Nearly FMLs

By shart - 02/04/2018 18:48 - United States - Chicopee

Today, my future FIL asked why I had so little food on my plate. I jokingly told him I was on a diet trying to get skinny again. He scoffed at me and said, “Yeah. That’ll never happen.” Not only did it ruin Easter, but also my engagement. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 93

You deserved it 13

By itchymomma - 02/04/2018 16:29 - United States - Springfield

Today, I have seasonal allergies, a head cold, PMS, and am on steroids for the worst case of poison ivy I've ever had in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78

You deserved it 5

By EKYchba - 02/04/2018 11:17

Today, I talked my girlfriend of 1 year into kissing her best friend over FaceTime while they were drunk. I keep trying to talk to her, but she tells me she likes girl and isn't sure about our relationship. Damn it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32

You deserved it 181

By Stuck at home - 02/04/2018 10:05

Today, after telling my mom I had a really high chance of landing my dream internship at a national lab, she decided to scream, cry, and throw the mail at my dad's face while he was sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 88

You deserved it 7

By Odannyboy - 02/04/2018 07:17

Today, my girlfriend and I were really in the mood and were about to try some very kinky sex for the first time. After a lot of sexy foreplay, her brother (also her roommate) opens the door and asks if she can eat her sandwich. We were both naked and she was blindfolded and tied up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 91

You deserved it 29

By Loser Lover - 02/04/2018 01:07

Today, I tried to throw a party this weekend with a few friends and a girl I like. She's the only one who showed up, and she was here all weekend, along with me. We're both super awkward, so neither one of us could get up the nerve to actually talk to the other. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90

You deserved it 16

By GiniMarie - 01/04/2018 20:52 - United States

Today, I tried to submit an FML about today marking one year since I'd slept with my husband, but I instead posted it on Facebook. It took me HOURS to realize my mistake. There were MULTIPLE comments. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90

You deserved it 101

By benjamin - 01/04/2018 16:42

Today, I had my first tinder date in 5 months and the first thing she said to me was that in person I look just like that guy from The Greatest Showman. I was kinda hoping she was being flirty by comparing me to Hugh Jackman or Zac Efron. She was talking about the bearded lady. FML

I agree, your life sucks 99

You deserved it 7

By R2A8 - 01/04/2018 16:00 - Kenya - Nairobi

Today, instead of searching for Easter eggs, I was stuck having to find where my new pet cat had taken a poop. The smell still hasn’t left my room since morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 82

You deserved it 7

By Shoed'nt Have Done That - 01/04/2018 02:46

Today, my teenaged daughter got a job. She decided to celebrate by spending almost $1000 on shoes. They are just varying colours of high top Converses. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 87

You deserved it 18

By mia - 01/04/2018 01:30

Today, my boyfriend took me to my first session of Dungeons and Dragons, which I had been excited about for weeks. I picked it up quickly, but my rolls were so bad that I "embarrassed" my boyfriend. He won't be taking me to any future sessions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 981

You deserved it 409

By landlord - 31/03/2018 22:54 - Italy - Palmanova

Today, we had to stay at a friend’s vacation house because the electricity and gas aren’t turned on yet at our new apartment - apparently the previous tenant never paid her bills. The gas at the vacation house doesn’t work either, all the hotels are booked, and our friend won’t answer the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 91

You deserved it 8

By CrappyCramps - 31/03/2018 17:41

Today, I woke up with horrible abdominal pain. Thinking it was just period cramps, I went to take a shower to soothe the pain, only to spend the next hour alternating between vomiting and violently shitting myself. This is the first time period cramps were the lesser evil. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 111

You deserved it 5

By crazycatlady - 31/03/2018 17:40 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today my parents dropped their three cats off at my flat so I can look after them while they move and find a new place. So far none of them have stopped hissing and crying, and one of them peed on the floor. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 78

You deserved it 9

By NotSoBridezilla - 31/03/2018 15:58

Today, I spent my birthday looking for bridesmaids dresses while the actual bridesmaids didn't even come with me. I'm the bride, and I've received no support from these girls at all. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 87

You deserved it 23

By cmExotics - 31/03/2018 14:28

Today I was feeding my new pet that had I not gotten even a week ago. It escaped while trying to feed it. He was a highly aggressive 5 1/2 inch Vietnamese Centipede with one of the most painful bites in the insect kingdom. He is now in my room/house. Tore apart everything to no avail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33

You deserved it 141

By Why-dont-people-call-first? - 31/03/2018 12:52

Today, while breastfeeding my baby my husband ducked out to the shops. I had put bub down to sleep, but hadn't yet put a shirt or bra back on when I heard the knock on the front door. Figuring hubby had returned I opened the front door. My brother in law dropped in to meet the new baby. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 70

By Cargokeys - 31/03/2018 09:43 - New Zealand

Today, after losing my house and car keys I called my landlord who sent a builder to "open" my door. Now I have a lock that doesn't lock, a door that won't close, 2 extremely criminal neighbours and a very angry landlord when I found my keys in one of the many pockets of my cargo pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36

You deserved it 90

By Sam - 31/03/2018 04:50

Today, I showed up for a date with a woman after weeks of talking about the match. She was not genetically a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 84

You deserved it 30

By Mommy - 30/03/2018 19:57 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today it was my son's seventeenth birthday. He started the day by telling me and my husband that he’s gay. I don’t mind, but my husband clearly does, he’s trying to convince me to throw him out if our house all day. I married a monster. Fml

I agree, your life sucks 153

You deserved it 11

By Annie - 30/03/2018 12:22

Today my husband agreed to invite another man to have a threesome with us, only when we actually started having sex it somehow ended with the two of them fucking each other and me just watching without actually participating in the threesome I wanted FML

I agree, your life sucks 79

You deserved it 100

By Anonymous - 30/03/2018 12:13 - United States - Normal

Today, I became so dehydrated throwing up from the flu it took the hospital nurses 27 times to stick me with an IV. Now my arms are severely bruised. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83

You deserved it 6

By "heeeyitsbrittney" - 30/03/2018 08:35

Today, we had a pig candy dispenser by the drive thru window. When you press the button it oinks and candy comes out the butt of it. All day the candy dispenser sat there. It decided when I opened the window and a bigger lady asked for a milkshake to start oinking by itself. She definitely heard it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76

You deserved it 8

By Macdoe - 30/03/2018 02:23 - United States - Bakersfield

Today, I had an idiot come into my lane while driving. Our mirrors collided. It was the first day of having a rental car because I was rear-ended. FML

I agree, your life sucks 84

You deserved it 9

By Anonymous - 30/03/2018 01:49

Today, my mom barged into my room asking if I had any vaseline. I told her no as she proceeded to rummage through my bedside drawer looking for any. She ended up digging deep enough to find my "toy." So much for that lecture she gave about respecting privacy weeks ago. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 94

You deserved it 9

By lolatmerite - 29/03/2018 19:44

Today, I slept over my new man's house for the first time. We were spooning and I farted so loud it woke me up and I screamed. He turned over. He hasn't talked to me since I left. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 91

You deserved it 18

By henry - 29/03/2018 18:21

Today my car was missing from the car park so I called the police reporting it stolen the whole 9 yards, it was only as I got home, I remembered I bought a new car last week and I was standing right next to it as I was calling the police about it being missing, I had been searching for my old car FML

I agree, your life sucks 46

You deserved it 104

By Gutbomber - 29/03/2018 15:55

Today, I left work early because of horrible gut pain in my left side. My wife won't stop talking about putting a finger up my ass to "relieve pressure". FML

I agree, your life sucks 71

You deserved it 7

By marinaann - 29/03/2018 06:04

Today, like every day, my classroom smelled strongly of a combination of wet dog and urine. It smelled so bad, in fact, that I threw up in front of the entire class. No one else in the class can smell it and they think I'm crazy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80

You deserved it 8

By Anonymous - 29/03/2018 05:29

Today, I dropped my Dad's favorite beer mug while doing dishes at his house. It shattered on the wooden floor and a piece got stuck in my foot. He pulled away from his video game long enough to yell at me. Didn't ask if I was ok or help me clean up the bloody mess my foot was making on the hardwood floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72

You deserved it 8

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The Top

Today, I dropped the collection basket during Christmas Mass at my Catholic church. Money and checks fell all over the floor and everyone was staring at me. I was too stunned to even pick it up. There were about 1,500 people from our town there and my family won't stop bringing it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 624

You deserved it 1 571

Today, my father tripped over the dog and hit a wall. He was so convinced his arm was broken that we waited for 3 hours in emergency to find out he had a bruise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 811

You deserved it 3 449

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. When she went to give me a blow job, I got embarrassed and told her I'd rather just please her instead. Now she thinks she's inadequate and I'm being a jerk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 754

You deserved it 18 600

Today, it's been so long since my wife has been interested in me intimately, I became aroused when a woman touched my arm while talking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 454

You deserved it 249

Today, I knew my wife and kid wouldn't be home until later, and I was excited to play video games and relax. The second I turned my computer on, the power went out. It came back on as my wife was pulling into the driveway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 652

You deserved it 126

Today, someone thought I was my boyfriend's daughter, instead of his girlfriend. I'm 4'11", he's 6'2", and this has happened four times already. FML

I agree, your life sucks 399

You deserved it 147