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By ironik970 - 17/09/2011 06:56 - United States

Today, I will be sleeping in my aunt and uncle's living room. It is 90 degrees. There is an air conditioner but if you turn it on, the raccoons living in the wall will get pissed off and try to claw through the wall. Only five more nights sweating my balls off or imagining racoons having angry sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 546

You deserved it 2 797

ironik970 tells us more.

ironik970 13

Saturday 17 September 2011 22:50

OP here, I can kill a raccoon if it "comes after me" but all of the animal grunting and weird sounds emitting from the walls just paint an image of frightening animal sex in my mind. By the way its the only room on the floor so it's not coming from the room next door.

By quietdown - 30/05/2009 19:50 - United States

Today, I began to choke on a large pill while my mom was in the room. Hoping that she would help me, I began to make a lot of noise. After she completely ignored me, I threw my body over a chair, saving my life. At this point my mother asks me to shut up because she can't hear her friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 062

You deserved it 4 769

By Scott - 15/09/2011 07:34 - United States

Today, I caught my pregnant wife trying to suck milk from her breasts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 316

You deserved it 6 432

By SeriousJoker72 - 11/10/2014 01:17 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I woke up to find that my acne has lined itself beautifully in a perfect 'L' shape in the centre of my forehead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 833

You deserved it 3 522

SeriousJoker72 tells us more.

SeriousJoker72 18

Saturday 11 October 2014 19:09

Hahahahaha! Maybe I'll make that my Halloween costume!

By neverdateaclosetcase - 17/11/2010 18:16 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend asked me to meet his parents over Christmas. I was ecstatic. But there was one condition: I must go dressed as a girl since he hasn't worked up the nerve to come out to his parents yet. We've been dating for over a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 426

You deserved it 13 530

By Anonymous - 03/10/2014 20:43 - United States - Tempe

Today, I overheard my brother telling his friend that having sex with a girl who's on the pill gives the guy female hormones and "turns you into like, half-chick, half-dude." He was serious. How am I related to this moron? FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 479

You deserved it 3 104

Memories

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Gainesville

Today, I asked my husband if he knew what day it was. His answer was, "Garbage day?" It's our six-year anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 697

You deserved it 3 714

By verycre8tive - 21/05/2009 07:31 - Romania

Today, after a few drinks my dad decided to tell me the story of how I was born. He wanted a baby girl after my brother, and mum didn't want any more children. So he tricked her by giving her the wrong pill. That should explain a lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 660

You deserved it 2 733

Bad habits

By StopSnitchinBro - 04/06/2023 18:00

Today, I got fired from my job. Turns out, just because the new redheaded guy at work doesn't say anything about you calling them "Ed Sheeran" all the time doesn't mean he's not reporting it to management. FML

I agree, your life sucks 170

You deserved it 2 779

By TOOshort - 23/04/2019 16:00

Today, several of my apartment complex neighbors walked right by me as I struggled to clean the inches thick, icy snow off of my SUV. I’m 4’11. Not one person offered to assist me, even after I slipped and fell several times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 567

You deserved it 2 331

By authorx - 27/06/2013 04:39 - Canada - Toronto

Today, while driving during rush hour, I was singing so loudly that some jackass in the car next to me felt he should get my attention by throwing a wadded-up McDonald's bag through my open window, hitting me in the face with it, and telling me to shut up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 384

You deserved it 50 581

By hopeless-.- - 29/08/2011 15:06 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came in to kiss me. Being sweaty and nasty, I said, "Not now, I'm hot and sweaty." He looked at me blankly and said, "So am I, just smell my ball sweat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 265

You deserved it 7 522

By shorty4 - 13/07/2012 14:36 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend, who is a fully-grown man, that making dinosaur noises in public is no longer acceptable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 369

You deserved it 7 702

FINE!

By Yoooooo0 - 29/11/2009 18:10 - United States

Today, my dad and mom and I were going out to eat dinner. My dad wanted a romantic dinner just with my mom so he told me to make an excuse not to go. I did, which ended up as a huge fight, grounded and phone taken away. My dad just stood there in the background putting thumbs up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 120

You deserved it 3 727

By MissCan'tKeepAJob - 23/08/2011 16:18 - United States

Today, I work by myself at a retail store and I was bored so I called my boyfriend. I woke him up and he was feeling frisky, and as things were getting heated I started to moan and say dirty things. Until the entire rack of clothes fell over and revealed my boss hiding. He had a boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 141

You deserved it 57 677

Randy old bird

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, I had to explain to my mother that it's inappropriate to hit on my boyfriend when his parents are over for dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 706

You deserved it 2 776

By Audrey Anna Grace Somers - 12/05/2019 14:00

Today, I was trying on a dress at my grandmother's house. When I posed for her, she told me she would expand the waist, because I won't be sucking in the whole time I would be wearing it. The joke's on you Grandma, I've been sucking my stomach in since I was twelve years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 698

You deserved it 361

By Anonymous - 26/11/2009 19:11 - United States

Today, I hit a deer. The worst part? Papa deer saw me hit mama deer, and proceded to ram into my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 275

You deserved it 20 972

By duckthisspit - 01/11/2015 03:23 - United States - Grand Marsh

Today, I threw away a bunch of candy wrappers from my pocket, I also managed to throw away $20. That was the only money I had. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 504

You deserved it 11 520

duckthisspit tells us more.

duckthisspit 12

Monday 2 November 2015 2:44

Hi everyone, op here, the reason I had wrappers in my pocket was because I was handing out candy for Halloween at my friends house and cleaned up wrappers from eaten candy, forgetting that I had money in my pocket because I got it before I went home to put it in my wallet. While I was throwing it away I just grabbed the war of junk out of my pocket and I was having a conversation with my friend so I didn't notice the money in there while shoving it in the trash. I can't go back to my friends house because he lives very far away, I have texted and called him to ask if he can at least look for it for me and he has not replied. Happy Halloween!

By AgentOrion - 29/08/2014 04:16 - United States - Bessemer

Today, I dreamed I was wrestling an alligator. I quickly woke up to my girlfriend yelling and me holding her in a headlock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 287

You deserved it 5 931