The Top

The comments are hilarious! The guy in question is in his 60's, and is one of those one-up anything you say type people who talks all day. I already avoid him at all costs, this is just more reason to. Not sure why it burns, but I would assume something isn't right down there, and it's not something to brag about to coworkers! I will be lysoling my desk on a daily basis!

The chase

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my mother woke me up at 4:30 A.M. to tell me our dog was running down the street. I ran for an hour, chasing after her. Turns out it was our new neighbor's dog. Ours was in our basement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 368

You deserved it 4 260

How ironic

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - New Zealand

Today, I'd gathered enough solid evidence to justify dumping my cheating girlfriend. When I turned up, she broke up with me before I had a chance to confront her. Why? Apparently I have trust issues. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 788

You deserved it 8 548

Whatever floats your boat

By anonymous - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - San Francisco

Today, I went on a first date. I didn't know that licking my neck was on the agenda. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 314

You deserved it 3 642

By TwirlyWhirl - 09/11/2015 08:17 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, at a bar, I overheard two attractive men speaking in French. I went over and tried to introduce myself with what little French I know. They looked at me like I was crazy and then said in English, "What are you doing?" Turns out they weren't speaking French. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 166

You deserved it 10 269

TwirlyWhirl tells us more.

TwirlyWhirl 8

Monday 9 November 2015 21:23

Hey everyone, OP here. This actually happened a few months ago when I was studying abroad in Dublin, Ireland. Yes, I had already had a few drinks. I was also with several other study abroad students who were from Spain and Italy and everyone unanimously agreed that the two men were speaking French. It probably didn't help that we weren't very close to them and it was loud in the bar. The two men were actually from Denmark and they were speaking Danish. I definitely learned my lesson never tried to do anything like that again.

By crop circle galore - 06/09/2014 02:36 - United States

Today, I had to take bus to work, because yesterday my car was hit by a bus. While standing there, I noticed the driver kept looking back at me every now and then. As I went to get off, he looks at me again and says: "Sorry..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 763

You deserved it 3 223

By CB - 19/11/2009 01:30 - New Zealand

Today, I have to go to the dentist to get a tooth capped. Why? Because my room mate knows I sleepwalk and thought it would be funny to put a trip wire across the top of the stairs. It worked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 066

You deserved it 2 501

By JulieKid - 04/05/2009 17:19 - United States

Today, I stepped out of my car and slipped on a fresh coating of ice on the ground. I tried to catch myself by grabbing the car on my way down, but unfortunately, I was trying to grab with the hand that was holding my car keys. I key-scratched my own car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 550

You deserved it 7 812

By notpayedenoughforthisshit - 21/07/2014 21:15 - United States - Boone

Today, for the third time this week, I had to clean up after someone who pissed themselves in the beer aisle at the grocery store where I work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 737

You deserved it 3 437

Addicted

By Anonymous - 07/05/2013 03:27 - United States - Utica

Today, after spending a week defending my marriage to everyone, I found out my husband has an addiction I never knew about. Hookers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 139

You deserved it 7 169

Car washed

By IHateMyJob - 14/09/2010 02:00 - United States

Today, while scrubbing my car with the foam brush at a car wash, the hose for the brush came whipping around and smacked me hard in the side of the head, knocking off my glasses. I got disoriented from the blow and stepped on my glasses, completely smashing them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 730

You deserved it 3 402

Animal sanctuary

By Anonymous - 12/06/2014 00:00 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, my roommate's pets conspired against me. "The dog ate my homework" has apparently become too clichéd for them. The new excuses are, "My cat chewed through my laptop power cable" and "The gecko ate my pen drive." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 678

You deserved it 4 905

By callen5 - 10/03/2012 15:16 - United States

Today, I was talking to my girlfriend over Skype. I said I loved her and hoped we would be together forever. She responded by singing Who Wants to Live Forever into her mic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 959

You deserved it 4 203

By refticon - 06/02/2013 08:45 - Belgium - Antwerp

Today, I went to college on bike through snow and hail only to find out my professor can't make it to class due to the weather. She lives down my street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 086

You deserved it 3 252

refticon tells us more.

refticon 31

Wednesday 25 February 2015 20:27

Hi guys, OP here. I just wanted you to know I've laughed plenty of times over the years remembering your replies ! Here's to you ! Grtz Alex

By svunimportant - 28/05/2015 15:40 - United States - Morehead

Today, my daughter cried for ages after finding out that Nick Amaro was written out of Law and Order: SVU. She barely reacted when I told her that her mom and I are getting a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 307

You deserved it 3 523

Priorities

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, I started having chest pains and shortness of breath. I thought I was having a heart attack and I asked my husband to take me to the hospital. He told me to wait because he'd just ordered a pizza. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 196

You deserved it 3 352

By idonthavelice - 28/02/2010 13:44 - China

Today, while I was standing in the elevator with a few people I just met when I moved in yesterday, I felt something fall on my hair and dusted it off. It was a cockroach. None of them will come within a 1m distance to me now, because they all think I've got lice. Welcome to the building! FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 117

You deserved it 2 418

By Shady_Soldier - 31/10/2013 08:41 - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to get over my lifelong fear of Michael Jackson. I went to have my photo taken with a statue of him. Little did I know, for Halloween week they replace the statues with real people. It jumped out at me; I'm never getting over this fear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 622

You deserved it 7 352

By Anonymous - 16/09/2013 17:42 - United States - Buffalo

Today, my son asked me if slavery was ever abolished. He's 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 900

You deserved it 7 431

Nice, thanks

By sweetnan - 28/08/2013 01:29 - Chile - Santiago

Today, I finally accepted my grandma's friend request on Facebook. I commented on a family photo album she'd uploaded, joking that the quality would greatly improve once she added pictures of me. My comment was met with, "Shut up you sewage rat". FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 329

You deserved it 8 361

Spice

By MouserMan - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - Canada - Olds

Today, after emptying the dishwasher, I noticed something in the back by the drain. It looked like a turkey bone. Upon closer inspection, it was a mouse carcass. I have no idea how many loads of dishes have gone through with it in there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 587

You deserved it 4 404

By dearprudence89 - 10/11/2010 13:16 - United States

Today, I was kicked out of a Family Dollar. My mom thought it would be fun to press all the buttons on the musical ceramic cathedrals so they would all play at the same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 626

You deserved it 3 091

FML on Facebook

Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Awkward Pokémon Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Sex Intimacy Suspicious Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

The Top

Today, I had to lie to my therapist about my sex life to make myself feel better. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 265

You deserved it 6 591

Today, I walked in on my husband eating cat food out of the cat bowl dressed in a cat costume. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 294

You deserved it 6 225

Today, I announced to my boyfriend of 5 years that I was pregnant. He gave me an ultimatum. Either I "get rid of it" because he’s "not ready to be a dad" or he’ll "put me out on the streets." I’m unemployed and have nowhere to go if I keep it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 479

You deserved it 414

Today, I uploaded a new Facebook profile photo, which got over 20 likes in the space of an hour. The most I've ever gotten before was 10. Surprised, I went to check my picture again, only to notice two guys were sarcastically flipping me the bird in the background. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 985

You deserved it 8 475

Today, as always, I have Tourette's syndrome. It causes me to occasionally make a beeping noise. My boyfriend just figured out that if he beeps back, it makes me beep again. He thinks it's hilarious and won't stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 823

You deserved it 214

Today, my duty manager demanded we close the bar early because she wanted to go home. I was subject to abuse from customers for closing early, then shouted at by the duty manager for not being done. My actual bar manager fired me for closing early. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 649

You deserved it 4 194