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Precious memories

By Mangler - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Belgium

Today, my grandfather died. The last thing he said to me was, "You smell awful." I work in a fish store. FML

agreeclassic 47 645

vote type 1 5 348

Scarred for life

By Gabby125 - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I got back from a three week trip in the Alaska back-country. I survived climbing fatally steep mountains, white water rafting in a freezing glacier river, and a near bear attack. Despite all that, a badly thrown frisbee managed to split my eyebrow in half. FML

agreeclassic 27 977

vote type 1 4 404

Double trouble

By Monika - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my identical twin sister got in trouble for sneaking out of the house to see her boyfriend. My father decided to ground both of us, because it would be "too confusing" for him otherwise. FML

agreeclassic 66 076

vote type 1 5 166

Panic!

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Marsing

Today, I told my boyfriend that I've missed my period, and that I think I might be pregnant. He started panicking and ended up puking in the toilet. FML

agreeclassic 47 788

vote type 1 12 438

Daddy

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Netherlands

Today, my little girl spoke her first word. It was ''Daddy." Daddy left before she was born and she has never met him before. FML

agreeclassic 49 428

vote type 1 5 070

Last splash

By sicktomystomach - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, during lunch at school, a wave of nausea came over me. I ran to the bathroom and made it just in time. As I was throwing up, I set off the toilet's automatic flush and my vomit came flying back into my face. FML

agreeclassic 71 228

vote type 1 5 293

Racing stripes

By Wannabees - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I decided to spray tan myself. Five minutes later, I had to pee, so I did. Not only do I now have two orange stripes on my toilet bowl, but I also have two big white stripes on the back of my thighs. FML

agreeclassic 7 505

vote type 1 38 237

Evil but cute

By WearingOff - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I realized my new kitten is the spawn of the devil. It decided to go get itself stuck in a tree. I tried to climb up to rescue it. But it kept climbing higher. I was about to grab the cat when I fell. The cat then jumped down and started purring. FML

agreeclassic 46 707

vote type 1 8 993

It's just windy

By m…… - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - South Whitley

Today, my mom's intense fear of tornadoes caused her to break into the bathroom, drag me off the toilet while I was changing my tampon, and drag me to the basement with my pants around my ankles to join my father, brother, and my brother's best friend. FML

agreeclassic 38 692

vote type 1 2 081

Sketchy

By Notadrinkanddriveidiot - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, some friends and I were pulled over on our way back from a party. We'd had a few drinks, so we tried to play it cool just in case we were over the limit. The cop didn't seem to want to breathalyze us, until my really high friend in the backseat said, "These are not the droids you are looking for." FML

agreeclassic 15 776

vote type 1 47 657

Halloween red flag

By Teaching - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was reading my students' Halloween stories I made them write for my creative writing class in high school. One of my students wrote about attacking me. She got my street address perfect and everything. FML

agreeclassic 45 389

vote type 1 4 596

Sorry not sorry

By Klamp18 - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I attached fifteen-pound weights to each foot so I could burn some extra calories while shoveling snow. My dad asked me to move one of the cars in the driveway. When I put my foot on the gas pedal, I couldn't take it off. I ended up hitting my sister and knocking her into a snow bank. FML

agreeclassic 11 120

vote type 1 54 928

Love language

By gummy bear - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff

Today, trying to be an old-school romantic, I asked my girlfriend, "Where art thou, my love?" via SMS. She replied, "Toilet." FML

agreeclassic 17 662

vote type 1 31 267

Hmmmm…

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my 21 year-old boyfriend asked me what foreplay is. FML

agreeclassic 33 823

vote type 1 5 380

Thanks guys

By MCRxforever - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was taking my dog on a walk when two younger looking boys rode their bikes up towards me. One said, "What about her?" The other boy said, "Nah, she's ugly." FML

agreeclassic 34 211

vote type 1 3 710

I bet you're wondering how I ended up here

By Nekro_Kat - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I got caught trying to steal my own cat back from my neighbor. FML

agreeclassic 35 110

vote type 1 3 961

Blackout

By itsgonnabealongnight... - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was at my grandparents' house, when the power went out. Even though we were supplied with candles and flashlights, we still had to stumble around in the darkness. They'd left both the candles and flashlights in the pitch black, unnavigable basement. FML

agreeclassic 24 678

vote type 1 3 138

Afterthought

By too slow - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I finally worked up the courage to tell my girlfriend we should start seeing other people. She said, "Don't worry, I'm already way ahead of you." FML

agreeclassic 36 626

vote type 1 9 915

You snooze, you lose

By Homeless - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my fiancé and I toured our dream home. I was so excited about it that I posted all kinds of pictures of it on Facebook. My boss's daughter just called and said she loved my pictures so much that she made an offer on the house. We were one week away from making an offer. FML

agreeclassic 53 476

vote type 1 34 751

Welcome to adulthood

By Jane - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Canada - Niagara Falls

Today, I confronted my 18-year-old daughter about her excessively lengthy showers. She said she didn't see the big deal, considering the water "comes free with the house." No dear, it doesn't. FML

agreeclassic 41 304

vote type 1 6 281

Don't pick up

By ticketed - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Bronx

Today, I learned that several thousand people in my state got tickets this month for driving and talking on the phone. My mom called to tell me this while I was driving. I'm now part of that statistic. Thanks, mom. FML

agreeclassic 11 394

vote type 1 37 310

Not now, honey

By rhya4n - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Denmark - Herlev

Today, while I was applying some eyeliner, my cat jumped onto the counter and managed to headbutt me. The wand scratched a good portion of my eyeball, and now for the next few weeks, I will have to deal with the pain of a corneal abrasion. FML

agreeclassic 25 323

vote type 1 3 451

Overjoyed

By madiison09 - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I got a letter from Yale Law School saying I got a 4 year full scholarship. I called my dad crying and read the whole thing… even the bottom of the letter, which said, "April fools' ! Love, Mom and Dad." FML

agreeclassic 65 792

vote type 1 6 624

Fly my beauties

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my first graders released the butterflies we've been raising. The kids were sad that one had died in his cocoon and wouldn't be set free. Turns out that butterfly may have had a better fate: a flock of birds ate half of the others. Immediately after releasing them. In front of the kids. FML

agreeclassic 73 150

vote type 1 5 517

Consistent

By Username - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff

Today, as I was filling out divorce paperwork, I realized that my son has had the same girlfriend through both of my marriages. He's 17. FML

agreeclassic 21 968

vote type 1 57 767

Rotation

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, I found out that my classmates hate me so much that they have a seating arrangement where people have to sit next to me on a rotating basis. A fight broke out yesterday because someone tried to skip their turn. FML

agreeclassic 63 730

vote type 1 17 617

I'm a loser baby

By cooldude - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I got called a "loser" by an old man wearing pink flip-flops and riding a purple moped. FML

agreeclassic 40 446

vote type 1 8 269

FOCUS!

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff

Today, we got a new seating arrangement in my science class. I'm now sitting between two people who have spent the last 20 minutes whispering dirty things to one another. FML

agreeclassic 30 555

vote type 1 2 715

Gig etiquette

By lekijkerd - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Netherlands - Leusden

Today, I went to see my favorite band. It was all amazing and great until I decided to go crowd surfing. I was maybe too heavy because people jumped away instead of catching me. I fell right on my tailbone. FML

agreeclassic 8 761

vote type 1 32 895

Vocab test

By shut up. - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - New Zealand

Today, I was mentioning to a coworker how there was a huge lull today in business. A young coworker then turned to me and sead in a snooty tone, "I think you mean a 'lol', it's pronounced L-O-L." FML

agreeclassic 48 451

vote type 1 3 310

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Keywords

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Top

Today, my girlfriend said to me, "You know, you only have to wash 3 times a week to be clean." FML

agreeclassic 33 555

vote type 1 7 846

Today, I got a text from my dad asking about my car in the shop. I'm trying to show them that I can actually be independent, but now they know that not only will it cost all my savings account to fix it, but also that my boyfriend will be driving me to work for the next month while the shop waits for the parts. FML

agreeclassic 669

vote type 1 159

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a fight. We yelled for 20 minutes and then he put his hands on my neck. Once we'd calmed down, he explained he wanted to strangle me like Homer does Bart, but didn't follow through. This all started when I asked if he read a text I sent earlier in the day. FML

agreeclassic 717

vote type 1 171

Today, the modeling program I'm required to use for school started inexplicably crashing. Reinstalling doesn't even fix it. The company that owns the software doesn't provide students with tech support, and my teacher just told me I won't pass if I can't fix it. FML

agreeclassic 2 127

vote type 1 155

Today, I was working when I delivered the standard "Hello, how are you?" to a customer. He took the opportunity to tell me about his deceased wife, his estranged children, and his anal tearing. After a while, I tried to help someone else, and he complained to my manager. I was written up. FML

agreeclassic 31 698

vote type 1 3 715

Today, it's become clear I might have married the only man on the planet who doesn't care about sex. FML

agreeclassic 2 054

vote type 1 514