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**** those dudes

By Tia - 27/10/2021 17:00

Today, my Tinder date said it wasn’t gonna work, all because, I “need to lose some extra pounds.” Last week, I'd had another Tinder date and he told me he’d continue seeing me if I dropped at least 30 pounds. I think I get the hint now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 142

You deserved it 437

By StormSeason - 29/10/2012 12:03 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my dad watched the news and decided to start preparing for Hurricane Sandy by buying $300 worth of long-life and canned food. We live in Australia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 880

You deserved it 2 258

By Hot Pants - 01/12/2011 17:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I went into hospital and was being treated by a really cute doctor. Not knowing that I was going to end up here, I put on novelty underwear this morning. Well, at least he found the little green glow-in-the-dark skulls amusing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 443

You deserved it 5 819

By hrtbrkn - 16/07/2009 13:44 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a year broke up with me because "God told him to." What God didn't tell him was that I would check his e-mail and find all the e-mails to and from his new girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 346

You deserved it 6 221

By gui909 - 09/12/2008 07:01 - France

Today, I went to fill up my car. 500 metres before the petrol station, I saw a group of motorcyclists in my rear view mirror. I slowed down and pulled over to let them past. In fact, they were also going to fill up. 35 motorcyclists and 2 petrol pumps. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 824

You deserved it 7 326

Getting no pussy love

By Anonymous - 03/08/2020 05:02

Today, since getting the new kitten that only I wanted, it has scratched me and peed on my socks, my side of the bed and my laptop. It loves my husband though, who was against getting a cat at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 331

You deserved it 437

Love don't pay the rent

By Anonymous - 04/08/2020 23:04

Today, I begged my dad for money, for the first time ever, because even with two jobs I still can’t make rent. When asked why he sent way too little, he replied, "You always said you’d prefer to get love from me rather than money." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 345

You deserved it 407

By Anonymous - 26/10/2012 15:20 - United States

Today, my husband was planning on getting me my favorite movie as an anniversary present; I ended up buying it. He had to give me the money and leave because he is severely arachnophobic and couldn't even pick up the box. I have to hide the movie for fear of it being destroyed. Again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 596

You deserved it 4 283

Thanks, Dad!

By Sam - 28/11/2008 08:50 - France

Spicy

Today, my dad surprised me by moving my bed (involving disassembling and reassembling it) in my new room, because I couldn't find how I wanted to set it up. He also took care of putting back my vibrator between the mattress and the base, where it was hidden. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 604

You deserved it 11 329

I'm a burden

By Anonymous - 24/01/2023 14:30 - United States - Highland

Today, my boyfriend of almost five years told me, due to health issues, he can't move in with me or propose to me. He knows I support him, but if it was a serious health issue, wouldn't he want to be married, knowing I'm there? FML

I agree, your life sucks 751

You deserved it 194

By frozenpoo - 21/01/2015 02:05 - United States

Today, while trying to take a crap, I shut the bathroom door. A minute later, my 3 year old daughter knocked and said "Mommy, do you wanna build a snowman?" She kept singing the song until I was finally done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 681

You deserved it 5 026

By Anonymous - 14/07/2009 11:41 - United States

Today, I received an email with a link to a story about a man who lost 650 pounds. I ignored it, until I saw who sent it. My mom, with the message "Maybe there's hope for you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 796

You deserved it 8 859

By Yo Mr. White! ... BETCH! - 23/10/2012 22:47 - United States - Imperial Beach

Today, I realized I'm so desperate for money that I started to watch Breaking Bad to learn how to make meth. I stopped, not because I decided it was a bad idea, but because it looks too hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 117

You deserved it 29 556

By anonymous - 27/11/2011 00:12 - United States

Today, after spending hours putting up our tree and decorating it, it fell over and shattered the glass ornaments. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 598

You deserved it 4 649

By Sostupid - 24/01/2011 03:41 - Canada

Today, I had a panic attack because I was constipated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 523

You deserved it 8 805

With friends like these…

By petra84 - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Evans

Today, I let a friend borrow a power saw. When I found it on my porch later, the blade was missing and the cord was cut. Looking closer, I realized it was his saw. He kept my new one. He totally denies that he switched them and now won't answer his door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 911

You deserved it 2 362

Nice neighborhood you've got here

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, my neighbours kicked my football back over the fence. They'd slashed it and taped a note to the remains that said, "Do it again and it'll be your face." Now I'm scared to play football in my own backyard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 915

You deserved it 4 120

For science

By Anonymous - 28/01/2023 17:30

Today, two of my coworkers broke the dishwasher. They ran a fully cooked rotisserie chicken through it multiple times until the meat disintegrated off its bones, just to 'see what would happen'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 947

You deserved it 112

By wow - 11/07/2009 20:02 - United States

Today, I have to choose between one eyebrow or none because I'm a heavy sleeper and my brother is a moron. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 064

You deserved it 5 162

By AnAwesomePerson7 - 25/09/2013 22:30 - United States - Flushing

Today, the creepy kid on the bus saved me a seat again. Thinking he wanted to be friends, I followed him on twitter. He was doing a live video feed so I checked it out. It was of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 676

You deserved it 3 461

AnAwesomePerson7 tells us more.

AnAwesomePerson7 6

Friday 27 September 2013 22:00

Hey, it's OP. Okay, so first, Wow, I didn't think this would get posted. I told this story to my friend and she told me it would make a great FML. I wasn't so sure... Anyway, So in detail this is what happened because there are a few questions going around.. I got to the bus late, so there were no seats left. The creepy kid saw and said that I shouldn't worry because he saved a seat for me again. I sat down next to him, not wanting to be rude. He's really awkward and doesn't like to talk to people, so I thought maybe if I followed him on twitter he'd take it as a good thing, maybe.. I don't know. So I did. When I did, a notification popped up saying he was doing a live feed. Being curious, I checked it out to see what exactly he was filming on the bus. (I was so fixated on my phone, I didn't know he was filming me...) And so, yes, it was of me. I didn't do anything because the next stop was mine. I haven't seen him for a while though, since I'm a little scared to take the bus again. Haha,

By Anonymous - 20/10/2012 04:03 - United States - Ypsilanti

Spicy

Today, I bought professional hair clippers to shave down below, thinking it would be safer than using a razor. Let's just say the bathroom now looks like a murder scene, and it's going to be a while before I have sex again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 745

You deserved it 12 653

Asshat bus drivers, with their "rules"

By Anonymous - 12/01/2015 14:57 - Italy - Padova

Today, as I tried to get off the bus, my bag and the hand holding it got stuck between the exit doors. I dropped the bag in panic, but the driver wouldn't let me off until we got to the next stop. I had to walk all the way back to get my bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 606

You deserved it 3 148

By haileyjunkin - 22/11/2011 17:53

Today, I got hit in the face at a dodge-ball tournament. My entire mouth was bloody. The sad thing is, I wasn't even playing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 664

You deserved it 3 311

By unknown - 24/01/2010 15:27 - France

Today, my boyfriend told me he hasn't showered since our first date. We've been dating for three weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 279

You deserved it 4 824

By Anonymous - 17/10/2012 05:18 - France - Saint-renan

Today, at the age of 57, my dad got a unicorn tattooed on his shoulder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 393

You deserved it 80

By disciplinaryaction - 21/11/2011 07:02 - United States

Today, a woman and her daughter came into the store I work at. The girl placed a pair of underpants on the counter, and confessed she had stolen them earlier. Assuming she had already heard a lecture, I simply thanked her for bringing them back. Her mom yelled at me for not yelling at her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 791

You deserved it 3 360

Quick thinking

By Anonymous - 16/10/2012 00:04 - United States - Mount Jackson

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend and best friend making out. His explanation was that he was trying to stop her from having an allergic reaction to peanut butter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 486

You deserved it 2 019

By voltronn - 23/01/2010 05:04 - France

Today, I had to lie to my boyfriend about having plans on tonight so he'd think I had a life outside of him. All my "friends" are going to a party. I'm not invited. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 063

You deserved it 6 996

MVP

By Darren - 30/08/2020 20:01 - Australia - Greenacre

Today, during my second shift back at work after missing four weeks for knee surgery, I stabbed myself in the hand and now need three weeks off for that surgery. Just as I'm up for a promotion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 548

You deserved it 374

Stable genius

By Anonymous - 29/06/2024 14:00 - United States

Today, my mom casually told me, "Remember that time we went to build a swing set when you were four? Actually, I was going to hang myself and take you with me so that you didn't suffer in this life. If it wasn't for your Grandma, we wouldn't be here now. And when I took you to the lake… Oh, silly me!" Cool, mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 739

You deserved it 83

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The Top

The Top

Today, my wife and I were watching a football game. While someone was about to score, she started screaming, "Go!" and "Come on! You can do it! Go baby, go!" My first thought was that I wished I could still make her scream like that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 002

You deserved it 12 717

Today, really desperate to get a job, I filled out an application for a dishwashing job. My application got tossed out, because I'm not an economics major like the other guy applying for the same job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 951

You deserved it 2 628

Today, I ran into my sister, who nobody in the family has seen in six years. She looked very happy working the pole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 973

You deserved it 4 052

Today, ever since my boyfriend has seen A Clockwork Orange, he always suggests that we have sex by asking, "How about a little of the good old in-out-in-out?" and refers to his genitals as, "Yarbles". He seriously doesn't understand why this turns me off every time and our sex life has sunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 282

You deserved it 769

Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted to try anal, praise the lord hallelujah. As we were getting into position, she let out a rancid fart she'd been saving for my face. Apparently it was revenge for me seeing Mamma Mia 2 without her while she was at work yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 437

You deserved it 4 099

Today, I decided to try a 7-minute exercise video to start working out and get in shape. I couldn’t make it though the video. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 895

You deserved it 489