Kids

Constant surveillance

By mister fixit? more like mister fuxit - 25/11/2024 09:00 - United States - New York

Today, I made the mistake of taking apart and fixing a malfunctioning toaster in front of my five year-old. Two hours later, he tried to take apart a lamp that was plugged in. He shocked himself, broke the lamp, and set the carpet on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 465

You deserved it 275

Lord give me strength

By caitlyn - 22/11/2024 09:00 - United States

Today, my adult daughter was hospitalized for severe fever, diarrhea, and fainting. The doctor couldn't find any cause other than sleep deprivation, because I started making her wake up at 7 am. I’ve never met anyone so ridiculously weak in my entire life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 232

You deserved it 856

Home renovation

By Anonymous - 22/11/2024 03:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I was cleaning my lazy son’s bedroom when I knocked a full cup out the window, complete with a layer of mould. It landed on the dog, covering him in mouldy, milky coffee. He ran inside, shook it off everywhere, then rolled around to really make sure it was smushed deep into the carpet fibres. FML

I agree, your life sucks 408

You deserved it 309

Proud Papa moment

By Anonymous - 19/11/2024 20:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my daughter turned up at my house because her boyfriend kicked her out. I rang him and it turns out his love and affection and even the time he spent getting to know her kids wasn’t enough for her, my daughter just had to throw it all away by sucking her coworker's dick in her boyfriend's bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 674

You deserved it 158

Micromanagement

By Anonymous - 19/11/2024 14:00 - United Kingdom - City of Westminster

Today, I’m 15 and my mother banned me from watching YouTube because it’s "distracting." What the f***? How? Now I have to pretend that I've watched the things my friends send me so they won’t know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 179

You deserved it 546

Role models

By Feminist - 17/11/2024 20:00 - United States

Today, I tried to talk to my teenage son about healthy masculinity. He said, "Yeah Mom, I know. Lift weights and eat red meat and fish. Can I go?" Not what I meant at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 281

You deserved it 421

Motherly love

By Anonymous - 13/11/2024 09:00 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, my mom texted me, “I just want you to know I love you very much.” Touched, I replied, “I love you too, Mom!” Her next message said, “Oops, wrong person.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 435

You deserved it 64

Metal Zone

By Anonymous - 10/11/2024 12:00 - United Kingdom

Today, our baby refuses to sleep through the night. My dad told us to play Heavy Metal because it put me to sleep as a baby. We are currently playing "Jekyll and Hyde" by Five Finger Death Punch on repeat and she’s been asleep for 7 hours. Unfortunately, the neighbours are furious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 398

You deserved it 215

Bye Felicia

By Anonymous - 07/11/2024 00:00 - United States - Maryland Heights

Today, two weeks after giving my daughter-in-law a severe scolding for forcing my son to do chores and babysit the kids on his days off, I went to visit them and found out that they'd changed the locks, so my key no longer works. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74

You deserved it 2 049

This is wrong on so many levels

By Catfished - 04/11/2024 00:00 - Philippines - Makati City

Today, I was supposed to meet up with a girl I met on a dating app and had been chatting with. We exchanged the classic, "I'll be here and wearing this." At the location, a girl from a distance, wearing the described outfit, was checking me out. I immediately bailed out. Not only she is 9, she is also a student of mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 509

You deserved it 129

Trash talking little dude

By Proud momma - 03/11/2024 20:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my toddler learned the phrase “Shut up.” He now loudly says it to anyone who speaks to him, including our elderly neighbor, whose only crime was complimenting him on his shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 348

You deserved it 204

Bad guy

By Anonymous - 02/11/2024 03:00 - Canada

Today, I was babysitting my 4 year-old niece, who rudely but cutely asked me why my nose is so big. Trying to make light of it, I told her, "It's because I lie a lot, just like Pinocchio." Now she won’t stop asking who I lied to and told my sister and her husband that I’m a "bad guy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 119

You deserved it 523

Classic toddler moment

By Anonymous - 01/11/2024 03:00 - Ireland

Today, I took my very talkative toddler to a grocery store. As we passed a woman in an aisle, my kid pointed and said loudly, "Mummy, why does that lady have such a funny face?" I had to awkwardly apologize while my face went beet red. FML

I agree, your life sucks 382

You deserved it 107

The Child Catcher

By Not a child hater - 31/10/2024 00:00 - United States

Today, I had to chase down and tackle a boy (around 11 or 12) at my workplace after I caught him snatching someone's wallet and trying to quickly sneak out with it. Now everyone thinks I have something against children, even after I returned the stranger's wallet and explained that the little brat is a thief. FML

I agree, your life sucks 560

You deserved it 75

Swiss cheese

By Anonymous - 30/10/2024 16:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my wife is furious at me because she made a memory box for our kids, with objects linked to milestones, silly memories, holidays and so on, and try as I might I couldn’t identify a single damn one of them, except for a paint sampler from the time we repainted the whole house in one weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 223

You deserved it 477

Here, have this

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Crystal Lake

Today, it was my son's fifth birthday. I asked my grandmother, who is a baker, to make a birthday cake for the party. Two hours after the party started, she arrived drunk with a large ham with candles in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 911

You deserved it 4 928

Disproportionate responses are the new black

By Anonymous - 25/10/2024 00:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my son nearly burned the house down with a lighter and an aerosol. His excuse? He was killing a massive spider carrying an egg sack. My wife hates spiders so she refuses to punish him and gave him £20. But sure, dear old Dad will spend money replacing the wallpaper and curtains, no problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 454

You deserved it 97

Toot etiquette

By Mama - 22/10/2024 20:00 - Switzerland - Basel

Today, I recently taught my 6 year-old son that, to be polite, you have to pretend you haven't noticed if someone farts. Now it embarrassingly just happened to me, and he shouted with a big smile, "See? I'm pretending I didn't hear it!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 139

You deserved it 369

Hassle

By Anonymous - 21/10/2024 12:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my son was talking about his upcoming wedding like it’s a disease he got diagnosed with, like, “Yeah, I got this wedding thing” or “Man, it’s gonna be hard to get through” and my favourite “A pain in the ass, I wouldn’t with this shit on anyone.” I feel so sorry for his fiancé, poor girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 433

You deserved it 137

Hilarious

By Anonymous - 21/10/2024 09:00 - United States

Today, its been three weeks since my boyfriend's "hilarious prank" went off. He hid a Bluetooth speaker in my son's room and played a scary clown laugh at 2am. Now my son won't even enter his room, much less sleep in it. My boyfriend had better learn to love sleeping on the sofa. FML

I agree, your life sucks 520

You deserved it 149

Spooked

By Anonymous - 20/10/2024 12:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I was trying to sleep when I saw a head looming from the darkness with no eyes and a mouth open like a silent scream. I just froze and pissed myself. It was my daughter wanting to cuddle with us. Alas, the bed was wet, so she got put back in her bed, while we had to share the sofa downstairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 345

You deserved it 280

Kinda brought it onto yourself

By Anonymous - 19/10/2024 22:00 - United States

Today, despite my warnings, my only son married a girl I hate. To protest their marriage, I wore a white dress to the wedding. Her maid of honor "tripped" and spilled red wine all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49

You deserved it 2 357

OK, it's spooky season, but come on…

By Anonymous - 19/10/2024 16:00

Today, back when my son had an imaginary friend at 3 years-old it was cute; when he was 7 it was concerning; now he’s 15, still talks to him, and is refusing to see a therapist, even though I’m genuinely scared, it’s a thin line between imaginary friends and hearing voices in your head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 466

You deserved it 119

Express yourself

By Embarassed - 18/10/2024 20:00 - United States - Cleveland

Today, my toddler started chirping, "Mommy’s on the toilet!" while I was in a public restroom at our local mall. She also knocked on the stall door to make sure everyone was made aware of our exact location. FML

I agree, your life sucks 326

You deserved it 140

Antiques Roadshow

By Anonymous - 17/10/2024 22:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I got home and found my kids playing with my coin collection. My wife told me to stop being grouchy because it’s not like they’re silver and gold. No, but they were all mint condition, some of them very rare, and every scratch the kids just put on them has halved their value or worse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 601

You deserved it 108

Good question

By Anonymous - 17/10/2024 14:00 - United States - San Diego

Today, my six year-old son asked me, "Dad, what's a glory hole?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 543

You deserved it 138

Nosy nitwit

By Paladin Rayjack - 16/10/2024 20:00 - Philippines - Makati City

Today, at the mall, I ran into a lost, crying little girl. It was my best friend's daughter. She recognized and clung on to me. As I called her dad, some nosy lady snatched her from me and caused a scene, screaming, "KIDNAPPER!" As I got apprehended, her claim was she heard me say, "If you still want to see her…" FML

I agree, your life sucks 580

You deserved it 87

Passive parenting

By Anonymous - 16/10/2024 12:00 - United States

Today, my 6 year-old son has been using his tablet before bed, and he has been staying up until 12am when his bedtime is 8pm. I think his tablet is why, since he plays games and watches YouTube before bed. He also has the tablet in bed while he’s sleeping. Why does he need to use his tablet overnight? FML

I agree, your life sucks 44

You deserved it 1 343

Worst babysitter ever

By Anonymous - 15/10/2024 00:00 - United States - Memphis

Today, I tripped over a laundry basket while carrying my baby niece. Don’t worry, I threw her onto the couch safely. I, however, face-planted into the coffee table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 425

You deserved it 105

In the doghouse

By Anonymous - 14/10/2024 16:00

Today, my toddler started running around the house yelling, "Daddy said a bad word!" over and over again. I don't even know what I allegedly said, but now my wife is giving me the "we need to talk" look. FML

I agree, your life sucks 457

You deserved it 101

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The Top

Today, I was suntanning outside, when I had a bout of nausea. I rushed to the toilet, hoping at all costs to just dry-heave it away. When I lifted the lid, I was faced with two of the most rancid floaters I've ever seen, courtesy of my live-in gran. Well, my stomach's empty now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 781

You deserved it 2 070

Today, I had to sit my 13-year-old son down and explain to him that I'd noticed that his pajamas feel a little "crispy" when I pick them up to do the laundry, and ask if he could start using tissues when having some "alone time." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 096

You deserved it 6 322

Today, I was texting with my close friend about her very sick father. She texted, "I hope he gets better" and I replied, "I hope he does." Autocorrect changed it to, "I hope he dies." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 098

You deserved it 440

Today, I yelled at my girlfriend for something trivial. Instead of yelling back, she was scarily calm and said, "Remember, I’ve got 50 lbs on you. Yell at me again and I’ll lay a pillow on your face and sit on it until you’re dead." I think she might mean it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 782

You deserved it 2 611

Today, as I was walking my dog, some self-righteous animal activist berated me on how it was animal abuse to put my dog on a leash. Despite warning her, she crouched down to undo it, my dog charged at her, giving her a gash on the cheek. She kicked my dog for it, and is now threatening to sue me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 752

You deserved it 88

Today, I excitedly got ready for my first day at my new job. I arrived on time, dressed up, only to find out they meant next Monday, not today. My new boss just gave me a weird look and said, "See you next week?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 395

You deserved it 161