The Top

The most agreed on FMLs The most commented on FMLs The most favorited

The top of the day The top of the week The top of the month The top of the year The all-time greatest FMLs

By kittkatt1 - 11/11/2013 01:52 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I found out that when you flush an animal clear of blood for research, there is a nerve inside the heart, which when you strike it right, electrical signals cause the animal to writhe as if alive. Now, my boss knows about my fear of zombies, and I'm now terrified of half my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 412

You deserved it 5 517

Make it stop

By firstandlastjob - 13/06/2020 14:11

Today, at work I had to listen to a group of old men talk about double penetration. I work at a coffee shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 903

You deserved it 221

By Anonymous - 07/11/2013 22:21 - United Kingdom - Derry

Today, everything that was beautiful and pure in my life turned into a terrible, warped version of what it once was. Today, I lost all hope and no longer believe that life, although sometimes shitty, is sweet and worth living. Today, I met my mother-in-law. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 714

You deserved it 5 924

By Anonymous - 19/02/2011 05:22 - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house and sat around while he played video games. He turned to me and could see I was annoyed. Then he told his friends on XBox Live that he needed a 10 minute break to have sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 088

You deserved it 8 611

Whodunnit

By emily - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my cellphone was stolen. I work in a morgue. By myself. Obviously it wasn't stolen by any of those people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 429

You deserved it 4 367

By GymBattle - 31/10/2013 23:18 - United States

Today, while I was working out, I was listening to music with my earbuds in. The Pokémon theme started playing and I begun singing along. It wasn't too long after that I remembered I was in a crowded gym on a military base. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 386

You deserved it 12 610

By Anonymous - 11/02/2010 00:03 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of a couple of months texted me that she was very sad because her puppy had just passed away. Feeling sorry for her, I bought her another puppy of the same breed. I wrapped it in a blanket and placed it on the passenger seat and went to pick her up from school. She sat on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 000

You deserved it 8 866

By allgrowedup - 12/02/2011 03:10 - United States

Today, my mom left me at home with a babysitter. I'm 17. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 394

You deserved it 5 510

By maddie! - 09/02/2011 17:48 - United States

Today, I was walking in the park with my boyfriend of 3 years. He stopped and knelt down in front of me. I started to panic, then he told me to calm down, my shoe was untied. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 562

You deserved it 13 353

By depraved - 08/01/2009 11:21 - United States

Today, taking the train to work after the worst hangover ever, two immense fat women start talking about rim jobs. I got up to switch cabins just in time for their conversation to switch over to RECEIVING rim jobs. I sprayed puke all over myself and an innocent bystander. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 278

You deserved it 4 756

By costcocondoms - 23/07/2009 05:23 - Mexico

Today, I was shopping at Costco for a romantic evening with my girlfriend, I bought some flowers, dinner, and a super pack of condoms, At the register behind me, I heard somebody say, "Good thing my daughter has a responsible boyfriend." It was my girlfriend's father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 009

You deserved it 9 656

It's hot!

By joyf - 08/12/2019 20:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend's parents came over. It got hot, so I took off the jacket I was wearing, but I forgot I wasn't wearing a shirt underneath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 810

You deserved it 2 480

By Missy - 02/02/2011 18:16 - United States

Today, I told my mom I broke up with my boyfriend because he wanted to have sex and I wasn't ready. Her reply? "Well, you can't stay a virgin forever." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 266

You deserved it 17 301

By terrible kenny - 30/01/2011 09:24 - United States

Today, as I went into my calculus class, the teacher announced that someone had received a negative grade on the test we were getting back. I laughed and said, "Which f*cker managed to get a negative?" Turns out I'm the dumbass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 156

You deserved it 60 697

Loose Women

By Anonymous - 13/10/2021 22:59

Today, according to my husband of many years, he was actually planning to ghost me after our boring first date. It was only the fact that I shagged him senseless that night that kept him around long enough for us to actually get to know each other. Hooray for me being a "loose slut" back in 1998. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 247

You deserved it 646

Barter off!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I got an email from a local company looking to have a website made. I looked over their request and provided them with a reasonable offer. I got an email back stating that they would like to pay me with liquor instead of money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 576

You deserved it 4 355

By noname - 13/12/2008 05:48 - France

Today, my wife, in her magnificent wedding dress, had her period during the ceremony. How did I find out? The same way everyone else did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 877

You deserved it 2 978

By xoragebaby - 24/01/2015 01:29 - United States

Today, I realized my job working with food is getting to me. While having sex with my boyfriend, I fell asleep. He asked me what I was doing, and apparently I sleep-talked, saying "I'm chopping lettuce". FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 753

You deserved it 5 052

By Meowingtons500 - 28/11/2011 04:02 - Canada

Today, I was looking through some old family pictures for a scrapbook I'm making. I found images of my dad passed out in his underwear, my great-grandpa having a drunken bath, and an unidentified moustachioed man sitting on the toilet, giving the photographer the finger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 590

You deserved it 3 144

Meowingtons500 tells us more.

Meowingtons500 18

Monday 28 November 2011 22:51

Think Mario moustache + typical Saskatchewanian redneck man with a 80's trucker hat and you gots it.:)

By therosalina - 01/10/2018 17:30 - United States - Duluth

Today, my dad moved my car onto the street so he wouldn't accidentally back into it while moving our boat. My neighbor backed into it instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 902

You deserved it 179

By Anonymous - 28/09/2013 16:25 - Serbia - Beograd

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said yes, but the ring turned out to be quite tight on her finger. She then chewed me out, saying that I can't do anything right, then changed her answer to no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 842

You deserved it 4 405

By wtf - 12/07/2009 16:20 - United States

Today, I was on my girlfriend's computer. When searching on google, her browsing history popped up. The first thing was "Best positions for a small penis." FML

I agree, your life sucks 92 092

You deserved it 14 528

Thanks dad

By Anonymous - 19/09/2013 17:32 - Canada - Brantford

Today, I took my girlfriend home to meet my parents. My dad was having a bad day and was rude from the outset, but things went to total hell when he started screaming that he'd "kill" our microwave if it didn't "shut the hell up". My girlfriend now thinks we're a family of abusive psychos. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 916

You deserved it 3 331

By Anonymous - 17/11/2011 02:24 - United States

Today, I got into a car accident. The other party left the scene immediately after without exchanging insurance information. Deer can be so rude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 594

You deserved it 8 778

Great, just great

By Mills - 18/01/2010 11:49 - United States

Today, my estranged, alcoholic father decided to tell me I have a sister. After 30 minutes of him describing how beautiful she is, how much we look alike, and how she has lived one town away from me her entire life, I was excited to the point of tears. Too bad she died a year ago. Thanks dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 294

You deserved it 2 353

Hard act to follow

By Anonymous - 09/11/2011 12:27 - United States

Today, my girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn't follow her latest fad of becoming a goth, which involves dressing like an undertaker's haunted hearse and putting on eyeliner. Last week she was into Reggae and beanie hats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 263

You deserved it 13 459

D.A.R.E. to say no

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I accidentally texted my mother instead of my drug dealer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 977

You deserved it 55 606

News to me

By Anonymous - 01/07/2009 20:35 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor for a sports physical. I've had a giant, dark birthmark on my left ribcage that I've hated most of my life. Recently I've learned to embrace it and show it off by wearing bikinis. My doctor saw it and told me it's a fungus that's been spreading on my side all my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 458

You deserved it 7 416

By Anonymous - 08/09/2013 16:38 - Switzerland - Bern

Today, as if to prove that there is no end to the unspeakable stupidity of the human race, a patient was brought into my hospital, needing a cellphone removed from his anus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 033

You deserved it 3 598

By mycedes - 26/10/2011 17:56 - United States

Today, was the last day of the prank war between me and my husband. I told him the last prank needed to be the best one. I took a shower and tried to think up my last prank. When I got out of the shower, my hair was green. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 570

You deserved it 38 174

FML on Facebook

Keywords

Miscellaneous Family Money Birthday Kids Animals Cats Kittens Cute Dogs Parenting Embarrassing Love Crush Work Painful Sports Awkward Vacation Parents Babysitter AITA Holidays Friends Annoying My ex Gross School Intimacy NSFW

The Top

Today, my boss told me that as funny as it is, it is inappropriate to mock customers with my "fake" Scottish accent. I don't, he refuses to believe that I speak with a Scottish accent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 351

You deserved it 2 434

Today, I went to the market to buy some groceries. Before I got even half-way home, a guy stormed toward me, pulled what looked like a knife, and chased me around the block while screaming that he'd kill me for sleeping with his wife. Nope, still a 15-year-old virgin here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 738

You deserved it 2 519

Today, I have to listen to my flatmate complaining that ladies don’t shag him anymore since his dad in Saudi Arabia cut him off. Apparently, they show a lot of interest until he reveals his financial situation. The dude actually thought he was God's gift to women instead of a mobile ATM. What a tool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 019

You deserved it 150

Today, my ex is calling everyone I know, telling them I ruined her life. I'm not built for serious relationships, I was very open with her about that, the moment stuff gets serious I freak out, yet she chased me at every stage, then blamed me when I couldn't handle her demands for serious commitment, and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 970

You deserved it 503

Today, after we recently married, my husband wanted kids and I didn’t, so we agreed we’d have at least 5 years child free, then have one child and one only. I just tested pregnant. Despite all our precautions, I actually got pregnant on our honeymoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 411

You deserved it 325

Today, I went searching for my cat who'd escaped. Of course, I searched the entire building and somehow she'd got back in through my front door of my apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 334

You deserved it 96