Intimacy: Today, in an effort to seduce my husband, I laid in bed caressing...

By szinna - 07/06/2009 19:14 - United States

Today, in an effort to seduce my husband, I laid in bed caressing myself. He walked in, looked at me, and said, "Is the ground beef in the freezer still good?" When I answered yes, he turned and walked out of the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 139

You deserved it 6 808

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Same thing different taste

Dirty talk

By Anonymous - 05/12/2010 06:57 - United States

Today, I felt like spicing up our marriage, so I thought I'd surprise my husband when he got home from work. I put on my sexiest teddy, lit some candles, and laid on the bed. He walked in the room, looked at me for a second, farted, then asked me what was for dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 328

You deserved it 4 761

Dorito Man

By Anonymous - 27/06/2014 23:50 - United States - Parker

Today, I put on some sexy lingerie, ready to have some fun with my husband. I found him in the living room, opening a bag of Doritos in front of the TV. He saw me and understood. Then he looked back at the Doritos, then back at me and said gravely, "No way, babe. No way." FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 992

You deserved it 7 692

By Inkabadger - 20/11/2009 18:41 - Canada

Today, since we hadn't been romantic for a long time, I shaved, took a bath, cut my hair and snuggled up to my husband in bed. He got up, went to the computer, masturbated to porn, came back to bed and asked me what was for breakfast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 149

You deserved it 4 102

Kinky

By sandwichsex - 08/08/2009 22:39 - United States

Today, me and my boyfriend were fooling around on my bed when things started to get heated. I said to him, "Do what ever you want". He got up and said he'd be right back. I thought he went to get a condom. He came back with a sandwich. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 211

You deserved it 12 034

By Heather212 - 26/10/2017 07:26

Today, I sat down on my bed completely naked in front of my husband and said, "Man, it's hot in here!" while spreading my legs. He just blew on my vagina, asked if that was better, and then walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 388

You deserved it 1 419

Jumping to conclusions

By Anonymous - 08/03/2015 10:33 - United Kingdom - The Hyde

Today, I decided to put on some sexy lingerie and wait for my husband to come home to surprise him. He took one look at me and immediately accused me of cheating. He was convinced my explanation was a lie and that I'd rushed some guy out the back door when he came home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 833

You deserved it 3 584

Right place, wrong time

By Anonymous - 22/01/2009 16:09 - United States

Today, I was sitting on the couch, computer next to me, lotion on the floor, and my dick in my hand when my roommate walked in on me. Scared and looking me right in the face he says, "What's for dinner?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 216

You deserved it 29 868

Hey good lookin'

By Anonymous - 18/07/2024 07:00 - United States

Today, a "friend" mentioned that my husband was "yummy", then asked if she could "have a turn" with him. I left and went home, outraged. When I told my husband, he couldn't conceal his stupid horny grin, and immediately tried to initiate sex. Pig. FML

I agree, your life sucks 360

You deserved it 698

Classic dude moment

By Two hundred down - 06/08/2023 22:00 - United States

Today, my husband hasn’t touched me in ages. I bought sexy lingerie and walked around the house in them. My husband wouldn’t budge. When I asked him why he didn't want to get physical, he told me, “You want me to be honest? Do some sit ups and butt squats, then I’ll be all over you like cheese on macaroni.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 706

You deserved it 317

Cooked

By Lonely - 07/09/2025 20:00 - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, desperate for some affection from my cold, frigid wife, I lied and said we had an attractive new girl joining our department. Without looking up, she said, "You guys can fuck, I don't care, just be discreet." Stick a fork in this marriage, it's done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 515

You deserved it 91

onepctech 0

Sunday 7 June 2009 23:34

Give me a call, I'll make you feel like a woman.

lagoosie 0

Sunday 7 June 2009 23:42

What the hell is up with people trying to play hard to get or trying to seduce people? ******* get off your ass, and tell him you want to be with him. But, yeah FYL AND YDI. Stop playing with yourself, and go play with your husband.

Comments

Jimmy12345_fml 0

Monday 8 June 2009 13:37

"**** me, I'm horny" would be better what you did.

Rivlas 0

Monday 8 June 2009 13:41

Man's gotta eat! Should have said, go eat your burger, then come back here for your dessert with a sly smile. Now that would have been seduction.

plexico 3

Monday 8 June 2009 15:19

He might have thought you were just itching your yeast infection.

plexico 3

Monday 8 June 2009 15:22

You missed the hidden meaning of his question: "Ground beef" means "his dick" (even if it has been diminished by years of sex with you) "freezer" means "your ******", and "still good" means "something I have to do, even though I don't want to." Glad I could straighten that out for you. ;)

spirited_away33 0

Monday 8 June 2009 15:32

Oh no! He didn't want to have sex with you once! your life must be effed.

dancing_bear 0

Monday 8 June 2009 15:40

Were you naked? Because if you were, it couldn't have been more obvious what you wanted. Fine if he didn't want it but he could at least have acknowledged that you did...

summerdream 0

Monday 8 June 2009 15:44

perhaps u looked like you were scratching...? anyway FYL

MGW501 2

Monday 8 June 2009 15:53

Fingering yourself is not seduction. You have probably put him off more by signalling to him that you're going to look after yourself in that department, and you're not interested in his ****, tongue or him in general. Time to 'share' some things together, as you're obviously not communicating. Good luck. At least your heart is in the right place, so way in front of other married couples out there.

regalarius 0

Monday 8 June 2009 16:48

#71 - Wow, I haven't heard that bit of horseshit in years. Men do not think about sex once every seven seconds. Unless you count *during* sex. And consider seven seconds of thinking about it to be a single event. That's one of the silliest urban legends I know of.