Wanker and Intimacy: Scheduling

Scheduling

By Anonymous - 20/07/2010 04:53 - United States

Today, I moved into my new apartment and met my new roommate. Immediately after shaking hands he suggested that we make a "masturbation schedule" to avoid any awkward situations. Way to avoid an awkward situation. FML

agreeclassic 44 258

vote type 1 4 233

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Great

By Jordan - 10/08/2018 14:00 - United States - Boulder

Today, I met the guy who will be my dorm roommate for the fall semester. One of the first things he said was, "By the way, I'm into self-massage, so don't get weirded out if you hear noises coming from my room a lot." Great. FML

agreeclassic 3 027

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By mrboston - 01/09/2009 23:44 - United States

Today, my college roommate whom I've never met moved in. Good thing I wasn't completely naked, playing with myself on the couch when he walked in. That would've been awkward. FML

agreeclassic 11 651

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By awkward O_o - 24/04/2013 21:15 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I found out that my roommate has a masturbation problem; the problem is that he does it in my bed. FML

agreeclassic 65 831

vote type 1 4 930

Why would you say that?

By Rowaelin16 - 23/08/2016 02:50 - United States - Chicago

Today, my family and I finally moved out of our apartment, and into a more accommodating house. However, as we were leaving, my brother leans over and whispers in my ear, "I've masturbated in every room of that apartment, but it was the best in your room." We've lived there for 3 years. FML

agreeclassic 19 070

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Roommates from hell

By Anonymous - 09/11/2022 04:00

Today, my roommate is super comfortable around me. Comfortable enough to masturbate while we are in the same room. I asked him to stop, which took some self-control because I wanted to shout at him. He said he needs to do it because of his shin splints. Whatever. FML

agreeclassic 1 475

vote type 1 214

You know what I mean?

By Anonymous - 06/04/2022 22:00

Today, I accidentally texted my new housemate saying, “Hey, wanna get freaky before moving in tomorrow morning?” It was supposed to say “breaky”, as in "breakfast." This should be nice and awkward. FML

agreeclassic 455

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Gagging for it

By Anonymous - 20/02/2023 14:00 - United States - Cleveland

Today, my roommate spends so much time in our dorm room that I got a boner when I heard him leaving for class, because it was my first chance in days to jack off in peace. FML

agreeclassic 940

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By Lizofsmeg - 11/05/2012 05:03 - United States

Today, I was at my new boyfriend's flat. As I came out of the toilet he walked over, took my hand, looked at me and whispered, "You washed your hands. Good." in an extremely creepy manner. FML

agreeclassic 23 232

vote type 1 3 233

Nice to put a face to the screaming!

By dormlyfe - 24/09/2015 02:23 - United States - Moraga

Today, I met new people at my dorm, only to find they already knew me because they listen to my boyfriend and me have sex all the time. FML

agreeclassic 18 044

vote type 1 22 939

By damn - 09/04/2014 21:12 - United States - Kenton

Today, I witnessed my roommate telling a girl that he has "really healthy shits". I wanted to make fun of him, but he got laid by said girl and I went home to jerk off. FML

agreeclassic 49 503

vote type 1 8 041

allmidnighteyes 10

Tuesday 20 July 2010 12:11

**** the schedule, everything's more fun when done together!

guyfromnm 0

Tuesday 20 July 2010 12:17

at least he thinks ahead.

Comments

myztical 2

Sunday 6 May 2012 22:32

Eeewww

SanAndreas997 7

Thursday 19 July 2012 20:57

Circle jerk anyone?

commentgirl 8

Sunday 22 December 2013 23:17

*puts on Finnish accent* See! Totally awkward!

cwl727 32

Sunday 13 April 2014 0:09

seems like a good idea

Lufgow 7

Saturday 7 February 2015 21:41

Haha that is ridiculously funny.

martiniweenie 10

Sunday 18 October 2015 1:56

me in the day between 3 to 9 him between 9am to 3pm

dannnngthatsux 19

Friday 12 February 2016 18:10

Was his name Sheldon?

ATPR_4 9

Monday 15 August 2016 4:29

Well that's very considerate of him ahaha

AlienPickle 10

Saturday 13 July 2019 1:27

But are you a girl or a guy? 🤔

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Keywords

Miscellaneous My ex Stalker Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Sex Intimacy Suspicious Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Top

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agreeclassic 32 568

vote type 1 3 143

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agreeclassic 2 968

vote type 1 934

Today, I went to the movies. Not only did the movie end up being awful, but I came to my car to find out someone drew Squidward from SpongeBob, with large letters spelling, "I LIKE POTATOES!" on my windshield. In permanent marker. FML

agreeclassic 32 309

vote type 1 3 265

Today, our internet is down so I told my daughter to watch a DVD instead. She looked at me dead in the face and asked what a DVD was. To think I even remember VHS tapes. Damn I’m getting old. FML

agreeclassic 707

vote type 1 155

Today, my husband was being obnoxious, so I jokingly sprayed him with the dish hose. The floor got wet, and he slipped and busted his knees. Our daughter rushed over to him to see if he was OK, then slipped and busted her head on the floor. FML

agreeclassic 13 821

vote type 1 7 260

Today, I finally found out why all three of my roommates were ignoring me. They like to disinfect everything every time they use it, and I don't. They had a problem with that, so they were hoping that by not talking to me, I'd "notice something was wrong and change." FML

agreeclassic 8 932

vote type 1 883