ClawedMatrix

You hypocrite

Today, my mother lectured me about going to the bar too often. She did this while rolling a joint. FML

Today, I dropped a whole batch of penis-shaped cookies on the floor. Then I thought, "5-second rule" and started eating them. And then I realized that I was home alone, in pajamas, eating broken dick-cookies off the floor. FML

Today, after applying for a job at a tanning salon, I was told they don't hire "naturally tan" people. I'm black. FML