The Top

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Will you…

By why - 17/08/2013 14:18 - United States - Lexington

Today, we were having a family dinner with my boyfriend's parents and mine. In the kitchen, when we were getting the food ready, he proposed. I screamed. My dad thought he was hurting me, came in and tased him in the leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 577

You deserved it 7 398

By lollipopgreen - 01/10/2011 12:33 - United States

Today, I walked into a gas station to get a bag of chips. Upon moving towards the counter to pay, I noticed the cashier had what looked like a golf ball stuffed in his cheek. I said to him in a joking manner, "That's a huge pinch of dip!" His reply, "It's mouth cancer." FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 625

You deserved it 51 737

By fucking pissants - 13/07/2012 19:08 - United Kingdom

Today, I sold yet another £100 bottle of lotion to a stuck-up teenage fashionista with less brain-power than the yapping bastard of a dog she carried in her arms. She did nothing but brag the whole time about her jewelry, and openly mocked me for only making minimum wage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 762

You deserved it 2 925

Woof woof

By kjdhfakjs - 20/05/2010 18:32 - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he started pretending he was a dog. This included barking, licking my face, and scratching his ears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 468

You deserved it 6 714

By Anonymous - 28/09/2013 04:08 - United States - Bloomdale

Today, my husband and I switched phones by accident. I've already received several naked pictures from one of his co-workers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 805

You deserved it 4 408

By Anonymous - 29/07/2012 05:27 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I learned that if you go through your best friend's phone, you can find sexy texts and nude pictures between him and your girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 092

You deserved it 5 080

By H-B - 28/04/2009 08:53 - United States

Today, I went out with a girl who I really love. We arrived to her house and before she got out of the car, I attempted to kiss her as planned. Still drunk, I grabbed her head and twisted it when I kissed her. She's now wearing a neck brace. Real smooth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 605

You deserved it 88 999

By Anonymous - 24/10/2012 18:26 - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend from 5 years back. Still bitter, I said, "Hey baby, you remember riding me 5 years ago?" I was then punched in the face and restrained until the police arrived. She'd been having an 8 year anniversary dinner with her husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 566

You deserved it 52 932

Priorities

By Nutellalover - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Germany - Hennef

Today, I realized that I spend the same amount of money on my phone bill as I do on Nutella. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 797

You deserved it 29 464

Boosted

By Shelbs - 05/11/2011 23:35 - United States

Today, I went to get the vaccination my college requires of all students. The nurse looked at my charts and told me there was good and bad news. The good news was that I didn't need the shot. The bad news was I needed four others. Now, both of my arms are swollen enough to make Popeye proud. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 503

You deserved it 3 826

Family values

By this is impossible - 05/01/2016 00:21 - United States - Norristown

Today, my dad sat me and my sister down and give us a "talk". More like an angry irrational rant. He forbade us from being gay, marrying a Muslim or a black person, demanded kids from both of us, and threatened to disown us if we didn't. Where's my free will? FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 495

You deserved it 2 427

By Mouhahaa - 09/05/2012 03:48 - France

Today, my wife stabbed my hand with a fork, making it bleed. I'd only tried to take some fries from her plate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 408

You deserved it 383

By jordeshting - 22/06/2011 15:28 - United Kingdom

Today, I complimented a girl on her stockings pattern. Turns out she wasn't wearing stockings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 727

You deserved it 8 616

By MattBC97 - 27/03/2012 16:24 - United States - Aurora

Today, I got more happy birthday wishes on my porn account than my Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 041

You deserved it 31 018

MattBC97 tells us more.

MattBC97 4

Wednesday 28 March 2012 6:55

DAMN IT now I got more Happy Birthday wishes on FML than my **** account... Shit.

By DUMMIE - 04/03/2010 00:07 - United States

Today, we were working with infant and adult CPR dummies. After practising flawless CPR on the adult dummy, I announced "And that's how you save someone." Then I tripped on the baby dummy and fell. My co-worker stood up and yelled out, "And that's how you kill a baby." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 655

You deserved it 30 320

Kinda cute

By anon - 09/09/2013 15:15 - United States - Mantua

Today, I woke up and found $30 slipped under my door with a note that read, "Please buy yourself a quieter vibrator. - Mom and Dad." FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 436

You deserved it 26 029

By jlover42 - 01/05/2009 21:07 - United States

Today, I forgot my inhaler. I had an asthma attack and had to go to the ER. The doctors told me it wasn't an asthma attack. It was just a panic attack from worrying about whether I would get an asthma attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 876

You deserved it 18 353

By jerkgirl - 08/04/2009 05:18 - United States

Today, while getting my hair done, I was annoyed that the beautician was not paying attention while straightening my hair. After asking her three times to watch what she was doing, I grabbed the iron and said "let me do it, you're going to burn me!". I then burned two layers of skin off my ear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 747

You deserved it 113 312

By magnolia - 14/07/2010 02:10 - United States

Today, I accidentally filled the lemonade machine with margarita mix that already had the tequila mixed in. It was served to three kids before anyone figured it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 406

You deserved it 42 662

By Junior - 26/01/2010 07:35 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because of my dad constantly hitting on her. Not because she was disgusted, but because she wants to date him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 748

You deserved it 2 967

Roleplay

By Anonymous - 16/10/2012 12:36 - United States - Battle Creek

Today, I tried role playing with my boyfriend. As I came out in sexy lingerie, I announced, "I'm Natalia, a Russian spy fluent in 2 languages: Russian and your cock." He laughed so hard he practically pissed himself. The night ended in me doing his laundry. Alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 123

You deserved it 20 598

By Anonymous - 22/10/2011 04:07 - United States

Today, while cooking with my girlfriend, I thought it would be funny to slap her with a raw porkchop. She thought it would be funny to throw the hot cooking grease on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 436

You deserved it 54 882

By Username - 03/08/2011 14:33 - United States

Today, I got an anonymous letter, stating my condo's community and all my neighbors can hear me having sex. Not only that, but kids gather around my window to listen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 705

You deserved it 37 626

A night to remember

By Donzai - 30/03/2009 22:17 - Canada

Today, I was at my boss's house for a company BBQ. Earlier I had taken muscle relaxants to calm my lower back pain. After a few drinks it was clear the alcohol and medication did not mix. I woke up few hours later to find out I had stripped naked and jumped into the 4-foot cake before passing out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 518

You deserved it 81 286

If the shoe fits…

By Bruce - 17/08/2010 17:09 - United States

Today, I discovered a bat in my new apartment. I found him in my shoe… with my foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 719

You deserved it 3 658

By what434 - 08/03/2010 13:19 - United States

Today, I learned that you don't put your diamond earrings on over your bathroom sink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 292

You deserved it 44 570

By leftwardfoil - 19/08/2011 06:32 - United States

Today, I woke up to my roommate sniffing my underwear. He said he was checking if they were clean, so he could borrow them later. Which may have been reasonable, if I weren't still sleeping in them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 625

You deserved it 3 406

By Anonymous - 26/04/2009 21:50 - United States

Today, after driving a few hours late at night I decided to entertain the car tailgating me by not letting him pass. After doing this for 3miles, reaching 93MPH, I decided to let the car pass me. When I switched lanes, the car tailgating me light up in red and blue. It was a cop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 182

You deserved it 97 207

By Anonymous - 04/11/2009 19:02 - Germany

Today, I was at the McDonalds drive-thru getting my morning coffee, when some guy slammed into the back of my car. I'm so happy I was holding the cup between my legs at that very moment, because now I have 2nd degree burns on my lady parts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 517

You deserved it 7 328

Lonely

By reddd - 10/05/2012 06:44 - United States

Today, I purposely wore a red shirt to Target just so people would talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 018

You deserved it 11 438

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

Today, I was brushing my teeth in my bathroom. As I looked in the mirror, I spotted a zit on my forehead. Keeping my toothbrush in my mouth, I quickly leaned in towards the mirror to pop the pimple, meanwhile lodging my toothbrush down my throat. I temporarily can't talk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 769

You deserved it 44 256

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her huge, ex-Marine father took me out back, saying he wanted to show me something. That something was a machete. He savagely buried it in a tree stump and said, "Son, if you break my daughter's heart, that'll be your dick." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 377

You deserved it 6 610

Today, I left on a 2 month trip. I was in a hurry to pack so I wouldn't miss my plane. There were 2 piles of clothes on my bed. One pile was clothes that didn't fit to take to a thrift store, one was to take with me. Guess which one I brought? FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 603

You deserved it 58 328

Today, after working for over a decade at the same place, I was formally written up with two days of leave without pay for refusing to work extra overtime. I've been working over 80 hours a week for four months now and even cancelled some very important plans so I could work every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 539

You deserved it 92

Today, my ex-boyfriend, with whom I've stayed friends with, begged me to accompany him to the hospital, and act like we are still in love and are now engaged in front of his dying grandmother, who once greatly supported our relationship. We both witnessed her last moments, and her last words to us: "…who the hell are you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 397

You deserved it 106

Today, I had lunch with friends I hadn't seen in years. We took a few group shots with my camera, and I went home and downloaded them to my computer. Seeing them on my monitor, I noticed a yellow spot on my black shirt, so I looked down. A big, dried booger was stuck there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 210

You deserved it 10 822