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The all-time greatest FMLs

Get outta here

By JMcKay - 26/01/2012 03:36 - Australia

Today, I found out that if a jock calls you a nerd in the street and you retaliate with a witty comeback, be prepared to run. Fast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 102

You deserved it 6 147

By Anonymous - 26/11/2010 00:21 - United States

Today, I woke up to the face of Billy, the puppet from Saw, staring down at me. I was so scared, I wet myself instantly. It was my cousin in a mask, who is staying over for Thanksgiving weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 101

You deserved it 6 153

By meh - 04/01/2010 22:29 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to the dentist to get a baby tooth which had decayed removed. After almost an hour, I came out with a numb mouth and a missing tooth for life. It was not a baby tooth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 100

You deserved it 6 532

Naughty boy

By Stoopiddogbot - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Swansea

Today, I came home to find the dog had learned how to open our stair-gate and kitchen door, devoured the entire fruitcake I'd made for a special occasion, and then vomited said fruitcake all over the fabric sofa. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 100

You deserved it 4 509

Never again

By notAMrs - 20/11/2012 17:22 - United States - Jeffersonville

Today, I called off my engagement, after finding out my fiancé is cheating on me. I recently started a new job, and in anticipation of getting married, I asked that my username include his surname. They can't be changed, so now I get to log in every day under that sorry bastard's surname. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 098

You deserved it 9 223

By Anonymous - 22/03/2015 09:52 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my mom got drunk and started crying at my after-wedding party, after promising she'd behave herself. She thinks my husband is an awful person who'll drag me into a life of sin, all because he has a tattoo and an ear piercing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 097

You deserved it 2 913

Back to black

By drycleanplz - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Reserved

Today, I wore my expensive new white jacket to work, thinking it would be a nice change from my usual black. I managed to lean in printer ink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 097

You deserved it 13 079

WTF?

By Anonymous - 12/10/2015 02:02 - United States

Today, I went to the hospital for a scan. The tech went wide-eyed and stared at his screen in horror before realizing I could see him. He wouldn't tell me what he saw, apparently only my doctor is allowed to do that. So now I have to wait for god knows how long to get my results back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 096

You deserved it 1 695

By Glutton for Punishment. - 07/09/2010 21:30 - France

Today, I got a separation agreement from my wife. It was sent from the lawyer she spent the long weekend with right before she told me it was over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 096

You deserved it 2 482

By Broderick - 26/03/2011 06:32 - United States

Today, I was hiking, and four miles away from my car and civilization, I tripped over a rock into a cactus. I used duct tape, which ripped all the hair off my arms and legs but ignored the spikes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 095

You deserved it 6 964

Big dong

By Anonymous - 03/12/2015 14:02

Spicy

Today, I accidentally walked in on my dad as he was getting changed. Now I know genetics can be a real bitch. With such a massive difference in size, I have to question whether I'm even biologically related to this old three-legged git. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 095

You deserved it 3 646

Messed up

By socal000 - 20/10/2011 12:04 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor for a physical. I've been sitting in the doctor's bathroom for 10 minutes now, trying to think of how to tell him I accidentally tripped and spilled my urine sample on the carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 093

You deserved it 4 871

Avoidance tactics

By busrides - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I saw the girl I had confessed my love to two years ago on the bus. We chatted for a few minutes and she got off on the first stop, saying that this is where she had to get off. Twenty minutes later, I see her in the bus next to mine. The bus number was 20. Like mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 093

You deserved it 5 829

By ZeroApostle4Ever - 23/02/2012 08:00 - United States

Today, my dad threw a waffle at my face for his own amusement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 093

You deserved it 6 608

By summinay - 12/11/2011 08:30 - United States

Today, I got married. About five minutes after I got my huge wedding dress on, I had to pee. It took three people to help me not pee on my dress, and my bridesmaids took pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 088

You deserved it 10 464

summinay tells us more.

summinay 0

Monday 14 November 2011 1:32

Guys, my dress wasn't elaborately big. It just has many layers. And yeah I've already laughed about it. Haha.

Cough up

By cain001 - 04/01/2011 00:56 - United States

Today, my boss and I were stacking boxes in the back room of the store. One of the boxes fell and hit me in the face, causing me to lose my glasses. My boss stepped on my glasses as she ran to check the box for broken merchandise, which I then had to pay for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 086

You deserved it 2 547

By no more tp - 17/02/2011 06:22

Today, I ran out of toilet paper in the bathroom. I was forced to use tissues to do the job. As if that wasn't bad enough, the sanitizer in the tissues gave me a rash that made me have to stand up frequently in the lecture hall. Several people asked if I had Tourette's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 086

You deserved it 4 363

By KCHS - 11/12/2014 18:20 - United States

Today, the power went out at school. As a senior, I don't show up until third period. When I got there, I signed in as usual. The office secretary waited until I signed in to tell me that if I hadn't, I wouldn't have to attend classes that day. Now I have to sit in class doing nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 084

You deserved it 3 590

By Anonymous - 18/02/2012 06:22 - United States

Today, a hobo threw up on my car while at a red light. He then asked me for money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 082

You deserved it 2 461

By Mackdaddy - 07/02/2010 14:21 - United States

Today, I was at basketball practice and my coach asked me how my knee was. When I lifted my pants to show him, my cheetah print thong that had been stuck inside the pants from the dryer flew out to the ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 082

You deserved it 9 083

By Anonymous - 03/02/2012 22:49 - United States

Today, trying to pocket a little extra cash for himself, my dad responded to multiple babysitting ads on Craigslist, accepting them all on my behalf. I despise children with all my heart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 081

You deserved it 8 823

By prewald92 - 07/03/2015 04:03

Today, I didn't get the promotion I interviewed for at work. A guy who's worked here for only two months did. My supervisor's reason: she doesn't think I'm going to amount to anything. I work at Home Depot to pay my way for college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 081

You deserved it 2 613

prewald92 tells us more.

prewald92 9

Monday 9 March 2015 5:17

OP here just to clarify a few things. The position was just part time supervising other cashiers and making sure they get their breaks on time. I've been with the store two years now but life goes on. As for college I take all my classes online and any classes I have to take on campus I have down to just going one day a week, so I can get hours to take care of my daughter.I was more offended by her comment but she can think whatever she wants.

By The Drew - 21/09/2012 18:49 - United States

Today, after completely refilling my almost empty gas tank, I witnessed the price flip from $3.69 per gallon to $3.59. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 080

You deserved it 2 674

Spooky!

By Anonymous - 16/01/2015 16:22 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my dad was fixing my wardrobe and pushed too hard, causing stuff to fall from the top shelves. I saw it happen with my own eyes, but he's dead-set convinced that it was some kind of poltergeist fucking with him, and now he doesn't want me to go in my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 080

You deserved it 2 365

By Anonymous - 07/08/2015 17:31 - United States - Newark

Today, the jackoffs at my new job kept making jokes about my prosthetic leg. When I finally lost my shit and told one of them to back off, he said "Woah there, Mr Pistorius!" then said he'll avoid using the restroom now in case I decide to shoot him through the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 080

You deserved it 1 904

By bottomdrawerraider - 17/11/2010 17:13 - United States

Spicy

Today, my mother was over visiting. My three year old ran out of my room chasing the cat with his toy. He smacked the cat with it, the cat scratched him, he dropped it and ran away. I was busy with the baby so I asked my mom to take the toy away. She walked back holding my pink dildo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 080

You deserved it 12 207

By bandit99999 - 19/08/2011 18:59 - United States

Today, to keep my phone safe while I went on some rides, I took it out of my pocket so I could put it in my bag. Just as I pulled it out, a woman ran into me, knocking my phone to the ground and breaking the screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 079

You deserved it 2 860

By op-poopy - 22/04/2011 14:26 - Canada

Today, the landlord of our building constructed a bathroom in the space under the stairs, outside my office, on the other side of a thin wall. He must have some kind of bowel disorder, because now I get to hear the sounds of his loud, wet and gassy pooping several times per day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 078

You deserved it 2 602

By Marc - 03/03/2015 02:03 - Hong Kong - Tsuen Wan

Today, it's been almost 2 months since I moved into my new place, and it's the first time a girl has slept in my bed. I also slept on my new couch for the first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 078

You deserved it 4 336

Clubbing tip

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Pocatello

Today, I approached a cute girl at a club, and she started barking at me like a rabid dog. Thinking she might be mentally unhinged, I left, only to see the same girl laughing her ass off with her friends minutes later. When I went back over, her friends started barking at me too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 078

You deserved it 7 082

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The Top

The Top

Today, I discovered a cool song called, "I Don't Wanna Die" by a Korean band, VINCIT. Wanting to find out more about it, I googled its title. Instead of relevant results, I got the phone number to a suicide prevention hotline. To make things worse, now all my social media are filled with ads about suicide prevention. FML

I agree, your life sucks 487

You deserved it 211

Today, I was approached by a policeman who asked me if I was the owner of the green Camry. Turns out my parents decided to teach me a lesson for lying where I had been by reporting the car stolen. They also wouldn't answer my one phone call. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 039

You deserved it 9 110

Today, I was telling my boyfriend how proud I am of him for finding a really good job. He interrupted me to tell me that my breath smelled like his cat's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 408

You deserved it 8 860

Today, I woke up completely deaf, for no reason. My doctor told me my hearing loss, "could possibly be permanent." I’m a composer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 513

You deserved it 84

Today, after having a pretty rough day, I decided a nice, hot shower would be great. Ten minutes in, the shower head apparently couldn't take the water pressure anymore, and it flew off and hit me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 355

You deserved it 2 193

Today, my mom called me again to whine about what she heard about Trump on the news. I don't like him either and often agree with her, but she does this every 20 minutes so she can update with me. She's done this since he took office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 829

You deserved it 435