Cooking

Experimental cuisine

By Nicky - 16/07/2024 09:00 - United States

Today, I was washing a sink full of lettuce that I'd grown, which had been in the hot sun. My husband was preparing fish for dinner and took all the juices that had drained off the raw fish, reached over my shoulder, and dumped the juice on my lettuce. I asked if that was the fish juice. He said no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 478

You deserved it 111

We'll just order out

By Lili - 22/03/2025 09:00 - United States - Akron

Today, I cooked dinner for my boyfriend, hoping to impress him with my culinary skills. I burnt the garlic bread, overcooked the chicken, and managed to set off the smoke alarm three times. When I finally served the meal, my boyfriend said, "It's like a sad buffet at a middle school prom." FML

I agree, your life sucks 346

You deserved it 278

By NaCl - 24/05/2014 21:20 - United States - Duluth

Today, my mother-in-law came over for dinner. She decided to salt the food I was preparing without even tasting it first, then complained at dinner that I'd used too much salt. She then lectured me on the proper seasoning of food for the rest of the evening. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 746

You deserved it 4 075

Assumptions part 27674

By dads can’t cook? - 17/03/2021 21:30

Today, I was messaging a new friend when she mentioned her dad was cooking dinner that night. I jokingly texted, “Oh no! I’m sorry!” Turns out her dad is a professional chef. FML

I agree, your life sucks 282

You deserved it 1 234

By ChaosFerret - 03/05/2016 20:53 - United States - Eugene

Today, I spent six hours making chicken and black bean chili for a big family gathering. I go to use the restroom. I come back to the pot on the floor with my cat standing in the chili, eating it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 691

You deserved it 2 125

Breakfast time!

By shit flavored eggs - 09/03/2021 00:30

Today, I decided to make an almighty breakfast of fried eggs and bacon. I couldn't find anything to flip the eggs with so I used a red spatula that my sister handed me. As I was finishing a delicious fry up, my mom came downstairs and asked me why the cat litter scoop was resting in the frying pan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 095

You deserved it 475

Yaaaaaay!

By Username - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff

Today, I saw a firework show. In my kitchen. When my stove blew up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 670

You deserved it 4 544

No tip for you

By Anonymous - 17/09/2024 15:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my Italian boyfriend claims his dad owned a restaurant and taught him everything he knows. His dad must have worked at a McDonald’s then because my boyfriend is the only Italian I’ve met who overcooks pasta into mush, can’t season tomato sauce properly, and thinks Domino’s makes good pizza. FML

I agree, your life sucks 486

You deserved it 138

Picky eater

By Anonymous - 04/06/2022 22:00

Today, my family are refusing to go out to eat with me anymore. Apparently, me liking my food cooked a certain way infuriates them because it delays our order, and makes the wait staff hate us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 348

You deserved it 1 482

Petty quibble

By Time wasted - 18/06/2024 17:00 - United States

Today, my boyfriend spent forty minutes making pasta sauce when we had a perfectly good jar of pasta sauce in the pantry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 97

You deserved it 1 036

"Eruption" by Van Halen time

By Anonymous - 01/08/2021 16:01

Today, I learned that I actually like my boiled eggs a bit softer than I usually make them. I also learned that an outwardly lukewarm egg, when bitten into enthusiastically, is perfectly capable of creating a volcanic eruption of boiling hot yolk all over your hands, clothes and kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 660

You deserved it 425

Goop

By Thisshitisbananas B A N A N A S - 27/01/2022 16:59

Today, an irate woman came into my store, screaming that she wanted a refund for the “defective” juicer we sold her. Apparently we’re all idiots who can’t build thing properly. I work at Best Buy and she was trying to juice bananas, but got mad they kept coming out as goop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 444

You deserved it 110

Bon appétit, I guess

By Jenn86 - 18/08/2023 08:00 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, I tried my hand at baking homemade individual apple tarts. While taking them out of the oven, I dropped the entire tray on the floor. My dog acted like it was Christmas in August and scarfed at least half of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 570

You deserved it 163

Junk

By Drim - 25/11/2009 17:52 - Canada

Today, I learned that there is a limit to being thrifty. For example buying a pan from the dollar store is most likely going to cost a lot more than a few dollars. Especially when it melts all over your stove which you now have to replace. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 135

You deserved it 31 958

Kitchen Nightmares

By Anonymous - 20/06/2022 00:00 - Germany - Moormerland

Today, I made huge pot of curry, adhering almost exactly to my proven and delicious recipe. It tasted completely bland, even with all the spices. I kept adding salt, until it tasted bland and oversalted at the same time. I think either the salt is broken or my taste buds are. FML

I agree, your life sucks 683

You deserved it 812

By Nylo - 29/01/2018 01:30

Today, I made my first ever chocolate fudge, which turned out really nice. I had a bite and left it on the counter with plastic wrap covering, only to come back later to find my sister's cat pissing on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 209

You deserved it 561

Special ingredient

By Laviolette - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - France

Today, I was preparing dinner for my in-laws for the first time. Nervous, I accidentally spilled the pasta into the sink. With nothing else to prepare, I quickly scooped it all back out. No-one would have been any the wiser, if the kitchen sponge hadn't shown up in the middle of the meal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 311

You deserved it 40 508

Over unready

By Anonymous - 14/10/2021 08:01 - Germany - Ebersbach

Today, I finally found our big casserole in the attic. Once the food was all nicely layered into it, I realized why it had been in the attic. It doesn't actually fit into our standard-sized oven. By a few millimeters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 777

You deserved it 289

The medium is the message

By adam - 15/02/2010 02:16 - United States

Today, I made heart-shaped cookies for my girlfriend. My mom's reaction? "They look like dicks." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 162

You deserved it 4 231

Cooked

By peterpan - 23/02/2010 12:54 - Germany

Today, I was making schnitzel at our kitchen so I had to get rid of all the oil. So I decided it would be best to put the hot pan on our porch so the oil would cool down and then I could get rid of it. Unfortunately the ground is sealed with tar, so the tar melted and now the pan is stuck to the ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 352

You deserved it 30 732

Sunday funday

By Anonymous - 02/03/2025 03:00 - United States

Today, I spilled a bottle of honey on the floor while preparing breakfast. As I frantically tried to clean it up, my cat deemed it the perfect opportunity to slide and pad through the sticky mess like a slip-n-slide. Now, I have a honey-coated cat, a ruined floor, and a sticky mess to clean up before my roommates get home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 375

You deserved it 123

Burning down the house

By Anonymous - 25/07/2021 18:01 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I got some ingredients ready for a stew in the slow cooker, planning to turn it on when I left for work. Well, my dumb, un-caffeinated ass turned it on, but put it on high instead of low. For 13 hours. It was completely charcoal by the time I got home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 796

You deserved it 326

Foreplay

By Anonymous - 18/12/2022 09:00

Today, my girlfriend bitched that we spend too much money on food, and needed to start cooking to save money. I got home from work and started dinner. Halfway through, my girlfriend sighed and said, "This is taking too long, I'll order pizza." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 254

You deserved it 173

Sounds delicious

By Bible John - 11/11/2023 08:00 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, in a rush, I attempted to microwave leftover pizza slices. Unbeknownst to me, I accidentally hit the 'defrost' button, turning the pizza into a lukewarm soggy mess. I guess pizza should never be reheated in 'thaw mode'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 173

You deserved it 358

Kitchen daydream

By Rordon Gamsey - 02/08/2022 16:00

Today, I was "that idiot" who spent ages making a soup stock from meat and vegetables, but then while separating it forgot to put a pan under the strainer, so I poured the finished stock down the sink, leaving me with only the boiled meat and veg sat sadly in the strainer. Takeaway chinese for tea, then. FML

I agree, your life sucks 797

You deserved it 435

Overcooked

By poopiemanlol - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I realized that you should never teach your 6 year-old child how to use the microwave, unless you want to be cleaning melted pet fish for about half an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 169

You deserved it 11 944

Bon appétit

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Appleton

Today, I told my girlfriend I've been a vegetarian for 6 years. Hearing this, my mom said, "No, you're not. I fry your mushrooms and onions in bacon grease." With this new information, I've been a vegetarian for about 76 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 470

You deserved it 10 074

Pancake day

By Anonymous - 03/04/2026 15:00

Today, I burnt my finger making pancakes for my kid. After hopping around and running the blister under cold water, I went back to finish making the pancakes and burned the same finger right on top of the new blister. An hour later it burst and the flesh is a funny colour underneath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 334

You deserved it 123

Grilled

By Anonymous - 17/07/2023 03:00

Today, I made several beautiful steaks on the grill, then set them to rest. While I left to use the bathroom, my four year-old decided they looked yucky and poured syrup on them. My wife was too busy giggling and recording it to stop her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 036

You deserved it 207

Yummy

By Veggie dinner - 01/07/2024 16:00 - Germany - Essen

Today, I was boiling pasta and tasting it every now and then too see if it was done. As an afterthought, I threw in some lentil pasta as well. Only after tasting a few more times did I notice the maggots that were now slowly rising in the boiling water. I didn't expect that much protein in those lentils. FML

I agree, your life sucks 431

You deserved it 156

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The Top

Today, my roommate admitted he spent his half of the rent money on a tattoo. It's all good though, we're just gonna get evicted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 213

You deserved it 1 734

Today, I went to kiss my girlfriend on the neck while she was cooking on the stove. Apparently I scared her and now I have a nice burn mark on my head from the hot frying pan she hit me with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 508

You deserved it 9 630

Today, when approaching a stop light on my motorcycle, I went to extend my left leg as usual to balance when stopped. Apparently my shoelace loop got wrapped around the shift lever and "tied" my shoe to the bike. It's hard to look cool when you fall over for no apparent reason at a stoplight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 704

You deserved it 7 739

Today, I went on Facebook to find that my little brother had messed with my profile. He wrote on my status that I'm a piece of shit, I have no life, and several other nasty and perverted things. Underneath, it said 26 of my friends liked this. I'm new to Facebook. So far I have 26 friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 372

You deserved it 8 282

Today, my 4 year old son excitedly asked me if he'd get to see drones at the zoo. He apparently thinks drones are living creatures. I guess I can go ahead and spend his college savings on shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 690

You deserved it 1 383

Today, I'm working while my husband is the stay at home parent. The house is spotless, our baby girl is happy, and he's never been happier. When I stayed at home, I could never keep the house tidy, and she cried constantly. How does he do it? No matter how we do it, I'm always the one who's tired and miserable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 768

You deserved it 886