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    : 320



    Night fight

    FistFighter - 09/04/2011 04:01 - United States

    Today, after getting up to press snooze on my alarm clock, I climbed back into bed. When I went to reach for the covers quickly because I was cold, I missed, yet still managed to pull back my fist with force punching myself in the face. I now have a bloody fat lip. FML
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    Anonymous - 26/01/2014 00:33 - United States - Durham

    Today, I told my friend I would pay him to ask out the ugliest girl he knew. He asked out my girlfriend. FML
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    Jo - 21/11/2012 05:42 - United States - Los Angeles

    Today, I went to the Apple store to try and figure out what's going on with my iPhone. After an hour of speaking to three different geniuses and waiting around, their solution was to "Google it." FML
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    zed - 09/09/2012 17:21 - Canada - Edmonton

    Today, I took a girl out to dinner. Halfway through, she sighed and asked if it was all an episode of Disaster Date. FML
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    Anonymous - 25/08/2015 06:49 - United States

    Today, while in line at the supermarket, I told the lady behind me that she had a cute baby. She shot me a disgusted look and straight up accused me of being a pedophile. FML
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    holyshitbatman - 09/11/2012 04:53 - United States - Toledo

    Today, I started dating a seemingly normal guy. Not even four hours into our relationship, he began telling me that he can see spirits, dead people, and that I have a large black dog following me everywhere I go. FML
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    Anonymous - 25/01/2012 02:58 - United States

    Today, the office tough guy learned how to use the fire extinguisher. On me. I wasn't on fire. FML
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    communistgirl - 24/01/2012 16:42 - United States

    Today, I had to do community service work, so I helped out at a senior center. One of the confused elderly patients, who believed the Cold War was still on, thought I was a Soviet and started screaming about how I was going to nuke his country. FML
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    grossfoot - 31/08/2010 06:14 - United States

    Today, while getting on the subway, I tripped over the gap between the train and the platform. My flip-flop caught on the edge, and fell into the gap. I had to walk home with one flip-flop. FML
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    Anonymous - 19/12/2011 01:52 - Canada

    Today, I went with my friend door-to-door selling chocolates. We went to the first house, and the guy decided to buy a chocolate from each of us. He didn't have change and neither did we, so he just took the chocolates and slammed the door in our face. FML
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    Anonymous - 18/10/2015 14:23 - United States - Marshall

    Today, I found my daughter's fanfiction account. I need a new pair of eyes, or brain bleach, or both. FML
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    Lisa - 19/09/2011 02:07 - United States

    Today, after being dumped by my boyfriend of two years, I poured my heart out to my dad. He nodded and looked sympathetic throughout. Afterwards, I asked him what I should do. He replied, "How the hell should I know?" and awkwardly left my room. FML
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    Monday madness

    socks - - United States

    Today, I noticed I'd mislaid one half of the "Monday" pair of socks from my "Days of the week" set that were a gift for my birthday. I'm slightly OCD. I think I'm going to rip the floorboards up if I don't find it. FML
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    Anonymous - 08/04/2012 18:55 - United States - Perris

    Today, I realized the reason my 20-year-old daughter has been so moody and aggressive is because she missed the promotional My Little Pony toys at McDonald's. FML
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    Michael - 25/10/2011 15:00 - Australia

    Today, while taking pills for a headache, I threw my head back to help get the pills down, and in the process, whacked it against the brick windowsill behind me. FML
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    Anonymous - 16/01/2015 01:08 - United States - La Crosse

    Today, I gambled on a fart and lost. FML
    26 941
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    weep weep weep - 12/03/2012 03:04 - United States

    Today, after months of teaching my parrot to speak, he finally demonstrated his abilities. I accidentally set off my smoke detector, and he's been wailing like a dying banshee ever since. FML
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    CessnaPilot - 13/12/2011 03:47 - United States

    Today, I fell off a ladder while building a shelter for one of my wife's horses. I think I broke some ribs. I absolutely hate horses. FML
    26 940
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    Anonymous - 07/11/2015 07:12 - United States - Anchorage

    Today, I hit it off with a girl at a club and I brought her back to my place. I was sure I was finally going to score, until my useless cat attacked her as we walked upstairs. She fell down the stairs and dislocated her ankle. Just my luck. FML
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    0h_Boy - 20/04/2016 20:03 - United States - Brooklyn

    Today, my wife and I were Skyping, when she decided to put on a "show" for me. Seconds before she was about to climax, we lost internet connection. FML
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    Anonymous - 24/02/2012 08:40 - United States

    Today, I gave myself a hernia while farting. FML
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    Anonymous - 03/09/2010 00:52 - Australia

    Today, I found out that one of my best mates had his backpack, clothes, and everything else in it stolen at an airport overseas. I was feeling sorry for him all day. It took me 9 hours to remember that I actually loaned him my backpack for his trip. FML
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    bels12 - 05/01/2010 05:15 - Australia

    Today, I bought a new Siamese Fighting Fish. I was so happy with my new fish so I bought him an expensive lovely bowl, some weeds, and a toy for the bowl. I left the room to get the fish food. When I returned, the fish was gone, and the cat was sitting on the table. FML
    26 933
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    day001313 - 07/04/2012 04:32 - United States - Albany

    Today, I was house-sitting for some friends of my grandparents while they are out of town. While I was in the shower, the dog decided to take my dirty underwear and run. There is now a pair of lacy, black underwear hidden somewhere this giant house, and they return tomorrow. FML
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    Anonymous - 16/07/2015 19:16 - United States

    Today, I saw my friend at the mall. He didn't see me, so I called him to say "Turn around." He took one look at his phone, snorted loudly enough for me to hear from way off, and put it back in his pocket. FML
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    Pleased to meet you

    Anonymous - 25/08/2012 00:20 - United Kingdom - Manchester

    Today, a thirty-something guy swaggered into my workplace. He was wearing shutter shades and torn jeans, and claimed to be our new boss. I called security to throw him out, at which point he produced his ID and let me know I'd be attending an employee review session next week. FML
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    PerpetuallyHappy - 25/09/2012 23:20 - United States - Rochester

    Today, I got sent to the principal's office because my Dad decided that instead of signing his name, he would sign, "Ms. Bigtits", because he wanted to make sure the teachers were paying attention to what their students handed in. FML
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    Anonymous - 11/06/2012 11:18 - United States

    Today, I put the little boy I nanny for in time-out. In retaliation he blasted an air horn in my face. I can only hear out of one ear now. FML
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    anonymous - 11/06/2015 14:37 - Canada - Calgary

    Today, my boyfriend and I were downtown when he pointed to a girl and said he wished I dressed more like she did. She was obviously a hooker. FML
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    djoe - 28/10/2010 12:00 - Australia

    Today, I was patting my kitten who was asleep underneath the blanket on my lap. My roommate walked in and gave me disgusted look. She thought I was playing with myself. FML
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    Today, I was on an airplane and had to go to the bathroom. The guy next to me was asleep and blocking the aisle. I tapped him on the shoulder, and he responded by punching me in the stomach. FML
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    Today, for the first time ever, my family bought a real Christmas tree instead of using our old fake one. Today, I also found out I'm allergic to Christmas trees. My family won't get rid of it because they paid so much for it and intend to "get their money's worth". FML
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    Today, my girlfriend and I have literally had our genitals in each other’s mouths and tongues in each other’s ass cracks, yet when I used her toothbrush, I’m gross and nasty, and deserve a sex ban for two weeks. How does this make sense? FML
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    Today, I woke up at noon after barely sleeping. I've been diagnosed with sleeping disorders, so this isn't out of the ordinary. The issue is, my boyfriend doesn't think it's a big deal, and is mad at me for wanting to stay in bed after he got up. FML
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    Today, at work, a woman demanded a refund for a video game. She had no receipt, so due to company policy, I couldn't refund her. She reacted by loudly accusing me of being racist, then yelled that she'd see me in court as she finally stormed out. FML
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    Today, I had been practicing for a solo in a choir I’m in. I finally got it down and was all ready to audition. On audition night, the choir director let me try out, then decided all the sopranos should sing it. FML
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