TheGr8Penguino

Today, I came home from a stay at my girlfriend's place. My little brother stepped on my bag and accidentally switched my vibrator on. I told him the buzzing sound was my electric toothbrush. He went to the bathroom and came back with the toothbrush. He won't stop asking what's in my bag. FML

Today, after being fed up with my sarcastic, mouthy daughter, I decided to remove her TV from her room. I dropped it on my foot and broke two toes. She promptly said, "That's what you get." FML

Today, my boyfriend's dad's new girlfriend gave me a bar of soap, a sequin dress covered in her body odor, and a child-sized used Coach purse that smells like feet. She insists that I wear this outfit to their New Years Eve party. I gave them a bottle of expensive olive oil and a vinegar set. FML