Today, apparently my hormones can't decide if I'm in my 40's... - FML

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By Anonymous - 02/08/2018 01:33

Today, apparently my hormones can't decide if I'm in my 40's or in my teens judging by the amount of acne I currently have. FML

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BurnInDemonFire 35

Saturday 4 August 2018 0:15

The irony is that if you join up all the spots on your body, they form a map that reveals the hiding places for the cure for acne, and the fountain of youth.

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BurnInDemonFire 35

Saturday 4 August 2018 0:15

The irony is that if you join up all the spots on your body, they form a map that reveals the hiding places for the cure for acne, and the fountain of youth.

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Today, my toddler gave me a compliment. She said, "Mommy, you’re so pretty... when the lights are off." FML

agreeclassic 340

vote type 1 94

Today, my boss noticed some scratches on my shoulder and joked about how I must "like it rough". That's not a problem, we have a friendly working relationship. The problem is that I haven't had sex in nearly three years. The scratches are from my bird's claws. FML

agreeclassic 1 175

vote type 1 226

Today, my boss confided in me that when a gay person visits his house, he discreetly follows them around and cleans anything they touched and everywhere they sat with disinfectant wipes. I've worked for him for 7 years but he doesn't know I'm gay. FML

agreeclassic 29 618

vote type 1 2 596

Today, I failed a basic intelligence test when the mouse trap I was setting up snapped on my thumb. Later, when I checked the trap I saw that the mouse had managed to lick all the bait off the trap without being caught, I have a sore thumb and was outsmarted by a rodent. FML

agreeclassic 38 314

vote type 1 14 171

Today, my wife helped herself to an energy drink at 7pm, because she "felt tired", and yelled at me when I told her not to. All night, all I heard was, "Babe, I can't sleep. I'm restless. Talk to me. Babe, you're sleeping and I feel lonely. Hey babe what are you thinking about? What's going through your head?" FML

agreeclassic 643

vote type 1 73

Today, my wife told me not to rush her during packing for our upcoming move. She's lived in the house for 30 years and apparently needs to reminisce over every single item. FML

agreeclassic 776

vote type 1 308