The Top

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Badass

By Anonymous - 14/10/2024 09:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I taught my daughter to tell a teacher if she was being bullied. My husband however taught her teachers are useless, and if you punch bullies in the balls really hard, they will bend forwards which puts them in a good position for an uppercut that will knock out teeth. The school is furious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 455

You deserved it 208

Sounds reasonable

By Stoodup - 26/03/2019 12:00

Today, I spent an hour getting ready for my first date of the year, only to wait 30 minutes in the cold and then walking back home by myself. Why didn’t he show up? On his way to our date, he got invited to a threesome and decided to do that instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 591

You deserved it 262

Jealous guy

By Are u Happy Now - 01/06/2023 22:00

Today, my boyfriend got me and a male colleague written up. He thinks I’m having a affair because I made a cake and bought a present for his birthday. He made up a story and told my boss that we’re fucking. My colleague ended up getting transferred to another unit. Hope you’re happy now, babe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 133

You deserved it 404

Bridezilla strikes again

By Anonymous - 03/03/2022 00:01

Today, as a wedding photographer, I had to explain to the worst bridezilla I’ve ever worked for, that on the day of her wedding she had scared my assistant so much that she forgot to put a new memory card in the camera, so no photos of the wedding had actually been taken. I’m now missing a tooth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 837

You deserved it 577

By Dumped - 06/04/2017 14:00

Today, at work, I went to place a small item on a shelf. The shelf fell on me, trapping my hand. While lifting it, the top shelf fell against my chest and the products all dumped on my face. I then realized the shelves were only held up by zip ties. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 875

You deserved it 374

By NotYourCopyEditor - 06/05/2019 22:00

Today, at work, I had to explain to a 50-year-old engineer that Comic Sans is not an acceptable font for a government contractor to use in a structural report. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 903

You deserved it 190

By shanson - 07/11/2016 14:06 - United States - San Antonio

Today, my mother lectured me for not spending enough time with her. We literally just got back from a 10 day vacation together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 783

You deserved it 835

By Anonymous - 13/07/2019 14:30

Today, for the third time this month, my family ridiculed me for being picky for ordering a burger without lettuce. They know I'm allergic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 797

You deserved it 198

Sorry for what?

By Anonymous - 13/03/2021 21:30

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years said he wanted an open relationship. When I asked if it was because I wasn’t good enough to fulfill his needs, he got mad at me and now expects an apology. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 353

You deserved it 177

Not ready for this

By Anonymous - 05/06/2022 18:00 - United States

Today, I learned, 9 years after the death of my last intimate partner who'd moved away, that I have a 10 year-old child, and after the kid's grandpa died I was listed as a relative. Now I have a 10 year-old on my shoulders. DNA confirmed it was mine, and I never was told. Getting drunk before I take the kid in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 161

You deserved it 436

Kinky

By Keesha - 19/03/2021 00:30 - United States - Loveland

Today, my mother bitched at me for spending $200 on a new clothes I needed for my new job as a bank teller. I then received a notification on my phone that my mother's lingerie order was shipped. She spent $800 on teddies and crotchless panties. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 195

You deserved it 92

By Anonymous - 23/07/2019 20:00

Today, at work, we ran out of receipt paper. Someone paid for $3 in gas and asked for a receipt. I explained that the company we order our paper from sent us toilet paper, not receipt paper. He got mad and said that he was never coming back. Twenty minutes later, he was back to get $3 more in gas, wanting a receipt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 830

You deserved it 142

Twist in my sobriety

By Anonymous - 11/06/2022 02:00 - United States

Today, my group of friends officially cut ties with me. According to them, my girlfriend "has me whipped" and made me "boring", all because she helped me break free from my alcoholism and finally get sober (two years and eight months running). They told me to call them when I'm "ready to be fun again". FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 941

You deserved it 195

By floppy - 09/08/2019 06:00 - Australia

Today, my house caught fire and almost burned down. My neighbour, who has always hated me, came up, patted me on the back, and said, "That sucks for you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 767

You deserved it 126

Deep Sigh? More like Deep Throat

By Deep Sigh - 14/08/2017 23:15

Today, I wanted to get my mind off my ex, so like any other guy I decided to watch some porn and jack it. I see one video with a familiar looking room so I click on it. Guess who I saw getting it from some dude? So much for forgetting about my ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 497

You deserved it 619

Hard no

By Eduardo - 18/04/2021 20:00

Today, my 30-year old cousin, who is unemployed, parasitic and never completed high-school, whose girlfriend is a crack addict, wants to move into my place. He was evicted from an apartment building two weeks ago for assaulting some neighbors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 186

You deserved it 94

Red flag

By safety first - 08/10/2023 22:00

Today, my boyfriend told me that having my own condoms is unattractive, emasculating, and a turn off. According to him it's the man’s responsibility to provide the protection, and the fact that I have my own means I must have been very promiscuous if I needed to have them on hand. I’m allergic to the pill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 792

You deserved it 191

Snitching quandary

By Anonymous - 18/10/2023 10:00

Today, I caught my best and only friend snooping in my sister's underwear drawer. I don’t know if I should tell on him, or pretend it didn’t happen. What do I do? FML

I agree, your life sucks 728

You deserved it 151

Superficial

By skinnybitch - 08/09/2019 14:00

Today, my Tinder date took one look at me and left, because, "the camera" made me "look thick" and he, "can’t date a skinny bitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 793

You deserved it 232

Sex Ed has failed a lot of people

By Anonymous - 20/10/2019 02:00

Today, a senior girl in my college-level biology course asked our professor what periods are like when you’re pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 634

You deserved it 196

What was the point?

By Anonymous - 29/10/2019 02:00

Today, four years after my husband passed away, my mother in law thought it was the right time to tell me my husband was cheating on me, and that they had met her and everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 901

You deserved it 116

My stupidity

By Anonymous - 13/11/2019 20:00

Today, I got my period and went clubbing. I had to change my tampon and stupidly I only brought one. When I unwrapped it, it fell on the floor. I had to wait in the womens' bathroom for 45 minutes for a random girl to give me a spare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 864

You deserved it 823

Eternally romantic

By singledumbfuck - 22/03/2020 03:30

Today, my boyfriend proposed via text, after telling me that he'd slept with his step-sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 557

You deserved it 194

Tonight, on Asshole Bosses…

By ThanksAsshole - 28/03/2020 20:00

Today, I got fired from a business I ran for almost 6 years. Why? The new owner refuses to close, despite our governor ordering non-essential businesses to close, and for people to stay home. I told her I wasn’t comfortable working, and that it was technically illegal. So she fired me in a group chat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 304

You deserved it 211

Where is my mind?

By Anonymous - 24/07/2021 00:01

Today, after 10 beers and a 1/3 of a bottle of Jack, I felt an undeniable urge to go rabbit hunting with lawn darts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 229

You deserved it 1 213

KoBabe

By shit streak - 21/04/2020 20:00

Today, my husband was changing our son’s overflowing diaper. Instead of getting up and walking the putrid mess to the bin, he decided to shoot it basketball-style. He missed and it hit the wall, sliding down leaving a huge sloppy streak. He expected me to clean it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 388

You deserved it 248

Red flag

By LeftAndAbandoned - 11/08/2021 16:01

Today, my fiancé called off our wedding, all because I wouldn’t tell him how much my life insurance is worth. Apparently, “Lovers don’t keep secrets from one another” and, “If you’re hiding that, God knows what else you could be hiding.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 994

You deserved it 405

Vicious

By Anonymous - 29/06/2020 08:08

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years after finally realizing I'm a lesbian. He then outed me to my very religious and conservative family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 004

You deserved it 987

Perv'

By Anonymous - 20/09/2021 14:00

Today, someone tried to rob my boss's store and I had a knife held to my neck. That’s not the FML. The FML is that, for some reason, it excited me and I got a boner. The thief told me I was all kinds of messed up and left without stealing anything. My god, I’m some kind of freak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 637

You deserved it 244

By The Cat Tickler - 13/09/2018 15:00

Today, I was talking to myself and got distracted when I was going to put chapstick on my lips. I took the cap off my deodorant and put it on my lips. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 836

You deserved it 1 426

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The Top

Today, I woke up early and took my medication to help me focus while catching up on lectures. I ended up spending the whole day focused on fixing my drawer for no apparent reason. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 467

You deserved it 4 088

Today, my boyfriend started whispering "blowjobbbb" into my ear while we were watching a movie. When I asked him what he was doing, he denied ever saying it and claimed it must have been a subliminal message in the movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 785

You deserved it 8 511

Today, my father, who is going through a serious mid-life crisis, walked into my room, told me to "sit the fuck down," and spent the next two hours ranting about how the Lord of the Rings books prophesy the end of the world this December, and that Sauron is an analogy for "corrupt bankers." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 746

You deserved it 2 224

Today, I wanted to cancel my internet contract. At the store, they told me I have to cancel by phone. On the phone, they tell me I have to do it via the internet. On the internet, it says they will have a customer support agent call me. Finally, he called me to tell me that the only way to cancel is to send a letter by post. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 728

You deserved it 340

Today, while showing off the sharpness of my new katana, I missed my target and hit my shoe. The strike cut into the second toe of my right foot, which then had to be amputated. Demonstration successful. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 828

You deserved it 5 046

Today, I noticed a random dark spot on my skin around my groin area. Fearing that it was possibly melanoma, even though I don't really go outside a lot, I made a mad dash to the doctor. Apparently it's just a fucked-up stretch mark, and is perfectly normal. Nice thing to have a panic attack over. Good job, brain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 398

You deserved it 142