The Top

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Fit as a fiddle

By Dontsitsitandyoudie - 02/05/2017 14:00 - Iceland - Reykjavík

Today, I went to sit on a desk chair, which promptly rolled out from under me. This made me fall on my own foot, literally shattering two bones. I just bought a 9-month gym membership and can't use it because I wanted to sit down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 160

You deserved it 426

By not as easy as pie - 16/10/2015 16:03 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to explain to a police officer that I wasn't drunk and had swerved because I was eating pie and almost dropped it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 235

You deserved it 21 380

Down in the dumps

By WTF - 15/10/2015 04:43 - United States - Bloomington

Today, I was dumped by my girlfriend because she wanted to be with a man who has an income and a stable career. We are seniors in college and I accepted a really good job offer which I start once I graduate, which she knows about. She dumped me for a drug dealer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 056

You deserved it 2 176

It wasn't me, or him

By ev_lyn_aw - 17/05/2017 04:00

Today, today while walking my dog in a different part of town, a man ran screaming out of his house, and threw a plastic bag at me. It was dog poop. It was the first time I'd ever walked in front of his house with my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 904

You deserved it 292

By Lenny_R - 08/12/2016 19:53

Today, I got pulled over for having an expired registration. I also found out my husband hasn't been paying for my car insurance. Luckily, I didn't get arrested because I had my baby with me. They towed my car and gave me 2 tickets and a court date. Oh, and the cop sent me a friend request. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 441

You deserved it 907

By Pierced - 30/05/2017 18:00

Today, my mother accused me of getting another lip piercing done on the sly to spite her. She finally realised I have more than one and won't believe I've always had two. Thanks for noticing, mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 124

You deserved it 447

By Kml - 14/11/2016 12:31

Today, and like every year, my godmother sent me a card asking me why I never call her, and why we don't go out on my birthday. Six years ago, she told me on my birthday I was going to hell for moving with my boyfriend and then sprayed me with perfume. He is now my husband, and she claims she forgot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 480

You deserved it 734

By Oh No... - 05/07/2019 16:00

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend filmed a video about violence in sexual relationships for a class. I expected a monologue kind of thing. She then told me it was an example video of an encounter with a male classmate. She showed me. It’s pretty much porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 432

You deserved it 246

My eyes! My eyes!

By bleach for my eyes please - 07/03/2021 17:01

Spicy

Today, I found out the hard way that my sister has an OnlyFans. Not judging sex workers, I just really wish I’d know she goes by a stage name before I opened the clip. The things I’ve seen… FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 636

You deserved it 444

By Anonymous - 11/09/2015 10:51 - United States - Pleasantville

Today, while blissfully unaware that it was the anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, I was making paper airplanes during my free period in school. Next thing I know, I was reported for, "making jokes about the 9/11 attacks." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 489

You deserved it 8 870

By Sarah_Mow - 28/10/2016 02:31

Today, I was changing my tampon in a public bathroom. As I was about to put the tampon into the sanitary bin, I dropped it and it rolled under the stall next to mine. It was occupied. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 448

You deserved it 1 135

By Anonymous - 06/09/2015 04:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I told my best friend she looked great in the dress she was wearing. My boyfriend overheard and is now convinced I'm a lesbian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 681

You deserved it 2 163

By Ican'tgotoschoolapparently - 07/10/2016 07:18 - United States - Vancouver

Today, I found out after $200 worth of checks and tests, three rugs being ruined from her peeing and pooping on them, that my cat isn't sick. She just has really bad separation anxiety. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 395

You deserved it 1 190

Late night

By MouseLover.. - 30/09/2016 04:06 - United States

Today, I placed sticky mouse traps in my bedroom. it's now 12:05 a.m. and I've successfully caught a mouse. Too bad I'm scared of them and my husband is passed out asleep. I now get to listen to a mouse squeak all night and have to be up in 4 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 919

You deserved it 6 572

By Anonymous - 24/08/2015 18:08 - United States - East Northport

Spicy

Today, I was unaware that me losing my virginity was also breakup sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 155

You deserved it 3 242

By GlueAndCarrots - 20/08/2015 02:38 - Canada - Markham

Today, I told my daughter that we were going to the beach. Today, my daughter also tried to dig up our deceased dog, who we buried in our back yard last week, so he could come along. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 162

You deserved it 1 811

By brhorton02 - 06/04/2009 14:42 - United States

Today, I was waitering at the restaurant that I work at when I collected a credit card bill that was worth $120 and a big zero on the tip line. Angered, I turned to a co-worker and said "I knew this asshole wasn't going to tip me." The guy was standing right behind me with $30 in his hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 489

You deserved it 166 775

By Pisspants - 17/09/2016 04:39 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was at work and I needed to pee. In my haste, I forgot to lock the door. A coworker walked in on me and I bolted up mid-stream to slam the door back shut. I had pee down my leg and pee squishing in my shoes for the rest of the day. I can still remember his tone of voice, yelling, "Sorry"! FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 162

You deserved it 2 850

By RetailScapegoat - 16/09/2017 20:00

Today, I was fired for job abandonment. Yesterday, my boss told me to go home early because we were so slow. After I reminded him, he laughed and said, "Oh yeah... You're still fired." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 565

You deserved it 268

By homersgirl - 30/09/2009 08:28 - United States

Spicy

Today, after an amazing sex session, my boyfriend rolls over and stares lovingly into my eyes, puts his hand on my cheek caressing it tenderly... and says "Who's a good piggy?" in his best Homer Simpson's voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 377

You deserved it 5 136

First time?

By Kiss-a-thon - 27/07/2016 10:01 - Germany

Today, I finally got together with this great guy I've had a crush on for a while. He told me before that he is quite inexperienced, which usually doesn't bother me at all. Turns out "inexperienced" translates to "I will include your nose and chin in our kissing" in this case. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 973

You deserved it 2 222

By Brad - 08/03/2009 05:33 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for someone else. An hour earlier I had just gotten permission from her dad to propose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 157 420

You deserved it 7 542

By mulligan - 07/07/2016 17:38 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I'll be moving to a different state in a few months for a new job. He now refers to me as his "girlfriend for now". FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 896

You deserved it 2 840

By squizzlebee - 30/06/2016 11:58 - United Kingdom - York

Today, I went out for drinks to mark the end of my current job. I invited all my colleagues to join me so I could say goodbye to them all. I even changed the date to a day that suited more people and the location to a place I knew they all preferred. Only one person showed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 656

You deserved it 1 449

squizzlebee tells us more.

squizzlebee 19

Thursday 30 June 2016 22:24

Holy wow, I never expected this to get published! Thanks for all your comments, they're both making me laugh and appreciate what I do have :) Just for a bit of clarification, I worked in a clothing store and we'd see a fair few people come and go over time, and whenever one of us left (especially if they'd been there for longer than a year) there'd usually be some kind of informal gathering at a local bar to see them off. I'd been there for coming up to two years so I was hoping for a bit more of a turn out, but obviously people are busy with their own stuff! (The Brexit comments made me laugh :P) I did end up having a nice time with the one girl who showed up, she was one of the ones I felt was more of a friend than a colleague and so it was a rather nice evening overall :) And yes I do have a somewhat better job lined up so all good in the end really!

It's the thought that counts, right?

By Anonymous - 22/12/2019 18:00

Spicy

Today, I decided to buy my Chinese Studies professor a gift from Taiwan, so I got her a mini-Taiwanese passport that said "Republic of China" on it. As it turns out, it was actually a two-pack of travel condoms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 267

You deserved it 2 992

By dammitRandy - 19/06/2016 17:18 - United States - Kearny

Today, we had a fish fry for Father's Day. I ended up getting a fish bone lodged in my tonsil, and I had to rush to the bathroom to pull it out. I threw up three times in the process and still didn't manage to get the bone out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 071

You deserved it 1 120

What goes up…

By Anonymous - 27/01/2013 11:10 - United States - Grand Junction

Today, the rollercoaster I was on stuck upside down for a few minutes. I shat myself in terror. Then, gravity took effect. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 791

You deserved it 10 809

Call CPS!

By Daddo - 20/03/2018 14:00 - United States - Elkhart

Today, picking up my children from school, I overheard some kids saying what a rotten person their dad was, and how they hated him. It was my kids talking to their friends about me! Why? Because I didn't buy them a bag of jelly beans the day before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 249

You deserved it 426

By Failsafe - 09/05/2016 14:35 - United States - Newark

Today, I worked up the courage to ask out the girl I liked. I got her a nice bracelet for her birthday and asked her on a date when I gave it to her. "Aww, you're so sweet!" was the response to the gift. Her response to the date proposal? "Wait, you aren't gay?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 670

You deserved it 1 450

By howdoesthatmakesense - 02/05/2016 20:05 - United States - San Francisco

Spicy

Today, we were doing research on contraceptives in class. Afterwards, the girl next to me starts explaining how "cringey" and "grossed out" she gets when she sees/hears "the words for the private parts." She then tells me all about her getting her period that morning in explicit detail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 492

You deserved it 1 113

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The Top

The Top

Today, my now ex-fiancée confessed that "our" child is most likely actually hers and my father's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 954

You deserved it 1 673

Today, I went outside to start jogging for improving my ever declining fitness. A kind stranger yelled, “You’re doing great!” as I was wheezing after my first block. I was sitting on a bench. FML

I agree, your life sucks 363

You deserved it 107

Today, I caught my boyfriend masturbating, again. Meanwhile we haven’t had sex in weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 010

You deserved it 479

Today, my grandmother is coming over to my family's house to stay for about a week or so. Apparently, the guest room window isn't big enough for her dream catcher, so she wants her cat to sleep in the guest room and she wants to sleep in my room. My parents support this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 517

You deserved it 3 868

Today, my husband finally returned from his 18-month deployment. Sexually starved, we wasted no time getting busy. Later as we finally cooled off, I got a message from my Aunt. She was hiding in our closet the whole time to surprise us with cake for his safe return. FML

I agree, your life sucks 87 057

You deserved it 7 946

Today, I cheated on a math test by writing a couple of equations on my hand. Totally satisfied, I handed my test in, feeling like I had aced it. As I was heading toward the door, I happily waved goodbye to my teacher. She saw everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 931

You deserved it 209 028