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Hey all, OP here! Glad to see I made some of you laugh...I wish I could say the same about my cousin, his wife, and my aunt and uncle (the proud first-time grandparents)! At least my dad, who I was staying with for this event (I live up in the mountains, but this was in Denver), laughed his ass off when everyone else was out of earshot and said he honestly felt the same way (and since I was a baby once...thanks, Dad?). Oh, well. At the very least, I think the new parents will avoid me like the plague at future gatherings, even ones specifically planned to honor the new addition (oops), and this might get my relatives to back off about when exactly I'm making my own contribution to the family line.

By educatedreptile - 09/12/2016 16:21 - Canada - Yorkton

Today, I found out that I owe the government money and that the amount will increase if I miss the deadline two months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 245

You deserved it 1 456

By Anonymous - 03/05/2009 05:35 - United States

Today, I was in the grocery store buying a few things. A sales associate came over the intercom system saying, "Attention Safeway customers. If you drive a blue Subaru, it's rolling into 18th Ave." Everyone laughed except me. I forgot to set the brake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 737

You deserved it 48 566

Tell me now!

By KillingMeSlowly - 11/10/2015 03:37

Today, I realized that my two year-old likes to help with the groceries. And by help, I mean hide a bag of chicken. It's been two weeks since I went grocery shopping and I still can't find it, but it smells like something died in my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 720

You deserved it 2 697

By Out of Ice Cream - 29/09/2015 17:06 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He did it over Snapchat because he said he didn't want to hear me sad over the phone and wanted to save data. Three years down the drain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 378

You deserved it 2 198

By brittholzworth - 27/06/2019 20:00

Today, I found some cookies on my bed and got so excited that I kneed myself in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 183

You deserved it 754

By Murphs_Law - 16/11/2016 06:37 - United States

Today, my crazy downstairs neighbor was yet again fighting with her boyfriend by slamming every door. When this didn't work, she went downstairs to fight with his grill. She wheeled it to the end of the driveway and pushed it over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 171

You deserved it 814

Love and hate

By bad mom? lol - 22/04/2022 06:00

Today, I got a call from my daughter’s school. They found her on the roof, threatening to kill herself. I had to pretend to sound scared and sad over the phone, but in reality, the only emotion I could feel was extreme joy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 267

You deserved it 1 846

By needagoodlaugh - 10/11/2016 01:58 - United States - West Linn

Today, after complaining about the clocks still being an hour ahead from daylights savings, my work finally changed the time on all the clocks in the building. Now all the clocks are two hours ahead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 859

You deserved it 891

Thanks, I hate it!

By thanks for reminding me - 18/08/2023 10:00 - United States

Today, I was reduced to a blubbering mess at my baby shower. My mom bought tons of clothes, bibs, etc. Sounds nice right? Well, they all had sayings like "Daddy’s Little Princess" and "Daddy’s Girl." She knows full well my fiancé quit his job, changed his number, and disappeared without a trace 3 months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 081

You deserved it 137

By Jake - 28/09/2010 17:35 - United States

Today, I took a girl I like to the movies. Everything went great until I went in to kiss her. She didn't object, but my mother, who apparently followed me to the theater and was now pulling me away by my shirt while saying, "We're leaving!" certainly did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 973

You deserved it 3 471

Where am I?

By anonymus - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Canada - Toronto

Today, my grandmother was driving me to the mall. Suddenly, she stopped in the middle of the road. When I asked her what exactly she was doing, she said, "Oh, am I driving?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 175

You deserved it 2 328

What the hell?

By Anonymous - 18/07/2019 22:00

Today, one of my friends came over to go swimming in my pool. Before going back into the house, as it's all carpeted, I automatically took off my trunks, forgetting about my friend. I realized my mistake when my friend commented on my abnormally long foreskin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 211

You deserved it 1 546

By nah - 09/09/2015 19:55 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I started my period. Every time I try to open a tampon, my dog goes crazy thinking it's one of his treats. Now I have to open them with my hair dryer on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 394

You deserved it 2 948

By ShowerGirl - 30/04/2013 07:54 - United States

Today, while I was in the shower, I heard a door slam. Assuming it was my fiancé, I shouted "I love you!" I later opened the bathroom door to see my stereo and television missing. I'd said "I love you" to whoever robbed my apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 682

You deserved it 5 710

By Allie - 29/10/2009 23:44 - United States

Today, I got a text from my boyfriend that said, "Last week was the most embarassing time of my life, we're over." He was of course referring to the seizure that I had due to my epilepsy at Olive Garden. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 173

You deserved it 2 821

Leave it

By caleighrossi - 16/06/2014 00:21 - United States - Ottumwa

Today, I was working my shift at our local nursing home. I was assisting a "sweet", "innocent" 100-year-old lady, and she had a bunch of used tissues balled up in her lap, so I offered to dispose of them in the waste-basket. She told me that if I touched them, she would kill everything I love. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 625

You deserved it 5 391

By revan546 - 26/04/2013 13:23 - United States - Hillsborough

Today, while he was eating chicken, one of my friends asked me why I'm a vegetarian. I responded that I believe in animal rights and don't like the conditions the animals are forced to live in. He looked at me incredulously before explaining that "chickens aren't animals, they're birds." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 517

You deserved it 9 551

revan546 tells us more.

revan546 24

Saturday 27 April 2013 4:40

Hi guys, OP here. Yeah I've been a vegetarian for a few years and my friend finally decided to call me out on it. I think i died a little inside when i heard it haha. He eventually did admit that he was wrong and we're still friends and whatnot. Common sense isn't so common nowadays though is it.