Today, while trying to go to sleep, I found a single Nerd candy... - FML

halloween_candy - 24/10/2017 12:41

Today, while trying to go to sleep, I found a single Nerd candy that I thought I had dropped hours earlier. It had been stuck in my bellybutton the whole time. FML

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The rhythm of the fight
Discover all the best anecdotes from the month of January, with or without snow, with or without you. …

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Sex Intimacy Suspicious Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Today, my girlfriend won’t give me oral because she doesn't like pubes, so I trimmed them; she refused again because they felt prickly, so I waxed them. Now she says I look like a little boy. If she doesn’t want to suck cock, why won’t she just say so instead of hinting she might if I shaved? FML

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Today, my boyfriend still won't talk to me, after I caused him the "worst embarrassment" of his life in front of his friends. What did I do wrong? I joined their conversation and ended up confusing the fictional characters of Gollum and Yoda with one another. FML

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Today, we had an ice storm. My fiancée went out to look at the damage and yelled at me when I warned her to be safe. As she was walking around, she almost got nailed by a falling branch. Now she's mad at me. I don't know why either. FML

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Today, my girlfriend put her hand on my abs and confessed that she was glad I'd secretly started working out. I couldn't bring myself to admit that I've been constipated for three weeks. FML

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Today, some official photographs went live on our company website. As I took a closer look, I realised I was in the background of one photo unloading boxes from a van. My trousers were halfway down my ass, flashing my butt crack for the whole internet to see. FML

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Today, I was in a dating auction. I was bought for $2. The man who won a date with me recited every dialog from the movie The Lord of the Rings. FML

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