Miscellaneous: Today, while making my daily offering of turd to the porcelain...

By Anonymous - 04/03/2012 22:20 - Canada

Today, while making my daily offering of turd to the porcelain throne, I took out my phone and started playing a game. I suddenly felt a tickling sensation on my leg, and I freaked out as I saw hundreds of ants had emerged from behind the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 449

You deserved it 4 365

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Same thing different taste

By lingadoo - 07/12/2012 05:46 - Kuwait - Kuwait

Today, I thought I felt something itch my butt as I sat down on the toilet. Sure it was just my imagination, I did my business. When I was done I saw there were 4 cockroaches crawling under the seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 083

You deserved it 4 857

Freakout

By DisgustingCreatures - 04/08/2016 18:53 - United States - Houston

Today, I was peacefully using the toilet when I heard a familiar crunching sound behind me. After shooting up and frantically looking around, I hesitantly closed the toilet lid - just in time to see a black cockroach slip into a crevice of the toilet. The thing was close enough to go up my butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 625

You deserved it 1 176

Freaked

By AussieGirl - 21/11/2009 11:40 - Australia

Today, as I put on my pajamas, a large spider ran down my leg. After freaking out, killing it, and recomposing myself, I went to the bathroom. As I sat down to go to the toilet, I looked up to see hundreds of baby spiders hanging over my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 199

You deserved it 4 036

By spiderwoman - 04/11/2012 17:12 - Iceland - Reykjav

Today, while walking home, I really had to pee, so I decided to do my business in some high grass just off the street. When I got home, I felt an itch between my butt cheeks. I went to the bathroom to check it out, and a dead, apparently crushed spider fell out of my underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 739

You deserved it 13 583

By Anonymous - 29/03/2018 19:30 - United States - Stamford

Today, I was checking my phone while using the toilet. In a distressing moment of my brain mixing up the signals to my hands, I dropped my phone into the bowl and pressed my thumb into the shitty paper to turn it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 633

You deserved it 3 736

By Anonymous - 05/06/2017 22:00

Today, I woke up early to weird scratching and smacking noises. After gathering enough courage to check what it was, I found out it was just an ant stuck on a piece of paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 223

You deserved it 347

Sticky situation

By Anonymous - 24/07/2022 06:00

Today, at work, I thought I had to fart, but didn’t trust it. I squeezed cheek and hurried to the bathroom. As I was sitting down, liquid shot out of my butthole and got on the seat. I then sat in it. On top of, that I saw a spider crawl out of my underwear. The spider bothers me more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 915

You deserved it 207

Where did you come from?

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was about to get in the shower, when I felt an odd itch in my navel. I saw what I thought was bellybutton lint, so I pulled on it, and quickly realized what I had between my fingers was a still-squirming, headless tick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 977

You deserved it 2 929

By what if I'm being eaten from the inside out? oh my god - 05/04/2013 18:51 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I took an incredibly painful dump. After I cleaned myself up, I got up and was about to flush, until I saw something moving around in one of the logs of poop. It looked like an earthworm. It wasn't there when I sat down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 714

You deserved it 4 841

By funyfunkid - 22/12/2009 19:18 - United States

Today, I saw a roach on my toilet. I thought it would be funny to pee on it. It jumped out, which scared me; I hit my head on the wall and started bleeding, then I peed all over myself and the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 136

You deserved it 47 971

Sarah_moustache 9

Monday 5 March 2012 1:20

Daily offering of turd? Hahaha. Sorry, but that made my day.

aFreedom127 9

Monday 5 March 2012 1:22

They were coming to collect the offering.

Comments

xZoeAmethystx 12

Monday 5 March 2012 1:24

You have a lovely way with words.

BrysGirl27 14

Monday 5 March 2012 7:33

Exactly what I was thinking lol

nofearjenshere 12

Monday 5 March 2012 1:24

They are just the ant pack coming to get your offering. They come in peace.

AkshaySauce 5

Monday 5 March 2012 4:25

Although if they crawl inside your asshole, they may be agitated.

emeraldisle 30

Monday 5 March 2012 1:25

Seems your offering wasn't enough when the ants showed up.

LVblondie 3

Monday 5 March 2012 1:25

*gasp* that's horrible!!!! Especially when you were being so faithful to the feces gods!!!!

LVblondie 3

Monday 5 March 2012 3:02

...I wasn't being sarcastic...I meant what I said, that's really horrible...I would have flipped out...

xLalala 4

Monday 5 March 2012 3:21

*Facepalm*

MrsPegg 45

Monday 5 March 2012 5:40

Gotta give her thumbs up for the tattoo though: Peace, love & music- Bob Marley

KiwiKitten 2

Monday 5 March 2012 1:25

That's kinda hilarious in a twisted sense

LVblondie 3

Monday 5 March 2012 1:27

17..very twisted...

jbloogle 10

Monday 5 March 2012 2:22

If you were the victim then it would not be hilarious but it may be funny to watch though.

LVblondie 3

Monday 5 March 2012 3:10

I agree with you 50!! I would die if it was me!

youjustmademelol 4

Monday 5 March 2012 1:26

That sucks. Maybe the ants were sent by the toilet gods to collect your offering.

ea247 20

Monday 5 March 2012 1:26

Reminds me of the time when I was dumping n a spider was crawling up my butt

4gethishit 4

Monday 5 March 2012 2:26

what the ****...

FmaFangirl 9

Monday 5 March 2012 2:47

Did ya get it out?

BostonBruinsFan 8

Monday 5 March 2012 3:28

The spider f*cked Him/Her

The_Hitdude 12

Monday 5 March 2012 3:29

He didn't say it crawled into his butt (or butthole), he said it crawled UP his butt. Read carefully next time.

kooochris1995 14

Monday 5 March 2012 3:29

62 no It crawled in his/her butt and now is crawling inside his/her body

BostonBruinsFan 8

Monday 5 March 2012 5:10

80-I don't care, and get sarcasim meter checked, ASAP!

The_Hitdude 12

Monday 5 March 2012 12:17

That statement had no sarcasm in it whatsoever. Get your idiot meter checked ASAP.

The_Hitdude 12

Monday 5 March 2012 12:19

And I wasn't even taking to you. I was taking to #62.

pickles2b2 4

Monday 5 March 2012 1:29

You wording for this was phenominiall.

110_percent 5

Monday 5 March 2012 1:45

As was your spelling of "phenominiall".

iamyummylicious 14

Monday 5 March 2012 1:51

His spelling was indeed phenomenal.

L1v3_L0v3_Lau9h 18

Monday 5 March 2012 4:39

Yes! Indeed it was phenomiNIALL! It was amaZAYN and perfectLOUIS worded! ... Sorry, I'm a one direction fan, I couldn't help myself. Let the waves of thumbs down begin.