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By HotACE - 22/04/2011 05:08

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend, she tells me that the flab on my stomach does not turn her on, and stops in the middle of it. Therefore, until my diet is over, guess who doesn't get any. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 008

You deserved it 22 751

Stiff upper lip

By Anonymous - 21/01/2024 20:00 - United States - Collegeville

Today, I saw my brother for the first time since he needed to get half of his foot amputated. When I asked how he was adjusting, he proudly informed me that it hasn’t had any negative effects on his sex life. Not at all what I was referring to, but thanks for the info, I guess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 501

You deserved it 158

Slightly out of hand

By ThatGuyStank - 22/09/2022 08:00 - United States

Today, I had to email my professor, saying, "I can't go to the event assigned in place of class today, due to the mass shooter in the sewers." Gotta love living in the USA. FML

I agree, your life sucks 990

You deserved it 185

By parkertownparadise - 16/02/2012 07:43 - United States

Today, after applying for a job at the local pet store, I picked up a ferret. It began licking my cheek, causing me to turn my head. It then latched onto my ear and hung like a giant furry hoop earring. I screamed, then quietly left the building. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 207

You deserved it 4 791

By worried - 01/04/2010 08:28 - Ireland

Today, I told my boyfriend that my period was now over three weeks late. He still doesn't believe me since it's April Fool's day. But I'm not kidding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 458

You deserved it 8 490

By Clauric - 24/03/2010 12:11 - Ireland

Today, the passport office informed me I won't get my passport in time to go on holidays. However, they took the money for the passport out of my account 2 months ago, causing me to go overdrawn, and not pay my travel insurance. The same insurance I needed to get the cost of the holiday back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 749

You deserved it 4 914

Don't go to Sunn O))) concerts, kids

By Anonymous - 17/07/2021 18:01 - United States - Mount Jackson

Today, my doctor told me that the intense, non stop ringing in my ears, which started suddenly at the beginning of the year, has no cure, no treatment options, and I just need to learn to live with it. I have severe auditory sensory issues, and have barely been getting by. I don't know what to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 147

You deserved it 127

By Just_Me_88 - 14/02/2012 06:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. Apparently, the mafia is out to get him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 328

You deserved it 3 249

Nature trail

By Anonymous - 17/07/2021 20:00

Today, I went crashing through shrubbery looking for the hiking trail that goes so nicely along the lakeside. On second thought, the trail looked very slightly different on the map. Turns out it’s not a trail at all – I'd been trying to hike the county line. FML

I agree, your life sucks 613

You deserved it 578

Asked and answered

By Anonymous - 18/07/2021 14:01 - Brazil - Itapema

Today, after a 16-hour day fixing the computer network at my workplace, I didn't even get a "Thank you". I did, however, get people whining about how, "That computer crap never works" and, "Why do we need IT anyway?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 029

You deserved it 86

By BrokeAndPsst - 12/04/2011 04:27 - United States

Today, my girlfriend chose the most expensive restaurant in town, then spent the entire time facebooking, texting, and playing games on her phone while I dined in silence. This is the second time we've been out this week. She didn't even eat her food. I didn't even get a thank you. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 235

You deserved it 14 935

By pootythe5th - 30/08/2009 18:09 - United States

Today, I was at my favorite Mexican restaurant when I realized my really cute waiter, along with his buddies kept looking at me and smiling. Trying to be cool, I took a bite of my burrito, choked, and spilled ground beef down my new shirt and in my bra. They laughed the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 546

You deserved it 38 687

Legalize it

By Anonymous - 25/07/2021 22:01 - Mexico - Mexico

Today, after arriving, I was told that there will be mandatory drug tests for everybody at my work. Yesterday, I did joints at a friend's party, as it was her birthday. I'm fucked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 430

You deserved it 1 515

Left on read

By Ignored - 11/04/2011 09:39 - United Kingdom

Today, my phone wasn't working properly. After sending out 40 texts and getting no replies, I decided to test my phone by sending it a text from my old phone. The text came through straight away. Turns out my phone's working perfectly and 40 people are just ignoring me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 557

You deserved it 12 255

By sucks2suck - 19/02/2009 05:28 - United States

Today, I told my parents I really missed them and wanted to come home for the weekend, as I haven't seen them in months. They told me that was a bad idea and they couldn't fit me into their schedule. I asked what their plans were. They said they didn't have any yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 255

You deserved it 2 693

Resting bitch face

By Emily - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had to explain to this really intimidating girl that I wasn't giving her a dirty look, and that it was just my face at rest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 668

You deserved it 3 067

By Anonymous - 09/04/2011 18:37 - United States

Today, I had to call AAA because not only did I lock my keys in the car, I also locked in my toddlers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 286

You deserved it 47 616

Serious

By Laurendorcus - 14/03/2010 23:13 - France

Today, I called out "for personal reasons" from work because I had to study for a major test that's taking place tomorrow. An hour later, my manager called to fire me for "not taking work seriously." I then got an email telling me that the test was being postponed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 560

You deserved it 4 116

By MelanieP - 29/08/2009 03:39 - United States

Today, I got a prank call. I now wish he'd call back so I can actually talk to someone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 365

You deserved it 8 251

Stunlocked

By RoyBoy - 26/07/2021 18:01

Today, a stranger asked to borrow my phone since his had died. As he was using it, he kept walking away and I had to chase him because he was walking too far. He turned around, yelled, "Stop following me, asshole!" and punched me, knocking me out cold. When I came to, I realized the fucker stole my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 044

You deserved it 626

Love you too

By Blinken - 15/08/2025 15:00 - United States

Today, I visited my grandma like I do every other day to tell her that I love her, and to remind her that Bud Light and Marlboro Lights is NOT part and what her doctor meant when he placed her on a "light diet." FML

I agree, your life sucks 395

You deserved it 97

By jonh_215 - 08/04/2011 16:09 - United States

Today, as a going away present after five years of military service and one combat tour, the hospital scheduled me for a prostate exam. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 062

You deserved it 4 010

If I could turn back time…

By Anonymous - 15/02/2024 20:00 - United States

Today, I got caught checking out my porn collection while working. The embarrassment is compounded by the fact that I work from home, and I only flashed the folder on screen, but it was enough for coworkers to notice and now call me "King Dong". FML

I agree, your life sucks 111

You deserved it 735

By loki - 13/03/2010 09:17 - United States

Today, my roommate and I finally went to the DMV to transfer our vehicle ownership title to our names. On our way out, we joked that we were now responsible for any violations involving our car. We came back to a $35 parking ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 975

You deserved it 23 564

I feel love

By Anonymous - 16/02/2024 09:00 - United Kingdom

Today, for Valentine’s Day, I got my boyfriend chocolates, a new Xbox game and planned lots of kinky sexy time. He ate the chocolate, orgasmed after three thrusts, had a 2-hour nap, then ignored me while playing the new game all afternoon. He didn’t get me anything, not even my own orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 839

You deserved it 201

By Anonymous - 02/01/2014 09:50 - United States - Southerly North Slope Bo

Today, I tried proving to my best friend that I wasn't a lesbian by telling her I once liked her brother. She was mad because I never told her and now she's calling him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 113

You deserved it 6 350

Awkward small talk

By mybad - 25/08/2009 13:21 - United States

Today, a customer brought her kids into the store where I work. I like to make people laugh, so being my usual joking self I kidded, "Why aren't those kids in school?" She didn't laugh when she said that their house burned down the night before and the kids had no clothes to wear to school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 247

You deserved it 13 302

By blah - 15/02/2009 23:57 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend gave me a card for my birthday and told me to open it 10 minutes after he'd gone; I waited for 5. In the card was written, "It's not working out, but here's $20." FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 904

You deserved it 3 827

Dumbest cheater

By Anonymous - 21/10/2022 06:00

Today, and for the last few weeks, I'd let the nagging feeling that my boyfriend was up to something go. It's also the day I found his messages to other girls on Xbox Live of all things. On a profile that we both share. FML

I agree, your life sucks 989

You deserved it 148

Do a backflip!

By Anonymous - 21/02/2024 15:00 - Australia

Today, I walked out into my backyard. As I did so, my dogs ran past me, slamming the sliding door off its track. I went to catch it, and knocked the bird cage over. To complete the fumble, as I turned to catch the bird cage, I stepped in a dog turd. I wasn't wearing shoes. We're all okay, but… FML

I agree, your life sucks 490

You deserved it 148

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The Top

Today, my husband was chased out of a bar after he was seen slipping something into a woman's drink. I was the woman, the 'something' was aspirin, and that's the last time we ever try to role-play. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 836

You deserved it 30 793

Today, I went to the bookstore. While I was in line, I heard everyone talking about how a book cart had gotten loose and rolled down the parking lot into a car, smashing the front. It was my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 158

You deserved it 2 238

Today, my husband of 3 years, who I have a 1 year old daughter with, told me he wants a divorce, but who knows, maybe in the future we can "date." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 994

You deserved it 3 461

Today, I found out my ex-boyfriend is getting engaged. He broke up with me five months ago because our relationship was too serious for him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 949

You deserved it 2 779

This is why man won't take off the jacket!

I agree, your life sucks 200

You deserved it 289

Today, my parents told me that I'm going on our upcoming family vacation and that's final. I broke both my legs in an accident and have to use a wheelchair. I"m in constant pain and don't want to go anywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 522

You deserved it 69