Nearly FMLs

By Wigged out - 27/08/2018 05:28

Today, I went to take a shower when I felt something tickling me on my boob. I thought it was a hair. Turns out, an earwig was on my shower curtain and fell on me. Being afraid of bugs, I freaked out and kept swiping it away. I scratched my nipple badly in the process of getting it off me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62

You deserved it 15

By SeagullGirl - 27/08/2018 01:30 - United States - Pomona

Today, my boyfriend and I lost our virginity to each other. The pain was excruciatingly unbearable, so I went to the doctor and found out I had a severe yeast infection. No one had ever told me not to use soap to clean down there. I'm 22. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 508

You deserved it 924

By Whyher - 26/08/2018 22:39

Today, my girlfriend informed me that she got a “grant” for “school” that she had to pay into “but she’d get it back.” She didn’t take my advice and got scammed for $4k. She now complains about having no money and is constantly on edge, the exact opposite of normal. I love her, but FML.

I agree, your life sucks 75

You deserved it 7

By "Andrew Quinn" - 26/08/2018 16:50

Today, after coming back from hanging out at the beach my girlfriends mom got rear ended by a guy I sold a car to. His brakes went out and I told him the brake lines needed to be replaced when he bought it. Michigan is a no fault state. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68

You deserved it 9

By Ollie - 26/08/2018 01:19

Today, I asked the Walmart door greeter where the nearest payphone was and he kept telling me they were sold in the electronics section. I was telling him "the ones you put the coin in, not a pay as you go" but he just kept telling me they were sold in the electronics section. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66

You deserved it 20

By sallymae - 26/08/2018 00:59

Today, after being out of work for several months, I called my grandmother and asked her to help me make my late car payments - she said she would send me a check. Two weeks later - no check. I asked her if she mailed it and she said "No! I don't want the damn mailman knowing my business!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 65

You deserved it 22

By Fired Lead - 25/08/2018 23:30

Today, after I got fired without cause and started an investigation, they called to tell me that they were bringing me back and I could keep my tenure. It would "be like I was never fired" but they're not going to pay me for the 6 weeks I couldn't work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 743

You deserved it 144

By I can't stand leg puns - 25/08/2018 23:25 - United Kingdom - Feltham

Today, I went to KFC and ordered a meal with a Pepsi. I got the meal, but the drink was a Fanta. I politely pointed this out, so they made me another drink, however, refused to give it to me until I paid for it in full, even though it was their mistake in the first place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78

You deserved it 8

By Anonymous - 25/08/2018 18:15 - United States - Saint Joseph

Today, I had to explain to my husband that I was tired and moody because I'd had a major depressive episode last night, was still feeling the aftershocks, and I hadn't wanted to bother him with it. His response was to try to get me to blow him, because it would make him feel better about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 96

You deserved it 7

By Anonymous - 25/08/2018 12:32

Today, I was arrested for taking my daughter to the park. She is half Mexican, and the police absolutely refused to believe that I was anything but a pedophile. Child services still have her and my wife is on vacation for another two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 139

You deserved it 8

By AnotherLilyBart - 24/08/2018 21:09

Today, even though the police have cleared out the multiple meth labs, the abandoned hotel across from my work has new residents! A 20-person van full of sketchy-looking folks. With a canoe. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 5

By starfox - 24/08/2018 20:30

Today, I met an attractive girl at a party. I tried to introduce myself and shake her hand, but she pulled away. The first words out of her mouth were "Touch me and I'll file a restraining order for you." She was friendly with all the other guests. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 738

You deserved it 271

By Anonymous - 24/08/2018 18:43

Today, I attended a funeral for my cousin's daughter. she died at 13 years. I heard a conversation, one woman saying "such a shame she had to go so young" a few seconds later my phone went off max volume. my ringtone is "die young" everyone stared at me with frowns. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35

You deserved it 99

By Sickly - 24/08/2018 18:42

Today my doctor told me I'm perfectly healthy despite three months of vomiting several times a day I literally can't be out of arm's reach of a vomit cup because this is no warning when I will puke next I'm not pregnant and all my tests have come back normal.. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78

You deserved it 2

By Anonymous - 24/08/2018 14:15

Today... While working my job as an armed security officer, I helped a guy pick up stuff he dropped. He said “Hey, thanks man! Have a good day bro.” I’m a 5’4” blonde girl with size 36D breasts wearing a form fitting shirt... FML

I agree, your life sucks 60

You deserved it 17

By ~Gon Fishing-~ - 24/08/2018 14:00

Today, I had an OBGYN appointment to check and make sure I wasn’t dilated. I had to put my legs up and what not. She pushed so hard on me that I let out a huge fart in her face. I never wanted to go back.. two weeks later I saw her again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61

You deserved it 8

By ugh - 24/08/2018 11:18

Today I hit both of my pinky toes on my table and chair's edges. At the same time. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 7

By Johnson - 24/08/2018 06:51

Today I pranked a friend with a coded text message that said "your mom gay". Their parents filed a police report on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28

You deserved it 74

By theforgottensibling - 24/08/2018 00:40 - United States - New Port Richey

Today, I got a birthday card from my father. Too bad it was on my deceased sister's birthday. They say to appreciate the sentiment, right? FML

I agree, your life sucks 66

You deserved it 2

By Stressed out mom - 24/08/2018 00:29

Today I got 2 out of 4 of my kids into the doctor to have a "mystery rash" checked out. It turned out to be hand, foot, and mouth, which is VERY CONTAGIOUS. I now have to go home and explain to my 3 year old twins, they can't have it their birthday party this weekend because of boo boos. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69

You deserved it 5

By Alicabeth - 23/08/2018 23:21 - United Kingdom

Today I tried on some new special underwear to help me feel sexy again. I started it In front of my husband.... his reply was " looks nice " and then he goes back to washing the dishes. Well self confidence, it was nice seeing you for a little bit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66

You deserved it 7

By TayTay - 23/08/2018 19:45 - United States

Today I started my morning with a cup of coffee and my email. I unexpectedly sneezed and small bits of coffee splashed on my mac trackpad. I wiped it up and forgot about it. 5 seconds later, my computer shorted out and is no longer working. 3rd time, in this job, I've had to have my mac fixed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30

You deserved it 66

By Warmonger_Smurf - 23/08/2018 16:51 - United States - Port Townsend

Today, I was in the old homestead orchard. Digging a resting place for my dog that died last night. I ended up breaking a hydraulic line. So now I have a dead dog, a broken backhoe, and a half dug hole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59

You deserved it 13

By L. O. G. - 23/08/2018 05:38 - United States - Ellensburg

Today I ended my two year dry spell by getting a blowjob in my car. halfway through she stops and says “I’m going to throw up”. The dry spell continues... Also a cop came. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44

You deserved it 16

By Octavia - 23/08/2018 03:12 - United States - La Crosse

Today, me and my boyfriend were having birthday sex for my birthday and it was like round 3 for the morning and in walks my parents with a couple presents. They see me with cum all over and my boyfriend on top of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 36

By "egcmi" - 23/08/2018 01:58

Today, I found out my boyfriend has been using one of my detergents to wash his genitalia. When I asked him why he'd use that one specifically, he replied "Oh yes, I used it last night as well, what is it?". That was makeup remover and last night we had sex after he washed his penis with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48

You deserved it 6

By Anonymous - 22/08/2018 23:17 - United States - Sylvan Grove

Today my teacher burned a candle she knew I was allergic to. Last year her daughter did it too. I'm currently on the couch, missing practice, looking like a balloon with a head ache because the principal won't do anything to stop it..... FML

I agree, your life sucks 72

You deserved it 4

By Anonymous - 22/08/2018 08:23

Today, my husband decided out of nowhere to start talking to his ex lover, who he lied to me about and basically cheated on me with her when we were dating, then after we got married he continued to talk to her, profess his love for her, and exchange nudes. It's been 3 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67

You deserved it 43

By Anonymous - 22/08/2018 03:25

Today, I went through my wife's phone only to find she was texting her ex that she was cheating on me with 6 months ago and told me she wouldn't message him again. Her only response was she loved him more than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80

You deserved it 13

By ShyGuy - 22/08/2018 03:15

Today, my self-consciousness/shyness reaches an all time low when I went to wash the dishes in the bathroom instead of the communal kitchen, because I was scared people would judge me for the way I washed dishes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61

You deserved it 29

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The Top

Today, I found out that when my parents said they couldn't afford gifts for us kids, what they really meant was that they weren't buying a gift for me. I found this out when I overheard my father telling my uncle about the things he got my siblings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 491

You deserved it 1 353

Today, I'm getting married. I have a big poofy white dress and, oh yes, the shits. Here's hoping I can make it down the aisle without rushing off to the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 348

You deserved it 3 517

Today, my ex-boyfriend called to tell me that he had always made a point to eat some form of meat before making out with me. He'd known I was a vegetarian since the day we met. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 454

You deserved it 9 191

Today, I wrote a mental note: don't tell a couple of nuns that you used black magic to fix their computer. Then don't tell the story to your boss just as the nuns walk back in again. Then don't say "speak of the devil" to them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 477

You deserved it 38 105

Today, I walked in on my grandmother's cats fighting, and my brothers gambling on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 846

You deserved it 129

Today, I overheard my parents talking. It went something like “Walk it off, you’ll be fine”, “I will not be fine, it’s leaking”, “Well sit on a towel then”, “A man should not squish when he sits”, “Remember that next time you think about doing it to me.” I dread to think what was leaking out of my dad, or where. FML

I agree, your life sucks 311

You deserved it 73