Nearly FMLs

By Tweety - 09/07/2018 20:53

Today, I volunteered at the humane society. We recently had a hoarding bust in my state, and there are a few birds, so now volunteers can sign up to read to them. I signed up to do so, and found out I'm allergic to birds. I'm signed up for the rest of the month for 3 hours per day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78

You deserved it 7

By aNasona - 09/07/2018 18:06 - United States - Nashua

Today, at work as a housekeeper, an older guest came up to me asking for a shower cap. I go get one and bring it to her room as she opens the door her naked husband opens the bathroom door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69

You deserved it 7

By Afro - 08/07/2018 22:40 - United States - East Lyme

Today, my husband of 9 years drunkenly confessed to me that had he known how "nappy, ashy, and stereotypical Cuban, " I and my family are, he would have never pursued a relationship or marriage and that my colors are "false advertising". FML

I agree, your life sucks 90

You deserved it 6

By Mara Thurman - 08/07/2018 04:36

Today, I found out from my boyfriend that I not only talk in my sleep, but I also get up turn the lights on frightened and claim there are spiders coming off the ceiling and crawling on me. This wasn’t the first time. It’s been several. We are remodeling, he says he wants separate beds to sleep in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 87

You deserved it 10

By Emmy - 08/07/2018 03:37 - United States - Spiceland

Today, my 8th grade social studies teacher pointed his finger out in front of me, and I went to jokingly bite it (I don’t know why), but when he didn’t move I panicked and instead just put his finger in my mouth, we were equally mortified. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58

You deserved it 88

By Anonymous - 08/07/2018 03:13

Today, my husband informed me that his parents will be coming to visit next weekend. The day after we move into our first house. I've been taking care of all of it, during lunch breaks and after 10-hour workdays, while maintaining our current place. He doesn't understand why I might be stressed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 96

You deserved it 9

By mato - 08/07/2018 01:23

Today, I was trying to improve my relationship with my mother, so I asked how her day was. She responded with “Do you really care?” and then stomped off in her heels so hard I think I suffered hearing loss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81

You deserved it 8

By Foxiestmulder - 08/07/2018 01:06

Today, I found out my boyfriend has been sexting other women when a very explicit message popped up when he was showing me a video. He's done this before and this was the last time. It'll be $3k to break my lease. FML

I agree, your life sucks 94

You deserved it 12

By Underpressure - 07/07/2018 23:59 - Australia - Strathfield

Today, I went in for a simple eye exam as I've been having bad headaches. Four hours later and I was in the ER getting spinal fluid drained to relieve pressure in my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 101

You deserved it 3

By Anonymous - 07/07/2018 21:15

Today, I found out the guy I’m going on a date with next week was just diagnosed with a brain lesion. Our last date 4 years ago ended with him getting into a major car accident on the way home and shattering his pelvis and legs and we hadn’t seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 95

You deserved it 5

By Nnaka Mckenzie - 07/07/2018 20:46 - Jamaica - Kingston

Today, I got my room back after a week of bunking with family, then proceeded to lock myself out. After several attempts to pick the lock, I finally did with an old bus card. Then, after successfully proclaiming my triumph, I proceeded to lock myself out again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52

You deserved it 76

By Fate - 07/07/2018 20:36

Today, after three years, I found out that my boyfriend told his sister in law that he didn't see a future with me. I had to hear it from her. Now his family hates me for breaking it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 88

You deserved it 11

By dickdude69 - 07/07/2018 07:22

Today, went to go take my medication for bipolar disorder, I accidentally took my brothers laxatives. FML

I agree, your life sucks 84

You deserved it 53

By BrokenNHurt - 07/07/2018 01:34

Today, I found out that my ex boyfriend is celebrating his 1 year anniversary with the woman he told me not to worry about. He broke up with me 7 months ago after 3 years of dating because he "Didn't feel the same way for me" anymore. I know why now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 106

You deserved it 6

By TheIrony... - 07/07/2018 01:28

Today, after staying out two nights this week, my dad said it was good that I was finally staying home and spending time with family tonight instead of going out. He's the same one who berates me when I stay home all the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77

You deserved it 5

By Purple Toe - 06/07/2018 23:05 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to take a walk on the beach and I thought it would be a cute idea to jump in front of him and take a selfie. Well, he wasn’t paying attention and when I jumped in front of him, he crashed into me and now he has a broken toe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48

You deserved it 67

By Dribble, not shoot - 06/07/2018 20:47

Today, I had a wet dream while camping with my friends. Rather than coming in the tent with my friends, I put my shoes on and rushed outside to let it dribble out. In the morning, I saw visible cum stains on my black flip flops (the only shoes I brought). My friends know what the stains are. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 59

You deserved it 66

By Bored Intern - 06/07/2018 17:47

Today, like every other work day for the past 4 weeks, I am sitting at my desk staring at a blank screen. No one has given me a project to work on, even though they said they would. And, I was just told that this happens to every intern, every year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79

You deserved it 9

By Anonymous - 06/07/2018 17:40

Today my boyfriend invited my ex to stay with us for a week. Fml

I agree, your life sucks 77

You deserved it 14

By mjrgmz32 - 06/07/2018 11:31

Today, I found out my wife was cheating on me... again. When I confronted her about it, she got upset and put hands on me which ended up in her arrest. Thankfully, we just signed a 30 year mortgage on a house. Only 29 years and 11 months to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 88

You deserved it 27

By cccc - 06/07/2018 05:02 - United States - Sudbury

Today, my boyfriend of 8 years (and we have a 7 year old child) told me that he wants to take a break so he can have some space and figure his self out, that we would still live together and be in the same bed every night but he can go do as he pleases but it is none of my business to ask. FML

I agree, your life sucks 114

You deserved it 14

By "crazy_penis" - 06/07/2018 04:45

Today, my fiance's dad nicknamed me "Crazy Penis" because I'm Native American and I have 3 sons from my first marriage. My fiance is also his caregiver since he's old, so he's going to be living in my house, calling me Crazy Penis every day. This is going to be fun. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 89

You deserved it 10

By "overworkednunderpaid" - 06/07/2018 01:48

Today, after waiting an hour and a half to see the doctor for a scheduled check-up, I had to leave without being seen to make an appointment with a potential client. She didn't show. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 84

You deserved it 6

By Anonymous - 06/07/2018 01:34

Today, my customer told me I should go home with him so he can skin my tattoo off me just like people used to do with pirates. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70

You deserved it 6

By Hard mushroom - 05/07/2018 23:44 - Canada - Whitby

Today, I went to the beach with my friends (were all guys). When we got there, my friends told me it was a nude beach. We all stripped and they couldn’t stop laughing at my penis (I’m circumcised, they aren’t). They talked about it and looked at it so much, I got a boner. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 93

You deserved it 11

By notracist - 05/07/2018 20:43

Today, I woke up to my parents kicking me out of the house. Apparently I said some racist stuff in my sleep, including the ‘N-word’. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83

You deserved it 15

By Slippery - 05/07/2018 19:59 - United States - Schaller

Today, me and my boyfriend thought we would try shower sex. We were really getting into it when he slipped trying to pick me up and fractured his tailbone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81

You deserved it 13

By Ell - 05/07/2018 16:52

Today, with one payment left on my dogs extensive vet bills, he tore his ACL and we're now gearing up for another surgery and long recovery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 84

You deserved it 5

By Akear - 05/07/2018 12:00 - United States - Des Moines

Today, my car floated away in over 6 feet of water. 15 years I've lived in my cul-de-sac and no matter how much it rained we've never had even an inch of standing water in the street. I bought my car less than two months ago because my previous car got totaled. Yay for 6 inches of rain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78

You deserved it 3

By Anonymous - 05/07/2018 05:26

Today, I thought I was FINALLY done with my period. I've had it for almost a month and have tried a few different BC pills to get it to stop. It went away... for 12 hours. Now it's back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80

You deserved it 6

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The Top

Today, I was outside, eating a sandwich, when I noticed a homeless man was standing in front of me. Upon making eye contact, he grabbed the rest of my sandwich and ran off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 927

You deserved it 5 026

Today, my email got hacked and sent all my contacts something for Viagra. My husband thinks I really sent it to him on purpose and now won't even talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 185

You deserved it 3 295

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting it on in his room. In a sexy voice, I asked him, "What are you thinking right now?" He replied, "I'm thinkin' Arby's." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 876

You deserved it 6 016

Today, my boss asked me to pick up some supplies for a presentation. I entered the store in the middle of an armed robbery, was knocked to the floor, and had my cash, phone and credit cards stolen. When I told my boss the story, she said, "So were you able to get the binder clips?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 478

You deserved it 3 393

Today, my seventy-year-old male live-in landlord asked if I'd heard a low humming noise the last few nights, around midnight, as someone had mentioned it. I feigned ignorance, whilst silently lamenting the decline of my self-pleasure opportunities. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 489

You deserved it 300

Today, I finished the cumbersome process to sign up and log in to my health insurance’s online office so I could reach them by email. As a reply, I got an email telling me I have a message on the website, which - after having logged in - informed me that they have replied to my inquiry. By letter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 871

You deserved it 103