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By racchhh - 26/07/2009 15:25 - United States

Today, I sent a forward to everyone in my phonebook saying, "HOUSE PARTY-NO PARENTS, LOTS OF ALCOHOL, MAYBE A CHANCE TO HOOK UP." I then got a reply from my mom saying, "I'm probably the only one that would show up." Even my mom thinks I'm a loser, and I'm now grounded for 3 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 873

You deserved it 88 548

God don't pay my bills

By Anonymous - 10/01/2023 00:00

Today, I told my fiancé that I don’t believe in God, so I won’t be going to church anymore because I’ll be picking up the Sunday shift at work. I don’t have a fiancé anymore because I’m, “a godless heathen who will burn for eternity.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 456

You deserved it 571

Jog on

By Anonymous - 06/10/2021 10:59

Spicy

Today, my husband told me that the only reason he took up jogging 4 years ago was because my mother moved in next door to us and he knew it would kill my sex drive. We haven’t had sex in 4 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 056

You deserved it 780

By Anonymous - 12/02/2015 20:14 - Canada - Ajax

Today, I discovered that my male coworker, who coincidentally shares my last name, has been telling everyone we're married. I'm 26; he's 58. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 104

You deserved it 2 381

By other woman - 21/10/2013 16:42 - United States - Riverside

Today, I found out that when my boyfriend jokingly talks about his other girlfriend, he isn't actually joking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 590

You deserved it 5 377

By myself - 09/02/2015 13:32 - United States

Spicy

Today, it's been about a week since my boyfriend started his new medication, which has essentially killed any sex drive he had. It has also been about two weeks since I stopped mine, making me hornier than ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 498

You deserved it 4 555

Wait til she hears about the white supremacy behind it!

By published_anthropologist - 23/07/2009 06:13 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of eight years explained to me that the Egyptian pyramids were built by aliens from Mars. I have a B.S. in Biology and an M.S. in Anthropology, and I'm working on my Ph.D. She thinks I'm an irrational idiot for telling her she's wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 131

You deserved it 10 187

By Lou Czar - 07/01/2009 23:56 - United States

Spicy

Today, I signed up on one of those "cheater" dating sites. I ended up meeting my own girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 795

You deserved it 81 494

By anonymous - 06/02/2015 05:16 - Australia - Mitcham

Today, my boss brought his cat to the office. Despite our no pet policy, I still managed to get the blame when the crazy animal scratched 3 colleagues and peed on the floor after my boss left for bathroom. Apparently I was supposed to be "looking after it". FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 744

You deserved it 2 360

This Alpha male shit has gone toor far

By HBC - 10/12/2011 07:23 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend insisted that the dog stay in our bedroom while we had sex. He said it would prove his dominance, and "show the dog who's boss." My boyfriend needs to prove his self-worth to an animal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 580

You deserved it 5 162

By Youdontneed2knowmyname - 05/02/2011 05:29 - United States

Today, I was so bored I began practicing an irish jig. For two hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 896

You deserved it 26 675

Three's company

By emkatch - 21/07/2009 19:47 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I came home about two hours early from a friend's party. After I walked in and upstairs, I quickly and quietly left and went back to the party. I guess my parents decided to have a little party as well. It's called a threesome with my neighbor. They still don't know that I know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 899

You deserved it 4 377

Overconfident

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend of five days proposed to me at the mall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 250

You deserved it 4 928

By loser doctor - 02/01/2009 11:14 - Philippines

Today, I found out the girl I was in love with has a new boyfriend. I blame myself because I believed her when she said she "wasn't ready" for a relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 104

You deserved it 4 416

By city_girl - 04/02/2010 06:34 - United States

Today, I got rear-ended. In possibly the scariest part of downtown. At night. By a man who spoke hardly any English but managed to ask if I would go out dancing with him instead of calling my insurance company. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 071

You deserved it 2 557

By TheOtherWoman - 20/07/2009 07:10 - United States

Today, the guy I've been sleeping with for the last three weeks got really drunk. I drove him home from the party and took care of him. At 2am he asked for the phone. When I asked what for, he said he wanted to drunk dial his girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 071

You deserved it 12 811

By sneezer - 30/12/2008 04:54 - France

Today, while kissing my girlfriend's neck, I sneezed a blob of snot onto her. She told me that "it doesn't matter", while hiccuping a bit of vomit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 189

You deserved it 7 046

My eyes! My eyes!

By Audrey - 21/07/2020 14:01

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my mom masturbating. I want to run away. I feel violated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 748

You deserved it 686

Chud's Diner

By Frany - 10/01/2023 22:00

Today, my now-ex boyfriend treated our waitress like shit. She was a young lady who just came from Venezuela and barely spoke English. He gave her no tip, ranted about “fixing this goddamn border problem” along with xenophobic slurs. Apparently, he’d forgotten I’m an immigrant too, from Colombia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 394

You deserved it 171

By Lunab123 - 01/02/2015 02:43 - United States - Potomac

Today, I had food poisoning and woke up early in the morning to vomit. My mom emailed all of my teachers saying that I would be late to school because of "morning sickness". Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 921

You deserved it 2 566

By carla6991 - 09/10/2013 20:16 - United States - Dade City

Today, my boyfriend blew me off yet again because he claims he has a responsibility as a "crew leader" to train and recruit members at all times, to accommodate all time zones. GTA V is ruining our relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 270

You deserved it 7 939

carla6991 tells us more.

carla6991 13

Thursday 10 October 2013 2:09

I actually do play with him and am commissioner of the crew and am a bit of a gamer myself. However, I require a bit more than 2 hours of sleep and don't feel like playing during every bit of spare time I have. We had a talk about it last night though and he agreed to cut down when I'm home from work so we'll see!

By PieterseMJ - 02/11/2012 12:17 - South Africa - Sandton

Today, my company had a Halloween party. I was so excited seeing as our company never does anything, so I pulled out all the stops with my costume. I was the only one who got dressed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 214

You deserved it 3 786

By imsadnow - 31/01/2011 20:01 - United States

Today, I was having a bad day at work. Then, on my coffee break, a little boy walked up to me and told me I was the prettiest girl he'd ever seen. I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 167

You deserved it 7 302

Who goes there?

By dontbadouche - 01/02/2010 13:45 - Senegal

Today, I heard the sound of footsteps in the basement. Thinking it was burglars I grabbed a baseball bat and hurried down the stairs. I then tripped on the stairs, fell down them and smacked my head on the bat. The sound of footsteps I heard? It was my cat playing in some cardboard boxes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 767

You deserved it 7 285

By heresmybellybotton - 18/07/2009 00:12 - United States

Today, I was babysitting a little girl down the street. She pulled out her 'memory box', which contained many childhood treasures. After pulling out a variety of dresses and baby pictures, she says, "... and here's my belly button!" and plops an umbilical chord in my hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 928

You deserved it 3 686

Cancel culture strikes again

By Disneydont - 27/10/2021 20:00 - United States - New York

Today, I was supposed to leave for Disney. Our trip was cancelled last year because of the pandemic. This morning, we found out my sister’s boyfriend, who was a last-minute add-on to the trip, has COVID. Cancelled again. Maybe next year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 132

You deserved it 164

Fertiliser

By Anonymous - 04/06/2024 22:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my wife found out when I’m super busy with work and can’t be bothered to walk upstairs for a pee, I just pee into a bottle and empty it out the window onto the grass. I get it’s sorta gross but the way she was yelling you’d have think I took a shit on the drive in full view of the neighbours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 94

You deserved it 1 444

By Makala - 03/12/2011 08:15 - Egypt

Today, in geometry class, we were working in dead silence. Apparently my phone wasn't on vibrate, and I received 25 texts all at once, while it blasted "Hakuna Matataaaa" out of my back pocket. They weren't even texts from friends, just Facebook notifications. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 194

You deserved it 36 033

By msj137 - 17/07/2009 07:25 - United States

Today, I had a softball tournament which also landed on my birthday. My dad had to leave town for work, so he left me a card on my night stand. Instead of a happy birthday, all it said was 'Don't mess up the game for everyone'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 174

You deserved it 2 854

Sounds delightful

By Anonymous - 23/01/2023 23:30 - Australia

Today, a client came in to pay for her storage unit, and like every other time she comes in, she lifted up her shirt and practically showed me her boobs. This lady is in her 70s and is morbidly obese. Oh, and she also told me that the Nazis had the right idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 982

You deserved it 120

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Today, I was looking at dating profiles with my single friend, trying to find a guy for her, and we found my husband's profile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 400

You deserved it 1 853

Today, my daughter's obsession with Canada got out way of hand when she was suspended for climbing up the flagpole, in an attempt to replace the flag with a red-and-white maple leaf one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 913

You deserved it 6 681

Today, my boyfriend told me he couldn't spend the day with me as he had his grandmother's funeral. Lonely, I went shopping and I bumped into his mum having lunch with his 'dead' grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 599

You deserved it 2 950

Today, I learned that you can be so sleep deprived that you sleep through your alarm, a construction crew outside your house, and your bladder completely voiding itself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 134

You deserved it 2 791

Today, me and my girlfriend were watching some show about sex on the discovery channel. The topic of female orgasms came up and she said, "Wow, I wonder what that's like?" We've been dating and sexually active for three years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 255

You deserved it 19 197

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Why? Her six year-old likes me more than her. I hate kids. I stayed with her in spite of her son, because I love her. For some reason she thought I was going to leave her and take her kid with me, so she broke up with me first. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 157

You deserved it 303