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Performance

By Anonymous - 14/03/2024 20:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my new neighbours' favourite sexual position is apparently for him to screw her up against the wall while she talks dirty. How do I know this? That wall backs right onto the headboard of my bed, and in this rented space my bedroom is too small for the bed to go anywhere else. I know, I've tried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 509

You deserved it 123

By Anonymous - 13/12/2013 03:47 - United States

Today, I was in the middle of an interview; it was going great until I started coughing. That coughing led to an asthma attack, which led to nonstop gagging. I couldn't even answer his final question, "Are you okay?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 350

You deserved it 2 849

By Lemurcat - 11/12/2013 16:56 - United States - Ventura

Today, I saw the guy who helped me yesterday when I was lost by telling me which bus to take. He came up to me and asked me how it went. I told him that the bus went the exact opposite way I wanted to go. He laughed and said, "I know." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 400

You deserved it 5 226

Lemurcat tells us more.

Lemurcat 12

Wednesday 11 December 2013 19:40

I did not expect this to get published! Just to fill you guys in a bit, I did check the buses before leaving home since I just moved here the day before. I like to double check because my memory is poor so I did ask the bus driver, but she said she didn't go to that perticular bus stop (the bus stop near my house for those who are wondering, and yes, she did stop there, she was just confused because I didn't know the streets and was describing landmarks) and she kinda just blew me off. So I was standing around, confused like an idiot and this guy told me to take bus 6. He sounded like he was legitamently trying to help, and I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, so stupid me took his advice. However, I'm not the kind of person to confront people so, I just called him a dickhole and walked away. I wish I could tell you guys that I kicked his ass, but oh well. I did figure out the buses and I'm riding like a pro now. And I even got a booklet to help me if I'm ever lost again. :D

By jsmills92 - 21/12/2012 00:26 - United States - Cranston

Today, I once again walked in on my husband eating our cat's food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 450

You deserved it 4 458

By Anonymous - 17/01/2012 03:19 - United States

Today, my wife posted on Facebook, "FUCK THA POLICE!" She got 40 likes. I'm a police officer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 455

You deserved it 10 655

Lobster rock

By Fonzie34 - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was lobstering. While I was getting bands, my co-worker decided it would be funny to make a lobster pinch my ear. it was a 4 pound lobster, and my ear was swollen for 5 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 445

You deserved it 2 988

Oh no, she's back

By Anonymous - 20/08/2021 00:01 - United States - Little River

Today, I learned that the respondents on the Suicide Hotline recognize me, and not fondly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 909

You deserved it 229

Bad sign

By Ginger - 03/02/2009 17:43 - United States

Today, I realized it's been 5 days since my boyfriend last answered the phone when I called. Two weeks ago, he told me he used to break up with his girlfriends in a very juvenile way. He doesn't answer their phone calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 462

You deserved it 3 208

Garage rock

By Anonymous - 14/11/2022 14:00

Today, I encouraged my husband to form a band with some of his other middle-aged friends, I just had no idea they would name their band The Wet Farts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 910

You deserved it 385

By Anonymous - 17/12/2012 00:58 - United States

Today, I saw my crush at the grocery store. He saw me and started walking towards me. I got so excited that I farted when he came near. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 445

You deserved it 10 285

Looks nice, I guess

By shia - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff

Today, I got a super short pixie cut. All my boyfriend could do was stare at me, speechless. I thought he was taken aback by how cute it was, until he told me that I look exactly like my fifteen year-old brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 208

You deserved it 22 308

Motherly love

By anonymous - 12/08/2009 01:43 - United States

Today, I felt inspired to create a photo album of myself through the years. As I was organizing the photos of my childhood, I noticed how many my mom was holding me and hugging me in. When she came home from work I jokingly asked, "When did you start hating me?" She replied, "When you were 4." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 284

You deserved it 6 045

Ten years, going strong

By Anonymous - 23/08/2021 14:00

Today, it's the 10th anniversary of the last time I had sex, and that was a drunk pity shag down an alley that lasted less than 30 seconds, due to me getting my period and his whiskey dick. Since then, all my sexual encounters have included the internet and rechargeable batteries. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 278

You deserved it 361

By Anonymous - 15/12/2012 15:55 - United States - Amsterdam

Today, I ran into my infant daughter's room because I thought I heard her crying, and found she was still sound asleep in her crib. The screams were coming from the mouse our cat was using to paint her bedroom walls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 028

You deserved it 2 503

By Anonymous - 12/01/2012 18:41 - United Kingdom

Today, I spun a two year old upside down, in circles. She wasn't remotely dizzy. I threw up on myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 635

You deserved it 11 089

By murphy - 02/02/2009 10:49 - United States

Today, though I'm normally unperturbed by my single-ness, I walked by some squirrels engaged in mating rituals and felt a pang of jealousy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 436

You deserved it 4 147

Send 'em in anyway

By mega_bite - 25/08/2021 10:01 - India

Today, again I wrote out another FML. Again, I deleted it before posting. Every FML I write would seem like I'm just making stuff up, or would be so obviously me that it would just cause me grief. My life is just an endless stream of weird stuff I can't tell family or friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 736

You deserved it 311

Kenny Loggins is penning a song

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my manager came into the dog grooming salon I work at, lecturing about the importance of staying out of a dog's "bite zone". Right then, the dog I was working on bit me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 984

You deserved it 4 507

Profiler

By ocean555 - 07/03/2011 00:27 - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered that my Facebook profile picture, of me between my boyfriend and a friend, is actually me between my boyfriend and the girl he has been cheating on me with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 145

You deserved it 4 291

By Huge A Hole - 01/02/2009 05:22 - United States

Today, a girl I've had a huge crush on for a long time told another friend of ours to get a life. I, in my infinite genius responded that her mom needed to get a life. She ran out of the room bawling. I got slapped in the face and informed that her mom had died not long ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 685

You deserved it 39 428

Traffic stop

By Arrested - 25/11/2022 14:00 - United States

Today, my brother found out that getting pulled over is technically getting arrested. Almost on cue, we got pulled over because my dad doesn't realize that "stop at a Stop sign" doesn't mean "slow down to a crawl, then go." My brother then started yelling, "WE'RE BEING ARRESTED!" At least the cop thought it was funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 869

You deserved it 177

Absolute beginner

By scardeycat13 - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I went snowboarding for the first time. I was so scared that I passed out. I was only on the kiddie hill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 504

You deserved it 10 917

Bad hair day

By Noname - 30/01/2009 19:06 - United States

Today, I went to get a haircut and the first thing the lady asked was, "So, do you want to keep the mullet?" What mullet?! FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 576

You deserved it 5 042

The gift that keeps on giving

By Katie - 29/08/2021 14:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend, since we weren't getting along. When I got home, I remembered that today is his birthday. Him and all our friends now think I'm a total bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 311

You deserved it 1 735

Lemon or haunted?

By Anonymous - 28/05/2020 08:00

Today, our boiler broke. Yesterday, it was our fridge. The day before that, the deck collapsed, and a few weeks ago the dishwasher flooded the kitchen. This is after we spent a ton of money to have the house gutted due to a mold problem. We only bought the house a year ago, and have lived in it even less. We need to move. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 750

You deserved it 215

By john - 28/01/2009 23:02 - United States

Today, the girl who I have had a crush on for two years snuck up from behind me and gave me a hug. I farted very loud at the same exact time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 870

You deserved it 5 159

By AwwChute - 21/02/2010 01:53 - United States

Today, I got stuck in my apartment's garbage chute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 038

You deserved it 32 749

Heatwave

By PeepShow - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, it was just too hot. I stripped down and, being home alone, pranced around nude, lip synching and playing air guitar to some music. I was getting really into when I opened my eyes and looked out the window to see an old man with binoculars on his terrace. He wasn't birdwatching. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 493

You deserved it 47 363

Thicker than water

By Anonymous - 30/11/2022 10:00

Today, my fiancée's druggie sister turned up, but I shut the door in her face because the last time she was here £200 went missing and my floor safe had fresh scratches from someone trying and failing to pick the lock. The argument with my fiancée afterwards was so bad, she’s no longer my fiancée. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 230

You deserved it 143

By smiley1014 - 18/11/2013 09:14 - United States

Today, while swimming in the ocean, I felt some sand under my wedding ring. I took it off for a second, and got hit by a huge wave. My ring is now lost somewhere in the ocean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 663

You deserved it 43 328

smiley1014 tells us more.

smiley1014 23

Monday 18 November 2013 19:15

I guess I didn't put on the FML that I am a male. My wife told me that she wants me to wear my ring (except during work, which is Aviation and we're not allowed). I told her I wasn't comfortable wearing it in the ocean, and she said I had to anyway. After losing my ring, my wife bought snorkel equipment and I spent an hour diving for it until the sun set. My wife and I have been married for 5 years, and we both got a laugh out of it, and we purchased another ring the next day in a Hawaiian market that now has a story and more meaning than the first ring.