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By tbrown0089 - 10/08/2016 21:49 - United States

Today, I went on my first date in seven months. We hit it off really well, having a lot of things in common. The only thing we don't have in common is a tan line from a wedding ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 430

You deserved it 1 171

tbrown0089 tells us more.

tbrown0089 16

Sunday 4 September 2016 5:55

Hi op here! I'm only twenty. I have plenty of time to date. This happened months ago anyways. I have an amazing boyfriend now. And yes I was single for seven months. You would too if you catch your ex sleeping with your cousin. It was a wedding ring and he is still happily married with a baby on the way.

By Anonymous - 05/04/2014 04:04 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, while in line at my local bakery, an old man passed wind in front of me. The smell was like nothing I've ever experienced before. I managed to withstand it, but the child behind me could not, and spewed orange vomit all over my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 793

You deserved it 3 443

By hannamacintosh - 07/07/2016 18:37 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I finally decided to accept a date proposal from a guy who's had a crush on me for years. I got into his car, and it smelled strongly of my middle school perfume. I went into his bedroom and saw my middle school class photos hanging everywhere. Let's just say I ran home that night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 274

You deserved it 1 002

Roommate from hell #457

By Theguyinthedark - 30/06/2016 13:23 - Bangladesh

Today, my roommate and I were watching TV, and he ordered a pizza. After it was delivered, I took a slice. He yelled at me for taking his food and told me to stop mooching off him. I had to cover his rent last month and he still hasn't paid me back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 199

You deserved it 1 161

It's in the fine print

By fuckkkkk - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - San Francisco

Today, after getting my dream job and quitting my old one, I was told my position is strictly "experimental" and will only last 2 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 129

You deserved it 3 695

Beep beep

By iamgodzilla - 14/05/2015 02:55 - United States - Owings Mills

Today, I got a friend request on Facebook. It's from the person who crashed into my car earlier in the month. It's funny that she doesn't return my calls or messages, but liked my status about the accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 694

You deserved it 2 196

Spoiled

By Beefy Man - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Lehi

Today, I spent eight hours cutting, curing, and aligning on the racks, six months worth of beef to be dried for some tasty jerky, only to find out my dehydrator is broken beyond repair, and would cost as much to fix as the soon-to-spoil meat that I bought. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 808

You deserved it 2 014

By parishiltonsbff - 04/02/2009 00:11 - United States

Today, I realized that I know more about Paris Hilton's cervix than how my government is run. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 494

You deserved it 40 683

Mean boys

By 50love - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. After he did, he walked over to his friends. I saw him tell them that he broke up with me. After he'd finished, all of them cheered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 516

You deserved it 8 298

By Anonymous - 12/03/2016 14:13 - United Kingdom - Neath

Today, after struggling to get something out of my eye, I kept my eye open long so it would start to water. My mother in law noticed and said, "Aww, do you need a therapist again?" She knows full well I struggle with chronic depression. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 673

You deserved it 1 602

Jump scare

By notahero - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Brentwood

Today, my boss told me she had a nightmare where her life depended on me, and I let her die. Now I'm ridiculously paranoid that I'm going to get fired at any second. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 632

You deserved it 2 674

Breaking news

By nicolette5785452 - 16/11/2010 15:34 - United States

Today, I shadowed an ultrasound technician for my future career. She did an ultrasound on me to show me how to do the job. I found out I was pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 849

You deserved it 13 389

By Anonymous - 23/12/2016 00:22

Today, a coworker told me I was "fat shaming" them by discussing weight loss with other coworkers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 641

You deserved it 740

By shakira, when the walls fell - 23/10/2015 18:56 - Canada

Today, thanks to pregnancy hormones, I cried my eyes out for hours over the guy who dumped me 9 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 577

You deserved it 2 990

By Anonymous - 12/04/2009 01:42 - United States

Today, I got a haircut for the first time in almost a year. I thought it looked really nice and made me look good. On my way to CVS, I ran into one of my friends. He examined me and said, "You look... like a crack whore." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 543

You deserved it 5 552

By 4am blues - 13/07/2015 04:39 - United States - Lehigh Acres

Today, my cat thought it was appropriate to bring a bird into the house at 4 a.m.; the bird thought it was appropriate to attack my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 354

You deserved it 2 570

Better safe than doggy

By poongoon - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff

Today, while at the supermarket, I came back to one of my car windows smashed in. Apparently, the stuffed animal my son left in the back seat looks like a dehydrated dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 801

You deserved it 927

By hedayk - 15/05/2015 20:26 - United States - Bronx

Today, I woke up so hungover that when I went to the bathroom and caught sight of myself in the mirror, I screamed, slipped backwards, and smashed my head against the rim of my bathtub. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 286

You deserved it 12 038

One happy family

By anon - 06/01/2015 00:15 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I spent hours cooking an amazing dinner for my family, who had just gotten home from a trip, so we could spend some time together because I'd started to miss everyone. When they got home, they saw it all laid out and just took plates to their room, without even telling me they were home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 312

You deserved it 2 524

By Anonymous - 16/12/2010 17:07 - South Africa

Today, I got a ride in a friend's car. As I sat down, her younger brother started laughing hysterically from the backseat. In between giggles, he admitted he peed there a few minutes ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 683

You deserved it 2 825

By madisonbubch - 23/09/2014 01:04 - United States - Vine Grove

Today, I got home from a long day at work, hoping to just fix dinner and relax, only to find that my cat had come into the house with a rabbit, and is now stuck underneath the cabinet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 933

You deserved it 3 080

By rider - 24/11/2009 10:58 - Qatar

Today, I decided to surprise my wife at her softball game. I saw her distinctive motorcycle jacket through the canvas dugout wall and decided that I would feel her up from behind, to surprise her. She lent her jacket to a friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 204

You deserved it 11 538

By steam_engenius - 04/10/2015 18:11 - United States - Reno

Today, I discovered that spicy ground beef bits are the perfect size to become lodged in one's nasal cavity when vomited back up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 156

You deserved it 1 902

steam_engenius tells us more.

steam_engenius 21

Tuesday 6 October 2015 5:53

I didn't close my mouth while vomiting...The ground beef just kinda made it up there somehow.

By IamHM - 19/09/2015 22:43 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I found my diamond earring, which had gone missing. The vet had to surgically remove it from my dog. Despite having made the voyage through the dog's digestive tract, the earring is more expensive than ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 679

You deserved it 1 921

IamHM tells us more.

IamHM 14

Sunday 20 September 2015 22:37

Bingo! He's a black lab. And apparently likes shiny things.

By Anonymous - 09/09/2015 21:12 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was driving down a completely empty street when a cop pulled me over for no reason at all. When he approached my window, I began to get defensive until he informed me I was driving the wrong way down a one way street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 268

You deserved it 24 805

By Anonymous - 17/04/2013 15:25 - United States

Today, I had a job interview with a man that I got drunk with at a bar on Saturday night. He spent an hour telling me things I did that I don't even remember. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 455

You deserved it 21 619

Let's go for a walk

By jonloran - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Incline Village

Today, my friend and I were getting picked up by his dad after a carnival. As I put my stuff in the back of the car and shut the door to walk around to get in the other side, his dad drove off, thinking I was in the car, leaving me to walk up their hill. It was midnight and I ended up lost. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 167

You deserved it 2 351

By young and dumb - 27/08/2016 06:27 - United States - Trenton

Today, I got married to the man I love even though my whole family told me not to marry him. He got into a drunken fight at our wedding and is now in jail. He apparently won't be getting out any time soon due to charges I didn't know about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 739

You deserved it 3 299

By Anon - 14/08/2016 10:58 - United States - Tracy

Today, a cute guy came up to me and asked for my phone number. I was super excited and began to write it down when he said, "It doesn't have to be your real number, I'm not gonna call anyway." I still gave him my real number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 499

You deserved it 1 397

Hi guys

By unemployed - 11/07/2016 19:09 - United States - Modesto

Today, I walked out the back door of my place of employment and looked down to see a huge cockroach. This is quite a normal occurrence, so I thought nothing of it until I realized it was struggling to drag the corpse of one of its friends into the building. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 275

You deserved it 830

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The Top

Today, my husband and I caught our 12-year-old son "experimenting" with a 5-foot tall stuffed Mickey Mouse. He even made sure to rip Mickey's pants off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 641

You deserved it 4 034

Today, I walked in on my little brother making a Devil's trap so he could capture the demon he thinks is possessing my hamster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 257

You deserved it 3 748

Today, my boyfriend and I were snuggling and telling eachother nice things. The nicest thing he could think of to say to me was "Well, I see you shaved your mustache." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 723

You deserved it 6 414

Today, after spending 2 years growing out my hair, rubbing in oils to make it strong and healthy so I could shave it off and donate to a cancer charity to make wigs, I had a mishap at work with a car's cracked petrol tank. I now have 2nd degree facial burns and like 90% of the hair is burned away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 528

You deserved it 136

Today, I read an FML about a guy who only kissed his girlfriend to make her shut up up. I left a comment, telling him to break up with her and stop wasting her time, only to realise I’d wasted 3 years on my abusive alcoholic ex. I’m now 30 and starting to think I’m getting too old to find someone and have kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 694

You deserved it 499

Today, after months of peace and quiet since January, a new family moved into the apartment below me ten minutes before I was about to go to sleep. They've been here for 30 minutes and already they're stomping and banging doors all over the place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 314

You deserved it 80