. He proceeded to hump my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 942

You deserved it 1 317

By Anonymous - 23/04/2013 15:49 - Australia

Today, my mother and I saw a stall selling colourful treats at the shopping centre. Some were placed on small dishes, so we thought we'd sample their goods. Turns out that the colourful goodies that we'd bit into were very creative pieces of soap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 223

You deserved it 45 525

Cheer up sleepy dreams

By dead - 31/03/2021 23:00

Today, it’s been 6 months at my job and I still can’t get used to the morning shift. Even with a changed diet, exercise, meditation, and no caffeine after noon, I'm averaging about 2 hours of sleep a night. My body will always choose sleep deprivation over falling asleep at a reasonable time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 028

You deserved it 153

Demanding

By ImScrewedddd - 22/05/2022 04:00

Today, my lazy, spoiled brat of a daughter screwed up her third job interview in the past month. She keeps self-sabotaging by asking the employers about the pay and benefits, and if she doesn’t like it, she walks out on them. Then she rants on how nobody wants to hire her. Gee, I wonder why? FML

I agree, your life sucks 837

You deserved it 2 107

By Stupid - 22/04/2013 06:58 - United States - Post Falls

Today, after a few weeks of my friends pestering me to spend time with a mutual friend, I realized we had a lot in common. We both love shoes, peanut butter, and it appears that my boyfriend of three years is her boyfriend of four years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 143

You deserved it 5 259

Run for your life

By I Don't Exorcise - 10/05/2012 03:34 - United States - Shawnee

Today, I realized I was getting a bit chubbier than usual. I decided to go for a little jog to stay in shape. Little did I know, my neighbors that just moved in brought along with them, a fully grown German Shepherd. Not tamed. My "jog" quickly turned into a "sprint for my life". FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 253

You deserved it 3 055

FML on Facebook

Keywords

Miscellaneous Cute Dogs Animals Embarrassing Love Crush Work Vacation Parents Babysitter Kids Holidays Friends Awkward Annoying My ex Gross School NSFW Porn Intimacy Cops Scary Movies Clumsy Pizza Delivery Clothes Ironic

The Top

Today, my best friend and I got in a fight, and we have a 3 hour drive back home together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 040

You deserved it 2 074

Today, my baby-crazy mother expressed her concerns that I haven't conceived after a whole two months of marriage. Her advice amounted to "get divorced while you're still hot, sleep around until you get pregnant, then marry the winner." When I complained to my father, he supported her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 424

You deserved it 3 181

Today, I heard a little girl saying how much she didnt want braces to her mom because they hurt and make people look ugly. I looked at her and said, "Aww, there not that bad. See, I have them!" I then smiled to show her. She turned to her mom and said, "See!" then started to cry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 317

You deserved it 10 511

Today, I discovered my boyfriend enjoys anime, just like me. I discovered this when he said he wanted me to imitate and dress up as an underage character from his favourite anime next time we have sex. When I refused, he got upset and said he thought I would understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 122

You deserved it 535

Today, I forgot that I gave my Bluetooth speaker a ridiculous device name as a joke when I'd first got it. It's all fun and games until you're around your family and they see the device name "ScoobyDooCumMilk" and are trying to figure out whose device it is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 275

You deserved it 1 199

Today, I found out that my toxic mother-in-law's retirement plans include moving in with us when she gets old. The death glares I’m getting from my wife right now are so worth the satisfaction I got from telling that evil old bat I’d burn the house down first before I let her move into it with us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 695

You deserved it 114