The Top

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By leahbeuhh - 05/09/2009 13:39 - United Kingdom

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend on the way to meet him. While chatting, I told him that I had a rip in my favorite jeans. When he sympathetically apologized, I said "It's okay, you're just going to take them off in a minute, anyway." I forgot my mom was in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 624

You deserved it 71 155

Message in a mattress

By FASHlONABLE - 05/04/2010 07:32 - United States

Today, I came back from a week long class trip. My mother took it upon herself to replace my bed sheets and clean my room. Apparently, she found a note under my mattress from my ex-boyfriend. It said "For all you future dudes, Connor was here first!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 352

You deserved it 10 039

Meltdown

By hey Siri save me! - 15/07/2021 04:01

Today, like most days, my mom screamed at me for not knowing the answer to one of her random questions. When I told her she could easily Google it or ask Siri, she went full nuclear meltdown and raged, "I’m not asking that bitch Siri, I’m asking YOU!" The words "batshit crazy" come to mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 002

You deserved it 137

What do I do?

By ouch - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Canada - Charlottetown

Today, I thought maybe I should go to my doctor because my hips crack every time I take a step. But she's also my recently ex-boyfriend's mom, so I have to choose between being in constant pain or having my doctor poke at my hips while asking me why I'm no longer dating her son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 053

You deserved it 6 377

By asdfjkl - 15/04/2011 19:51 - United States

Today, my boss friend-requested me on Facebook. My profile picture is of me licking his employee of the month picture for a dare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 830

You deserved it 53 026

Meanies

By Anonymous - 01/09/2009 15:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to meet his parents. After hundreds of passive-aggressive comments, my boyfriend and I went into the kitchen. I started complaining to him about how his parents were horrible and mean. Little did I know, his parents had followed us in and were right behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 406

You deserved it 48 674

By Anonymous - 06/05/2015 05:24 - France

Today, my girlfriend told me that she's scared because her period is late, and that they're usually on time. Five hours late apparently. FML

I agree, your life sucks 522

You deserved it 57

By sadinthesack - 31/08/2009 18:56 - United States

Today, I was making love to my girlfriend and was pretty impressed with myself for lasting through multiple songs. Then I realized her ipod was playing a medley. I only lasted 3 1/2 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 922

You deserved it 10 971

Cool

By daisythebunny1988 - 21/03/2020 00:01

Today, I was sitting in my garage with a fan on my face because it was hot when a suicidal cricket decided to jump into the blades, causing his cricket guts to be sprayed onto my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 862

You deserved it 230

Slap in the face

By deadmedia - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, my best friend informed me that I could not be her maid of honour because I "wasn't as pretty as the other bridesmaids" and she wanted her wedding photos to have "consistency". FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 543

You deserved it 3 945

Class act

By Anonymous - 23/03/2020 17:23

Today, after 5 years, an engagement, and me being 5 months pregnant, my boyfriend downloaded Tinder again. 2020 is really great. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 906

You deserved it 291

Brain freeze

By IvyLeague? - 15/01/2013 02:52 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I was babysitting, and a little girl asked for help with her homework. I cheerfully began an explanation, only to freeze mid-sentence. I could not for the life of me remember how to do long-division. I'm about to graduate from Cornell University, and her little brother had to correct me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 920

You deserved it 10 368

By swtkiss1 - 18/02/2009 22:26 - United States

Today, my mom cleaned up my room. I had a drawer filled with condoms, 2 vibrators, and a bondage kit. She organized the condoms and vibrators in a shoe box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 939

You deserved it 58 675

Denied!

By Hystcheria - 25/07/2021 08:01 - United States - Fredericksburg

Today, I told my long-distance boyfriend that I'd like to throw my legs over my head and have him cram his dick deep inside me. He told me to order a pizza, "It'd be more fun." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 262

You deserved it 227

Am I even here?

By Anonymous - 29/03/2020 05:00

Today, I got written up at work for not cleaning up the breakfast area, and because multiple guests complained how sloppy and messy it looked. I'm on lockdown in a completely different country. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 078

You deserved it 141

By Anonymous - 02/01/2014 20:36 - United Kingdom - Dunfermline

Today, I ate some amazing homemade brownies that my best friend's wife made for us. She waited till I'd shoved a third one into my mouth before she mentioned she made them with breast milk. Knowing her, I don't even doubt it was true. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 300

You deserved it 5 070

It's a bit more complicated than that

By Darkandcold - 09/01/2013 19:23 - United Kingdom - Exeter

Today, my dad learned that it's possible to power a lightbulb with a potato. Since then, he's been going around the house removing all the plugs from the wall and plugging them into potatoes instead. He's absolutely baffled as to why it won't work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 614

You deserved it 2 740

By NotCuteEnough - 24/08/2009 21:27 - United States

Today, I was flirting with this guy that had been forced to be my lab partner for class. He was really funny and attractive, too. In the middle of our conversation he said "You're so cute! You remind me of my boyfriend!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 613

You deserved it 7 770

Freaky dreams

By beemove - 28/12/2013 21:19 - United States - Kirkland

Today, I took an extra Xanax to help with my anxiety, then went to sleep. I guess it was probably too much, because I woke up a few hours later, freaking out and panicking because I was convinced I was a bee trapped in a human body. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 400

You deserved it 10 747

Dirty old man

By kat124ever - 07/01/2013 08:35 - United States - Apo

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm too "high maintenance". And that's because I ask him to use condoms when we have sex, and I refuse to invite my friends over for threesomes. I don't know why I'm not actually glad we are broken up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 933

You deserved it 6 005

By NoCookForYou - 22/08/2009 06:29 - United States

Today, I decided to cook dinner for my wife and kid. After a long day of preperation and cooking I asked them what they thought of it. My 12 year old son then says, "I would say it tastes like shit but not even shit tastes this bad!" My wife then laughed and gave him a high-five. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 724

You deserved it 5 848

Frustrated

By skipper - 12/02/2009 17:25 - United States

Today, I listened to my roommate having sex from 3 a.m. until 6 a.m. When I looked over at my girlfriend, who must have thought I was sleeping, I noticed she was masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 854

You deserved it 12 105

By Itchy - 20/05/2018 19:00 - Algeria

Today, my own breast milk has caused my sensitive skin to break out into a rash all over my chest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 889

You deserved it 263

Highlight of the wedding

By Anonymous - 24/10/2022 22:00

Today, despite his promise not to, my dad got completely shitfaced at my wedding reception. When we found him, he was passed out on the toilet with his pants down, penis out, and he’d shit all over himself, the toilet, and the floor. I thought I could trust him just this once, but now he’s dead to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 541

You deserved it 204

She's crafty

By rainastartree - 23/12/2013 21:10 - United States - Crum Lynne

Today, my husband and I were fighting over money. As we were arguing, our 13 year-old daughter stole $250 dollars from my purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 074

You deserved it 14 900

By Anon. - 02/01/2013 21:53

Today, my dog died. We planned to get her cremated and keep the ashes. My sister put forward the idea of putting the ashes in our food so our dog can be "inside of us, always." She's completely serious. I'm scared to eat food from her now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 396

You deserved it 2 483

By BigDT - 28/01/2012 08:35

Today, I had a testicular ultrasound. The ultrasound tech was a very attractive woman. This is the first time in the past four and a half years a woman has touched my package, and I had to get health issues to make it happen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 810

You deserved it 4 083

Manhunt

By toad - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I found my daughter on Facebook after years of looking for her after the divorce. It turns out it was my ex pretending to be my daughter so she could track me down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 708

You deserved it 6 306

Artistic licence

By Anonymous - 16/04/2020 14:00

Today, after spending at least 4 hours drawing a realistic shadow of a vampire for a picture contest, I finally remembered that vampires aren't supposed to produce shadows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 263

You deserved it 766

Vinted-ed

By whywouldudothat - 19/04/2020 02:00

Today, my mom sold my watch collection on Vinted. I've spent over 15 years on the collection and I don't even live with my mom. I'm still wondering how she got in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 117

You deserved it 144

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The Top

Today, my roommate unexpectedly came home with a new puppy. I'm severely allergic to dogs. When I reminded her of this, she explained that the puppy was her family now and if I didn't like it I should move out because blood is thicker than water. My roommate is my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 008

You deserved it 3 388

Today, a drunk driver crashed in through my living room wall. Not only that, but he managed to completely miss the first two houses on the block, which should have been a barrier before mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 176

You deserved it 3 247

Today, I went to the grocery store, and I realized that all I bought was cat food and $30 worth of protein bars. Yes, I have become THAT single woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 447

You deserved it 7 332

Today, I was running late to class and slipped down a staircase. Not only did nobody help me, but when I got up I noticed an old man staring at my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 642

You deserved it 437

Today, my husband filed for divorce. He also put himself “In a relationship” with my daughter on Facebook. She turned 18 a few days ago. He says it’s no big deal because, “at least I waited until she was legal.” The spineless idiot just doesn’t get it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 136

You deserved it 170

Today, the guy I went to prom with way back in 2006 decided to message me out of the blue. He’s now one of those red pill, MGTOW, woman-hater types. He told me all the reasons he’s too good for me, and why I’ll never have a man like him. I’ve spoken to him maybe twice in the last 18 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 507

You deserved it 95