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By I'm a pussy, yeah yeah - 05/09/2015 05:56 - United States - Lake Elsinore

Today, my psycho cat stood on my toilet seat and challenged me to a stand-off. After 10 minutes, I couldn't hold it in any more and asked to use my neighbor's bathroom instead. I told him my toilet was broken. FML

agreeclassic 20 962

vote type 1 10 040

By Neckbruise101 - 15/10/2016 06:01 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my boss berated me in front of 2 other coworkers about how unprofessional it was for me to show up to work with a clearly visible hickey. I had to explain to him that my "hickey" was actually a huge pimple that had bruised up after I popped it. FML

agreeclassic 11 670

vote type 1 873

By Dioxin01 - 15/09/2010 20:55 - Canada

Today, I found out I'm being sued by the man whose life I practically saved a month ago. He says the way I pulled him out of the car he was trapped in has left him with permanent back problems. FML

agreeclassic 51 486

vote type 1 3 468

Dioxin01 app_comment_confession_title

Dioxin01 4

Saturday 18 September 2010 2:42

Hey everyone, This happened while I was driving in the United States. Also if I hadn't helped him, there would be no chance of him being alive today.

By Anonymous - 28/10/2009 21:22 - United States

Today, it was my wedding day. I gave a speech about the first time my wife and I met. I said I knew she was the perfect woman for me and it was love at first sight. I looked to my right as she stormed off and then realized I had told a story about my ex-girlfriend who was sitting in the crowd. FML

agreeclassic 11 248

vote type 1 93 845

By Anonymous - 29/08/2015 11:28 - United States - Manhattan Beach

Today, I caught my girlfriend cheating on me. Now she's threatening to kill herself if I don't forgive her. FML

agreeclassic 30 019

vote type 1 2 128

By Sadwife - 06/10/2016 17:36 - United States - Pardeeville

Today, I had my wedding at 11 a.m. so that I could spend a lot of time with my friends and family. Everyone left within 4 hours. FML

agreeclassic 11 167

vote type 1 2 004

Split second

By FLIPmcCOOL - 15/05/2014 22:57 - Ireland - Cork

Spicy

Today, I accidentally said the wrong name during sex. That name just happened to be "Sarah", which is both my ex-girlfriend's name and my wife's sister's name. When she asked me which one I meant, I panicked and said, "Both." FML

agreeclassic 38 167

vote type 1 60 819

Don't feed the trolls

By pathetic - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Poland - Warsaw

Today, I was trolling in a chat room when someone said, quote, "He's just a no-life, unemployed loser still living in his mom's basement. Probably spends all day stroking his tiny dong and fantasizing about having a real girlfriend." I actually started crying because it was so accurate. FML

agreeclassic 16 294

vote type 1 57 205

First date from hell

By lizzardbreath - 31/03/2009 10:44 - United States

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I don't know very well. He told me to dress in formal attire, so I assumed he was taking me to a nice dinner. He took me to his brother's wedding, and introduced me as "The One" to his entire family. FML

agreeclassic 115 928

vote type 1 7 954

Scammer

By hail science - 10/09/2019 00:01

Today, I found out that my mother, who's been against me seeking treatment for my cancer, has been going to different churches and charities to get donations for her "poor ailing daughter." I've not seen a dime of this money, and my mom just tells me to pray my cancer away. FML

agreeclassic 3 016

vote type 1 157

By Anonymous - 24/08/2016 20:27 - United States - Covina

Today, my manager challenged me to make two big sales at work. Seeing as customers spend a lot of money in our store, I decided the challenge was fairly easy and accepted. She immediately started stealing all of my sales. FML

agreeclassic 12 590

vote type 1 891

Group Project Struggles

By FML Approved - 21/10/2017 14:30 - United States - New York

Not helping never looked so cute!

agreeclassic 496

vote type 1 105

The Sweet Smell of Success

By let ‘Er rip - 13/10/2019 16:00

Today, I was out on my first date in months. My stomach didn’t feel quite right after dinner, but I tried to ignore it. During the movie, it got so bad I decided to try to sneak a small fart for relief. As soon as I did, the theater fell dead silent. My fart practically echoed in the silence. FML

agreeclassic 1 727

vote type 1 612

Nature is healing

By squirrels69ing - 22/05/2011 01:00 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was driving back home with my mom when we saw two squirrels having sex in the road. I told her to just honk the horn. She said that I was being selfish, that sex is a beautiful thing, and that we should let them finish. We sat there for at least five minutes. FML

agreeclassic 48 055

vote type 1 6 292

By Anonymous - 15/02/2013 04:30 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my white girlfriend that dating me doesn't give her the right to call my mother the N-word. FML

agreeclassic 45 663

vote type 1 9 218

By SJDAOisdjlkSADlksda - 02/07/2016 02:37 - United States

Today, I witnessed my sister use some ice cubes on her blistered toes, then quietly return them to the tray in the fridge. I've been putting ice from there into my drinks for weeks. FML

agreeclassic 15 885

vote type 1 996

By sayroshi - 30/06/2016 18:29 - United States

Today, my 3-year-old son decided to pull down his pants and pee outside as our local city's parade had just started marching down the street. FML

agreeclassic 10 413

vote type 1 1 337

By yardswoman - 29/06/2016 23:01

Today, I was mowing my yard when I hit a small rock, which hit my shed. I got done mowing and realized that it wasn't a small rock, it was my son's toy plyers and it wasn't my shed, it was my car window, which had shattered on impact. FML

agreeclassic 14 144

vote type 1 1 732

Kids these days…

By Cindell Hanson - 02/03/2020 05:00

Today, a student told me to fuck off. I work with 3 year-olds. FML

agreeclassic 1 778

vote type 1 192

Is this Woody Allen?

By ShockedToDeath - 08/07/2021 02:01

Today, I found out my husband got my 22 year-old daughter pregnant. Not only that, he’s drained our savings on her including a new iPhone and Macbook, designer clothes and handbags, etc. His defense, in all seriousness, was, "She’s not even my biological daughter, chill out." FML

agreeclassic 2 393

vote type 1 172

Why I did that?

By Anonymous - 29/02/2020 14:00

Today, I was trying to shave down there. I'm about 6 months pregnant, and I can't see past my belly. I ended up scaring the crap out of myself into thinking I was miscarrying until my baby kicked and I realized I had just accidentally cut myself with the razor. FML

agreeclassic 1 411

vote type 1 861

Nice way to put it

By -_- - 18/02/2012 00:13 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I went to an extended family reunion. I started chatting to my great grandpa, and he asked me what I do for a living. Before I could tell him I breed animals, my visibly drunk dad interrupted and slurred, "Oh, she jacks things off. Horses, pigs, just about anything, really." FML

agreeclassic 32 009

vote type 1 4 101

Hi, bye!

By Hate2Date - 05/04/2010 05:14 - United States

Spicy

Today, fifteen minutes after dinner was served, my blind date said, "It's good that you're smart. Not to be rude, but most girls aren't. I mean, at some point, I'm going to pull my dick out of your mouth and then it's good if you have something interesting to say." Check please. FML

agreeclassic 47 903

vote type 1 8 193

Our secretive

By Anonymous - 21/11/2019 15:00 - Australia - Bonnyrigg

Today, my mom is 44 years old, and she is cheating on my dad with my friend who is 19. And she's paying me to keep her secret. FML

agreeclassic 2 658

vote type 1 1 063

Accidental homophobia

By Anonymous - 28/05/2016 03:47 - United States

Today, my brother came out on Facebook, with a message including the words "I got nothing against gays. Except my dick!" I replied "Eww!" My second comment, "Eww because of the analogy, lol." disappeared among a load of replies tearing me apart for being a homophobe. FML

agreeclassic 12 024

vote type 1 3 302

Cold-blooded old times

By Anonymous - 14/04/2020 02:00

Spicy

Today, going through my dead grandma's papers, we found old faded photos. I showed them to my mum, who screamed in shock. They were grandma and granddad's erotic photos from about seventy years ago. FML

agreeclassic 1 891

vote type 1 381

By muaythaiboss - 22/05/2016 17:45 - United States - Alexandria

Today, as I was instructing our new third grade students about how our martial arts classes are safer than people think, someone broke their leg right in front of their innocent faces. They saw the bone sticking out. FML

agreeclassic 12 388

vote type 1 1 077

muaythaiboss app_comment_confession_title

muaythaiboss 12

Monday 23 May 2016 13:24

OP here. if anyone is wondering how he broke his leg. he basically got his leg trapped, and when he was thrown, he landed on only one leg. the doctors said it was a pretty clean fracture, so he will be back in 2 months. but needless to say we lost 6 of the 8 students.

By Ouch - 12/08/2009 23:36 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out that doctors can be wrong. Pink clothes, pink stroller, pink bottles, pink bibs, pink cribs and pink bedding to go with my baby that recently came out with a little pink penis. FML

agreeclassic 59 778

vote type 1 22 667

By onemonthmyarse - 25/07/2018 14:00 - United Kingdom - Isleworth

Today, it's been 9 months since my home was damaged by a neighbour's gas explosion. The council said it would take a month to repair. I'm still living on my boyfriend's mother's sofa. FML

agreeclassic 3 330

vote type 1 189

By Jane - 28/04/2016 03:58 - United States - Beaver Falls

Today, my fiancé tells me he loves me about 100 times a day. At first it was cute, but now it's getting really annoying. We can't have a conversation without him throwing in about 10 "I love you"s. I'm beginning to not want to talk to him anymore. FML

agreeclassic 14 835

vote type 1 3 077

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Today, I had a date with a girl I'd been seeing for about a month. When I got home, I saw her Facebook status changed to "In a relationship." This made me kind of excited, until I realized it wasn't with me. FML

agreeclassic 36 056

vote type 1 3 800

Today, a few weeks after my ex dumped me and I'd just started to get over it, she asked me to get her pregnant. We had sex once within the year we were dating. FML

agreeclassic 853

vote type 1 178

Today, my son told our whole family and all our friends that I kicked him out for being gay. I kicked him out because on more than one occasion he got drunk and sneaked random men in the house while he was supposed to be watching his younger siblings while I worked nights. They believed him. FML

agreeclassic 3 404

vote type 1 278

Today, I dropped a knife while cooking. Luckily it missed my foot, but only because it hit my knee. FML

agreeclassic 26 423

vote type 1 4 305

Today, I spilled some milk on my laptop. I was pretty sure it would be fine as it was only a bit of milk. While cleaning the residue, I knocked a whole bucket of water into the insides of the laptop. RIP Macbook. FML

agreeclassic 13 267

vote type 1 34 915

Today, I attended my husband's funeral and my son carried out the eulogy, which basically turned into a character assassination, ending with "and I hope Hell is hot enough for you, old man." Almost our entire family agreed with every word he said. FML

agreeclassic 1 840

vote type 1 585