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Just a prank, dad

By Anonymous - 11/09/2020 17:01

Today, my son got drunk and managed to colour in my bald patch with permanent marker while I was asleep. It’s super noticeable and I look like a complete prat. Plus in a few hours, I’m supposed to be on my first date since my divorce 12 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 651

You deserved it 177

Up to date

By miji - This FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Today, for the fifth time in a row, my parents tried to discuss my pooping habits with me at the dinner table. This time, we had guests. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 492

You deserved it 296

By The Sbeak - 13/02/2009 15:54 - United States

Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner. When he began to type 'virginia' into google, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for 'virgin boy assholes'. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I'm a young guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 558 041

You deserved it 45 652

By Phil - 30/11/2018 14:00 - United States - Plain City

Today, I was driving slightly off road for work to clean a well. I didn't want to get my boots muddy by walking the last 20 ft through mud, so I tried to drive through. I spent the next four hours on hands and knees digging my way out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 069

You deserved it 3 154

List of sins

By Anonymous - 28/01/2022 04:58

Today, I found out the girl I’ve been seeing, and having lots of kinky sex with, I’m talking "confess to a priest or take to your grave" kind of kinky, is actually my cousin who moved abroad when she was two years-old, and only just recently moved back here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 540

You deserved it 406

From the heart

By Anonymous - 18/01/2022 22:59

Today, after agreeing to marry my boyfriend, he started spouting crap about converting to his religion, and how I’d need to take lessons from his mother on how to be a proper wife to him at all times, like, EXCUSE ME, WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE TALKING TO? DUMPED. See ya later, douchebag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 695

You deserved it 457

By doilookold - 07/12/2018 05:00

Today, stopping at a rest plaza, the cashier at Wendy’s asked my best friend if I was her mom. We are only two years apart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 595

You deserved it 235

Low blow

By Well thenn - 15/04/2023 12:00 - United States - Bridgeton

Today, I told my sister that it wasn't classy to eat an entire box of cookies by herself. She responding by telling me it's not classy to not know who my son's father is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 169

You deserved it 2 336

Well duh…

By Anonymous - 13/01/2019 00:00

Today, I was fired from my babysitting job because the baby’s first word was my name. Well, I’m sorry, but if you ask me to look after your child 14 hours a day, 6 days a week, and by the time you pick them up they’re already asleep, of course they’re going to know my name better than yours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 201

You deserved it 192

By Jester94752 - 15/03/2019 16:00

Today, a co-worker, who lives 30 minutes out of my way, had broken down so I picked him up. We were both 5 minutes late and both got fired. Our department takes 30-60 minutes to even start running. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 401

You deserved it 198

By Just..why - 25/03/2019 14:00

Today, I ran a mile for my gym class. While I managed to cut two minutes off my time, a few minutes later I felt dizzy and nauseous, which I thought was because I pushed myself too hard. I collapsed and vomited in front of everyone. Not a single person moved to help me. Not even the teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 453

You deserved it 222

Lies and love don't mix

By Gregoree - 16/04/2022 00:01

Today, I borrowed my mom’s BMW to impress my new girlfriend. I'd told her that I owned an accounting firm, so I had to look the part. Today was also the day someone decided to rear-end us. That someone happened to be my boss at Burger King. Let’s just say, the cat’s out of the bag and I’m single now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 186

You deserved it 3 083

Charity

By DreDre - 12/12/2019 03:00

Today, I found out that the dude I love has been taking the money I used to support him and buying heroin with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 052

You deserved it 737

Sherri Wanabee

By Jose - 08/07/2023 03:00

Today, my daughter and her best friend made an elaborate plan that she was kidnapped, causing me to cough up $7000 in ransom money, which I later found out was a hoax. All this because she’s still upset I left her terminally ill mother for my current girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 208

You deserved it 3 131

Thanks, I hate it!

By Anja - 03/02/2021 03:30

Today, I was having a horrible day and messaged a friend to vent. She replied with, "Eat a cookie" and proceeded to send me a picture with a "motivational" quote from her buddhistic spiritual leader. FML

I agree, your life sucks 707

You deserved it 262

By Anonymous - 10/06/2019 06:19 - United Kingdom - Oldbury

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I was too tired for sex, which she interpreted as me confessing to not wanting to have sex with her because I’m having sex with other women. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 490

You deserved it 303

By emily - 23/06/2019 06:45

Today, I learned in my child development class that lying in toddlers is a sign of intelligence. I clearly remember that I didn’t even understand the concept of lying until I was 6 years-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 322

You deserved it 234

Run, run now

By marie - 10/03/2021 16:59

Today, I discovered my husband of 3 years is cheating on me with another woman. Nice to know he has absolutely zero feelings for me at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 333

You deserved it 182

By Anonymous - 20/07/2019 22:06

Today, I had someone place two separate to-go orders, so that he could use two of his "25% off" coupons. He couldn't understand why it wasn't 50% off his total bill, no matter how many times I plainly explained it to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 928

You deserved it 133

By Anonymous - 13/09/2017 01:30

Today, I ordered a surveillance camera for my home. The package got stolen after being delivered. I think they're onto me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 900

You deserved it 267

Wokescolds arise!

By Anonymous - 14/04/2021 19:59

Today, my ex-boyfriend who is now transitioning to female, called me transphobic for dumping them, and now most of my 'friends' hate me and I've garnered an awful reputation because of it. I guess they 'forgot' I broke up with them because they cheated on me, and also forgot the fact that I myself am trans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 650

You deserved it 1 726

By RectalSteve - 10/09/2017 21:00 - United Kingdom - Belfast

Today, I showed my girlfriend some old home videos of me as a kid. My dad must have taped over one though, because halfway through it cut to extremely graphic footage of his colonoscopy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 589

You deserved it 289

Hummmmmmmmm

By SleeplessInDenver - 02/09/2019 06:00 - United States - Denver

Today, I moved into my brand new apartment, only to discover that there is an annoying, constant hum coming from the ceiling above my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 601

You deserved it 149

Shoelace dyslexia

By Ham-fisted - 09/07/2022 04:00 - United States - Steele

Today, I had to explain to yet another person that I can't tie a knot. Even if someone walks me through the entire process, I never get it. The person in question berated me for not being able to perform such a "simple" task. I truly don't know what I'm doing wrong, and it makes me feel like an idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 788

You deserved it 367

Keep your secrets, do your own laundry

By Anonymous - 25/09/2019 22:00 - United Kingdom - Chester

Today, I found out that before my grandma washes my clothes, she smells my underwear to "make sure they're dirty." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 580

You deserved it 274

Acceptance

By Anonymous - 26/11/2023 05:00

Today, I went to my son's parent teacher conference. Imagine my shock when I found out his second grade teacher is the girl I chastised at Walmart yesterday for being covered in trashy tattoos. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81

You deserved it 1 968

Inappropriate

By Abandonedandbroke - 09/06/2021 03:59

Today, my husband quit his teaching job, the job putting bread and butter on the table for our family. The reason? He wants to date one of his students he’s been seeing on the side, and wants to make the relationship "official and ethical." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 668

You deserved it 135

Parenting gone feral

By hungry - 22/10/2019 04:00 - Canada - Halifax

Today, as I searched for food to take to work for lunch, I noticed that the only recent addition to our fridge is chocolate milk and popsicles. My mom went grocery shopping yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 464

You deserved it 305

Extreme shot reaction

By Exhausted - 14/06/2021 02:01 - India - Chennai

Today, a day after my mom and I got the vaccine, we've been doing everything around the house with one hand each through the pain. My dad hasn't helped out at all despite my requests, and sees nothing wrong with this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 858

You deserved it 327

Scammers gonna scam

By Anonymous - 16/06/2021 21:59

Today, after feeling lost and sad for a long time, in a last attempt to get some answers, I'd saved up and flew to see a very famous clairvoyant. For the whole session, all she talked about was how great and successful my brother is going to be. $250 down the drain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 354

You deserved it 1 740

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The Top

Today, it was snowing but I had to let my dog out, so I picked him up and carried him outside. I slipped, landed on him and ended up breaking his leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 507

You deserved it 7 122

Today, I woke up with an engagement ring on my left hand. The same one I refused last month. My boyfriend apparently waited for me to be drunk to propose again last night, and has already posted the pics on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 572

You deserved it 16 031

Today, my mom and I heard a thump from inside the coat closet. I opened the door, and something fell on me. My mom, who was behind me, screamed, closed the laundry room door, and ran into the garage, leaving me to face the alleged attacker. It was the vacuum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 308

You deserved it 2 870

Today, I was in the bathroom defecating when I felt something hanging there. I reached back with toilet paper and starting pulling it out inch by inch; 3 feet later I learned I had a tapeworm. Worst of all, no pharmacy has the med the doctor prescribed. I have to live with this thing until the med gets here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 073

You deserved it 4 117

Today, during the birth of my first child, my epidural didn't work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 211

You deserved it 483

Today, my parents found my box of condoms. I'm 20, so it's no big deal, and they commended my responsibility. What they don't know is I don't talk to any girls, and I bought those condoms to jerk off into. FML

I agree, your life sucks 204

You deserved it 437