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A nickname that sticks

By Anonymous - 24/03/2009 16:18 - United States

Today, I was at my friend's house celebrating his 16th birthday. I couldn't find my phone so I asked my friend's girlfriend if I could borrow her phone to see if I could hear mine ringing. I dialed my number, only to find she had my number saved in her phone as "ASS FACE #3". FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 894

You deserved it 10 538

By Goth_Hawk - 13/01/2015 08:23 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found myself wondering if my sister's jaw makes the same clicking sound when she's giving head as it does when she's eating food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 181

You deserved it 8 924

Goth_Hawk tells us more.

Goth_Hawk 28

Tuesday 13 January 2015 18:18

I'm OP, she does have a jaw issue, and the doctors have said they would have to break her jaw to fix it. I thought about it because it was 3am and the thought of her chewing came to mind as I was reading some of the dirtier submissions on FML. It was so jarring that I had to post it.

By smeeagain - 21/10/2011 01:17 - United States

Today, I was chaperoning at my local high school's Homecoming dance. Outside the gym, I saw some kids drinking, so I walked over to stop them. One of them promptly spun around and punched me in the mouth. I had my ass handed to by a drunk 9th grader. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 532

You deserved it 6 387

Genius move

By Soopa-Genius - 22/09/2011 12:06 - Canada

Today, the new office IT guy figured the best way to get the virus off my computer was to wipe my entire hard drive. He was kind enough to back my data up and restore everything from the backups. Including the virus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 533

You deserved it 2 696

Good catch

By Rachel - 23/10/2014 04:04 - United States - Waynesburg

Today, I was passing notes in class with my crush. I started to pour my heart out and tell him about how I've liked him for years. I was caught by the teacher. He looked at it, laughed, and tore it up. He then looked at me and said, "I just saved you from years of embarrassment. You're welcome." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 010

You deserved it 11 775

By mac_miller55 - 31/07/2012 16:47 - United States - Lansdowne

Today, I was swimming with my friends at the local pool. My friend pushed me under, and as I came up for air, my hand stroked a hairy leg. It turns out I had caressed the leg of an old man who had been swimming laps. He spent the next half hour creepily smiling at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 652

You deserved it 2 252

mac_miller55 tells us more.

mac_miller55 2

Wednesday 1 August 2012 4:47

I posted this and I am a girl

By the_lonely_life - 27/06/2013 01:02 - United States

Today, I cleaned up my brother's room, since he's moved out. Under the bed I found a Doritos bag full of used condoms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 215

You deserved it 7 056

By SprinklerDodger - 08/06/2012 23:54 - Denmark - Odense

Today, I was woken up by a noise coming from the bathroom. Upon investigation, I discovered my very drunk, giggling girlfriend attempting to urinate standing up. Carefully note the word "attempting". FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 735

You deserved it 2 430

By corasmom - 27/07/2011 18:09 - United States

Today, I learned that my daughter's gerbils are not afraid of the vacuum cleaner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 887

You deserved it 10 553

This has gone too far

By concernedson - 12/09/2010 11:34 - Australia

Today, while my mom was out, my family agreed upon the assumption that she has a "shopping problem." I argued against it for quite a while, until she pulled up minutes later with a what seemed like a life-time supply of canned condensed milk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 599

You deserved it 4 952

By YAABOIII - 05/04/2009 22:04 - United States

Today, the 7 year old boy I was babysitting studied my upper lip and said "It's okay, my daddy won't let me shave yet either." I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 232

You deserved it 8 815

Spotted

By Username - 07/03/2010 17:41 - France

Today, the guy that I have been seeing for over a year left on a business trip. While straightening out his room as a favor, I noticed he took his condoms with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 990

You deserved it 3 546

By Kasey Eames - 23/12/2012 06:19 - United States - Oceanside

Today, I told my husband to tell me his wildest fantasy. He told me it was to put on fake antlers and "do it like deer". FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 934

You deserved it 8 407

Ouchie

By Anonymous - 17/12/2014 20:09 - United States

Today, I felt a horrible pain while having sex with my wife, and I had to stop. I thought it was a hernia or something, but she called me a liar and accused me of everything from not finding her attractive, to me cheating on her. It turned out I had appendicitis. She still won't apologize. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 719

You deserved it 3 062

By ryanharp2 - 27/07/2012 05:05 - United States - Conway

Today, my iPhone got back from being fixed. When I opened the box there was a note attached to my phone that said, "All you had to do was turn it on." FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 721

You deserved it 43 021

Brain worms

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Ridgefield

Today, I went out to get groceries and ice-cream. When I got home, I couldn't find my house keys. I retraced my steps, but with no luck. I returned home and had to break in. While unpacking, I found my keys in the bag, right next to the completely melted ice cream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 851

You deserved it 10 020

Spooked

By screamo - 02/05/2009 20:44 - United Kingdom

Today, my alarm went off at 6:30am. I woke up disorientated, as usual. I looked up and saw a dark, mysterious figure entering my room. Still half asleep, I screamed and dived under my covers. The dark, mysterious figure was my mom. I'm a 21 year-old guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 870

You deserved it 46 811

Daddy's in the shit again

By habbsrule - 15/06/2012 14:21 - Canada

Today, I was joking around with my eight-year-old son. I told him to pull my finger. I farted, then laughed. He decided to try it on his mother. When she pulled his finger, he crapped his pants. He told her I taught him how to do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 518

You deserved it 30 154

Scammed

By Username - 04/08/2011 09:15 - United States

Today, my twit of a husband admitted to falling for an internet scam involving a dead foreign politician, the promise of a share in millions of dollars currently stuck in a bank, and him having wired a large amount of our money to "bribe an official". FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 824

You deserved it 4 929

By bdutton - 24/04/2009 20:10 - United States

Today, I got pulled over while dancing to crazy techno beats in the car. The officer RAN out of his car and up to mine and pounded on my window. He thought I was having a seizure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 377

You deserved it 23 240

bdutton tells us more.

bdutton 0

Saturday 25 April 2009 6:21

as the OP, I would like to say that it was to the original mix of Benny Benassi's Satisfaction

By scaryhairy - 04/11/2009 01:44 - United States

Today, I accidentally cut myself with a razor blade on my toe. Not only does it sting really badly, but it reinforces the fact that I have abnormally hairy toes that need to be shaved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 013

You deserved it 5 190

Genius

By ohno - 13/07/2011 04:43 - United States

Today, I was invited over to a dinner with the CEOs of my company, along with my two children. My 3 year-old asked loudly why we have two "nose holes", to which my 4 year-old son replied, "So you can pick your nose and still breathe!" He then demonstrated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 481

You deserved it 7 103

Go away

By xharuki - 29/08/2010 20:37 - United States

Today, I was closing at work when someone came in ten minutes before our closing time at 2 a.m. and placed a huge order. I couldn't turn him away because he's my manager from my other job. He was drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 707

You deserved it 3 532

By CoolStoryBro - 29/03/2013 08:23

Today, while I was at work, I was on the verge of tears. My coworker asked what was wrong and I explained that I recently had to put my dog down. He then replied, "Cool story, bro. Tell it again." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 860

You deserved it 3 600

Sex ed

By Anonymous - 23/03/2013 00:34 - United States

Today, my psycho abstinence-only sex ed teacher claimed condoms give 50% protection at most against pregnancy. I couldn't help but correct her. She apologized for her "mistake", saying, "It's just that we're not ALL sluts, Kara." Now everyone thinks I'm a raging whore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 446

You deserved it 6 888

By blackedout - 06/10/2009 05:25 - Singapore

Today, I fainted on the sidewalk. When I woke up, I was still lying on the sidewalk, people were stepping over me and my purse was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 301

You deserved it 3 809

By nomorebeard - 25/03/2009 14:13 - United States

Today, I was shaving off my beard for the first time in a very long time. I decided to have a little fun with it, and shaved my beard first into a goatee, then a handle-bar, then, finally, into a Hitler mustache. My electric razor dies. I don't have a normal one or an extra battery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 204

You deserved it 87 565

By CapeRanger - 04/10/2009 18:13 - South Africa

Today, I drove my cousin to her wedding. The photographer said I was too ugly for the official photos so they searched the crowd for a good looking guy to pose as the driver in my new car. No one in the crowd stopped to defend me. My mom told me it's my own fault. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 932

You deserved it 4 774

Great idea!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my husband sat me down on the couch so he could share some "awesome" news with me. He excitedly declared that he and his idiot drinking buddies are planning on running a real-life Fight Club out of our basement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 284

You deserved it 3 320

By alphabetman - 14/09/2009 09:56 - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. Thinking I was being cute I spelled out "Marry Me" in alphabet soup, because that's her favorite. She took one look at it and started to laugh. She then began to spell out "no". She still ate the soup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 968

You deserved it 6 805

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The Top

Today, at my new job, a coworker offered to help me mop the floors since she wasn't busy. I ended up getting written up by my boss for supposedly being too lazy and making other people finish my work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 381

You deserved it 974

Today, I realized I have more dogs than I do friends. I have two dogs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 614

You deserved it 6 748

Today, I met my boyfriend's whole family. Between them they had about 10 teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 250

You deserved it 5 183

Today, while talking about my plans for college, I was interrupted so my family could discuss my brother's zit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 492

You deserved it 3 161

Today, I got better sleep in my 30-year-old compact car with it being 40 degrees outside than I did in my bed. Got something to look forward to, as I'll be homeless soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 461

You deserved it 347

Today, I made the coolest platonic friend who I really liked. She liked me too, until I accidentally found her setting up an OnlyFans and, in a fit of feeling very weird about it, confronted her. Now she won't talk to me at all and has blocked me on every single online platform you could imagine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 321

You deserved it 2 643