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Drunk level: 2000

By morningbirdie - 20/09/2020 14:01

Today, I had to pick up my dad because he was too drunk to drive home. Drive his wheelchair home, that is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 228

You deserved it 103

Hotkey

By Anonymous - 02/03/2023 22:00

Today, I was screen-sharing during a virtual meeting when my cat jumped up and walked across my keyboard, and revealed my embarrassing search history. FML

I agree, your life sucks 336

You deserved it 798

By shit_fer_luck - 16/12/2014 16:35 - United States - West Lafayette

Today, someone backed straight into my car as I was hunting for a parking spot. I just got my car back from the body shop after a hit-and-run. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 642

You deserved it 2 540

Bad boy

By Anonymous - 02/01/2022 05:01

Today, my son accused me of being a "Karen" about house rules, and insists he’ll follow normal rules but ignore my supposedly "insane" rules. I consider all my rules normal, so he pointed out he’s 6ft6 and 100 lbs heavier so he will ignore rules he doesn’t agree with, and good luck stopping him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 740

You deserved it 1 027

Impressive

By Kris - 27/07/2024 12:00 - New Zealand - Dunedin

Today, I tried to blow my girlfriend's vegan parents minds by cooking them a tofu stir-fry. Being allergic to tofu but wanting to prove my cooking skills, I wore gloves and avoided touching my face. Somehow, I still managed to get it in my eye, causing an allergic reaction that made my face swell up like a balloon. Now her parents think I'm some sort of Martian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 308

You deserved it 462

Thanks, I hate it

By I'm Trading Up For A Dog - 14/12/2014 20:28 - Finland - Pori

Today, I finished a painting I'd spent 3 weeks working on for an exhibition. When I came back from lunch, my cat was perched above it on my desk. He looked at me, then down at the painting, then jumped down onto it. He slipped and smeared the wet paint everywhere, ruining the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 694

You deserved it 6 256

Born to run

By Ipickthegoodones - 26/06/2009 06:43 - United States

Today, I had three sheriffs come to my door, turns out my boyfriend of three years went on a robbing spree last week and brought the stolen merchandise back to my apartment. The best part: He used my car while committing the robberies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 256

You deserved it 6 643

By Zit-Blues - 04/01/2010 13:50 - United States

Today, I had a large pimple on my temple. I decided to try the whole "put toothpaste on the zit to make it dry up" technique that all the magazines say to do. Not only is my pimple still there, but the toothpaste irritated my skin and my already large pimple now appears three times bigger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 099

You deserved it 8 070

Power trip

By Anonymous - 20/02/2026 03:00

Today, my boss shouted and screamed at me for my fuck ups that have humiliated the company and cost thousands to put right. It was only when he paused that I was able to tell him he had the wrong guy, he wanted my coworker down the hall. I’ve been here for four years and he still doesn’t know my name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 504

You deserved it 60

You started it!

By Anonymous - 30/07/2024 00:00 - Australia

Today, I received a text from an unknown number that read, "I love you." Thinking it was my partner being sweet, I responded with a long, sappy message about how much they mean to me. Turns out, it was a wrong number. The person responded with, "Um, thanks but I think you have the wrong number." FML

I agree, your life sucks 128

You deserved it 546

By goodbyepromotion - 30/08/2013 06:28 - United States - Dayton

Today, I addressed my district manager as "Dude." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 550

You deserved it 41 872

By Hairless freak - 23/09/2012 08:14 - United States - Fallbrook

Today, after weeks of dealing with a bad hair cut, my hair finally grew back to my preferred length. Today is also the day my roommate replaced my shampoo with hair remover as a prank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 540

You deserved it 1 866

By Justaddwater - 09/01/2010 17:45 - France

Today, I spent an hour and a half trying to rid my house of smoke and burnt plastic smell because my little sister didn't know she was supposed to add water in the package of microwaveable mac and cheese. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 567

You deserved it 3 258

Rom-com

By Anonymous - 15/10/2020 11:02

Today, I finally got the courage to tell my best friend who I'm crushing hard on that I like her. She gave me a look of revulsion and asked if I was joking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 192

You deserved it 172

Jack-in-the-box

By Anonymous - 10/03/2023 22:00

Today, I realized that I'm a better human being when drunk or high, because at least then I don't seem like a wind-up toy about to snap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 637

You deserved it 251

Superman

By Anonymous - 25/02/2026 00:00

Today, it was made clear to me my baby brother has been letting me win all our fights, because I accidentally left my truck parking brake off so it started rolling down the street, and he caught it and dragged it to a full stop. That things weighs almost a tonne. I can’t fight him anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70

You deserved it 406

Plans

By bitchface - 09/01/2010 04:08 - United States

Today, I looked at my father's Facebook for the first time in a month to see a status saying, "Making wedding plans!" Really? When was he planning on telling his own daughter? FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 922

You deserved it 3 069

How can I help you today?

By Anonymous - 24/06/2009 05:41 - Canada

Today, I was working Customer Service at Walmart. An elderly lady came to my register to return a pair of white pants. I asked her what was wrong with them and she replied, "Even when I had underwear on you could still see my pubic hair." The pants had hair on them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 477

You deserved it 3 288

I'm a mess

By Anonymous - 02/10/2020 23:01

Today, I went in to return a pack of socks. The cashier told me I couldn't return them. Then, I thought that she hadn't given the unreturnable socks back to me, even though she had, so I ended up getting all hormonal and angry over their return policy. When I got home, my mom got on my case too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 357

You deserved it 1 361

Inheritance issues

By Anonymous - 14/03/2023 18:00 - United States - Tatum

Today, my 16 year-old son has to sue his great uncle and step aunt for theft and extortion of his father's estate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 319

You deserved it 97

**** my shit up, please

By SteveO))) - 04/08/2024 20:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a new hair salon that has just opened down my street. I asked them for a trim and a little bit of layering, just to keep things smart and professional. I walked out looking like a cross between a pineapple and a mop. Of course, as is often the case after a bad haircut, I have a job interview in two hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 412

You deserved it 260

Breeder

By Anonymous - 27/02/2026 03:00

Today, hoping to earn some extra cash, I spent a fortune on a purebred pit bull so I could breed her. To my horror, the ad lied about her and she had already been spayed. When I tried to contact the seller to get my money back, they just replied, “Serves you right, backyard breeder” and blocked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 82

You deserved it 1 120

By Anonymous - 25/10/2011 01:29 - United States

Today, I proudly presented my research project in class that I've worked for day and night for 3 weeks straight. My teacher fell asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 524

You deserved it 3 552

Family matters

By Anonymous - 03/10/2020 16:56

Today, I was told by step-dad, who I live with, that my mom "hates my guts" while smiling so big, because he got a call from her. He's so desperate for her to come back that all the lying, cheating, manipulation, and emotional abuse doesn't push him away. She's a tornado. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 258

You deserved it 103

Designated driver

By Anonymous - 19/03/2023 12:00

Today, my wife got me a car for my birthday. It's a nice one but I soon realized it's a trap: I have to take her everywhere, or she tells me she can take it back anytime. So much for a gift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 949

You deserved it 190

Boys and their toys

By Deven - 07/08/2024 20:00 - United States - Ardmore

Today, I forgot my Lana Rhoades fleshlight in the bathroom sink without the lid on it because I was letting it dry. When my mother-in-law came over she saw it and just told me there was something in the sink. It’s so awkward now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 104

You deserved it 618

Mom moment

By Anonymous - 08/08/2024 22:00 - United States - Topanga

Today, I thought it would be funny to bust out some dance moves in the middle of the supermarket to embarrass my teenage daughter. As I was trying to the moonwalk, I slipped on a wet spot and crashed into a stack of cereal boxes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 99

You deserved it 759

Powerful left foot

By tom0441 - 22/10/2011 08:34 - Reserved

Today, I saw a father and son playing football in a car park as I was on my way to work. The ball rolled towards me, so feeling nice, I kicked it back to them. Turns out it went straight through their car window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 077

You deserved it 6 844

Come on, man

By Anonymous - 06/03/2026 00:00

Today, my parents said that we're never going to see our grandparents again because my grandpa hit my asshole little brother with a belt for calling him a boomer. I love my grandparents so much but my parents won't listen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 309

You deserved it 259

A Worldcon for Our Futures

By Semipro Writer - 11/08/2024 06:00 - United Kingdom

Today, it's been a week since I flew to Scotland to attend a writer's retreat and then go to WorldCon to see friends and try and sell the book I just finished. I tested positive for Covid the first day of the retreat, and every day since. I already missed the retreat. Now it looks like I'll be missing the con, too. Sigh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 465

You deserved it 114

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The Top

Today, swimming with a friend, we had the bright idea of throwing our swimsuits into the water, letting the current bring them back. Mine never came back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 252

You deserved it 794

Today, I asked one of my teachers to write me a letter of recommendation for my top school. Even though I did fairly well in their class, I found out that they don't think that I'm very intelligent, but my "strong, work ethic" makes up for it. They mentioned it in the letter and submitted it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 413

You deserved it 1 164

Today, I went in for an interview with a firm where I'd done some interning before. After shaking hands with both the directors, I went to shake hands with one of the director's wives, who also works there. Turns out she was going for a hug and kiss on the cheek. I ended up kissing her on the lips. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 918

You deserved it 682

Today, after days of torture, I finally found out where the annoying fire alarm with empty batteries was hidden. The previous house owners had it hidden behind the top board of a wall cabinet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 940

You deserved it 84

Today, I invited a friend over and showed him my collectible action figures. He also collects the ones I do. There was this one particular rare one I own, and he was quite fascinated by it. It mysteriously vanished after he went home. He claims to know nothing about it, and got pissed for accusing him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 157

You deserved it 143

Today, I'm in hospital. During date night, after sex was over, I reached for my whiskey. I was already so drunk, I accidentally picked up the lit candle which was in a glass roughly the same size as my whiskey glass, and poured melted wax in my mouth, up my nose, and in my eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 564

You deserved it 2 336