TitaniumCarrot

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30 years-old
Friday 24 February 1995
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Titaniumcarrot's favorite FMLs

By Embarrassed - 11/02/2009 01:46 - United States

Today, I was in the car with a group of my girl friends discussing sexual experiences when I looked down and realized my Blackberry had dialed the family I babysit for and had left a five minute voicemail. FML

agreeclassic 50 240

vote type 1 17 700

Classy dude

By tw@ - 28/09/2014 15:30 - United Kingdom - Watford

Today, my drunk husband came home, got into bed, and started humping the body pillow. He ended up whining about how I hadn't come yet, then angrily slurred that I must be cheating on him. All I could do was stay quiet and wonder how the idiot even made it home alive. FML

agreeclassic 56 934

vote type 1 4 892

By Anonymous - 29/08/2014 16:16 - United States - Port Lavaca

Today, it's been three weeks since my dad finished growing what he calls a "Jesus beard" and gone out asking for donations and claiming to be Jesus Christ. I've been trying and failing to get a job for 2 years, and he's already raking in cash from gullible idiots. FML

agreeclassic 42 210

vote type 1 3 972

By annababyyyy - 25/08/2014 01:09 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, I was sitting in a boring lecture. Out of boredom, I made a fish-faces with my mouth. Somehow, I made the most realistic fart noise I've ever heard in the process. The whole room stared at me. FML

agreeclassic 34 902

vote type 1 13 549

annababyyyy app_comment_confession_title

annababyyyy 11

Tuesday 26 August 2014 3:21

Hi! Op here, I've been a loyal fml user for 4 years now and I can't believe this got posted! Let me just clear some things up: The lecture was part of my summer camp - not college. I'm 16. I wasn't taking notes because it was summer camp. I wish I pretended it wasn't me, but I was so in shock I couldn't think straight!! Even the lecturer stared at me My friends where there and laughed hysterically, and I quickly explained what happened. I am capable of laughing at myself, so it wasn't that bad. as for all the fish puns- keep um coming!!

The Pitt

By Anonymous - 18/06/2014 19:06 - United States - Lake Wales

Today, we had a guy come into the hospital with a carrot stuck deep in his anus. I've heard all kinds of ridiculous cover stories, but his took the cake; he claimed the phone rang while he was showering and he slipped onto a box of vegetables. Guess who had to extract the carrot. FML

agreeclassic 57 533

vote type 1 5 045