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Lol. I'm not overweight. I just have meaty thighs. Yet my calves are... veryyy skinny. I do have me some moobs though! Lol. And a bit of a belly. I was trying to be funny not complain about being fat, lol. But its not really that obvious. But you know. Always appreciate these nice comments. (Hint thats sarcasm. Besides the few that were nice.

By newswithabitofbite - 28/08/2014 10:31 - Australia - Richmond

Today, while walking to work, I found out what it feels like to be hit in the face by a rolled up newspaper thrown from the window of a moving car by a paper boy doing his rounds. It hit hard enough to give me a black eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 878

You deserved it 3 232

By gracehi - 10/09/2015 17:45 - United States - San Diego

Today, after studying for hours a day for the past month, sacrificing weekends and time with my husband, I finally took the exam required for a possible promotion at work. Out of over a hundred questions, I only knew the answer to 3 of them for sure. Boy, am I glad I studied so hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 682

You deserved it 4 587

gracehi tells us more.

gracehi 31

Friday 11 September 2015 5:01

YES? I was waiting for someone to say that! I'm guessing you and I are in the same boat. But who knows? Maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both be second classes in a few months.

Noise annoys

By dear god why - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Seattle

Today, my parents were screaming so loud about who clogged the toilet that a neighbor called the police because they thought someone was in danger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 996

You deserved it 3 986

By Faaccckkk - 25/03/2013 14:48 - United States

Today, my boyfriend tried to whimsically serenade me by throwing rocks at my apartment window and singing. He got the wrong window. Another guy answered, and now he thinks I'm cheating on him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 995

You deserved it 3 342

By lectro - 24/11/2008 06:08 - France

Today, I learnt that the girl with whom I've being going out for 6 months has been sleeping with every guy around except one. Guess who? FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 587

You deserved it 3 796

Humble pie

By Anonymous - 10/07/2009 16:46 - United States

Today, I was going to do some laundry, with the washer and dryer I bought off of Craigslist for 150 dollars. The washer leaks and the dryer doesn't dry. So I called the guy and left an angry message about how the washer flooded my kitchen. I'd actually just forgot to hook up the drain hose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 307

You deserved it 62 614

By estallidos - 23/01/2010 05:13 - United States

Today, I got out of the hospital for the second time in a week. The first time was for a seizure that my cat induced by tripping me over. The second was to get stitches from the Doberman that had decided to take over my front yard while I was gone. Apparently I was intruding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 270

You deserved it 2 468

By Shawna - 02/01/2010 01:19 - United States

Today, I got all dressed up for a New Year's party. When my parents and siblings left the house to their parties, I got undressed. I wasn't going to a party. I only got dressed up so my family would think I had plans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 396

You deserved it 7 015

Pranks are evil

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my sister shaved a chunk of my hair off while I was sleeping. I'm getting married in three days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 829

You deserved it 1 664

Let's get loud

By Anonymous - 14/11/2010 07:36 - Reserved

Today, my parents asked me if I had a nice time with my girlfriend at the amusement park I took her to yesterday. She was pretty freaked out by some of the rides so without thinking I said, "Yeah, but she sure is a screamer." My parents then exchange a look and say, "Oh trust us, we know." FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 737

You deserved it 32 244

Toxic much?

By tlm84 - 28/07/2014 02:54 - United States - Fitchburg

Today, while out shopping, I could hear what sounded like two grown men talking about me, and they were being pretty gross. I turned around to scold them and it turned out being a dad and his 13-year-old son. He said he was, "teaching a son to be a man", and that my ass was "grounds for discussion." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 680

You deserved it 5 069

By Wlanla - 02/08/2015 11:39 - Romania - Bacau

Today, my satan-spawn of a step-son proudly showed that he can pee accurately while standing up. I'd be less livid if he hadn't pissed on me while I was asleep in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 776

You deserved it 2 574

By Anonymous - 29/03/2009 04:12 - United States

Today, I heard a little girl saying how much she didnt want braces to her mom because they hurt and make people look ugly. I looked at her and said, "Aww, there not that bad. See, I have them!" I then smiled to show her. She turned to her mom and said, "See!" then started to cry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 311

You deserved it 10 508

By KaylaRox1908 - 08/07/2015 02:45 - Canada - Cambridge

Today, I had to sit through an entire movie where every time a new character was introduced, the guy sitting behind me would say, "My name is Jeff." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 107

You deserved it 2 247

HappyItalian tells us more.

HappyItalian 38

Wednesday 8 July 2015 17:34

The movie was Terminator: Genisys. The theatre was completely full so I couldn't switch seats. The guy was with a friend so they both thought it was hilarious and continued to do it even for the after-credits scene when almost everyone was gone. On a side note, I can't believe out of all the FML's I've posted over the years this is the one that got published, haha. Nice thing to wake up to in the morning before a job interview! (Hopefully that's not another FML waiting to happen)

Jeremy

By alicia75 - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Elkhart

Today, my teacher told us at least 7 different stories about his cat, Jeremy, and how much he eats. And he wonders why we never get anything done in his class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 597

You deserved it 3 637

By Anonymous - 12/06/2015 02:12 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to use the bathroom really badly in a drug store. After I did a #2, just as I realized the handle on the toilet was broken, a knock came at the door. I tried fixing it for ten minutes, before slipping out the door, to come face to face with two employees coming to fix the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 889

You deserved it 2 790

By wtf bro - 20/05/2015 08:45 - Australia - Canberra

Today, my brother babysat for me. He invited his girlfriend around without me knowing, and they were all playing hide and seek together. While he and his girl were hiding, they decided to have a quickie. My three year old found them and saw everything. She won't stop copying their sex noises. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 256

You deserved it 3 647

Biker

By scottskidee - 12/04/2011 17:45 - United States

Today, I had my girlfriend drive me to go buy a motorcycle. I rode it 50 minutes home, got in the drive way, put the kick stand down, and then lost my balance and fell on the other side. I paid $3000 to drop it in the first hour and break the turn signal off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 533

You deserved it 25 095

By Anonymous - 25/11/2012 18:55 - Europe

Today, my dad went through all the trouble of sneaking onto my laptop and photoshopping a bong into my Facebook profile picture, apparently just so he could win a €20 bet with my mom, that hinged on her grounding me by December. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 723

You deserved it 1 741

Snow Day

By iamlauraheremecry - 27/01/2011 05:11 - United States

Today, my power went out due to a huge snow storm. I was in desperate need of candles and flashlights. I had to walk to the store since the roads were closed. I walked 4 miles in the blizzard. When I got home, the power came back on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 022

You deserved it 8 513

By Bob - 21/01/2010 13:33 - Canada

Today, I'm a cashier in a grocery store. The visiting regional manager tore me a new one for being lazy. His reason? After working a double shift with no break, I decided to sit down for a minute when things got slow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 905

You deserved it 2 755

By Singleton - 02/01/2010 00:33 - Canada

Today, it was my birthday dinner with my family. Everyone was making an effort to avoid a certain topic. Later my 5 year old cousin gives me a nice hand drawn card of me and my boyfriend. Apparently no one had the heart to tell her my boyfriend had broken up with me on my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 171

You deserved it 2 858

By Sleep_lover654 - 07/01/2016 06:46 - United States - Tempe

Today, I discovered my dog humping my sister's five month old baby while babysitting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 646

You deserved it 2 717

Sleep_lover654 tells us more.

Sleep_lover654 13

Saturday 9 January 2016 6:29

First of all, Iwanted to thank FML staff for publishing this, I didn't think they would. Anyway, I just wanted to clear up some obvious confusion here. The full story is, of course my sister dropped off her baby at my apartment. Later on, I had left the baby for her nap, naturally leaving the door open as I always saw my sister do. I went into the kitchen to make her bottle and a quick meal for me. I didn't see my dog near me but I thought nothing of it since he is always so well- behaved. Right when I finished, I heard the baby cry out but giggle, so I thought maybe she had gotten one of the toys. Clearly wrong. I went into the room to see my dog had somehow (do not ask how for I do not know) opened her crib, gotten in, and did...well, did that. I had to quickly pry him off of course but unfortunately, the image is burned into my mind.

By OfficeFatty - 30/10/2014 02:41 - United States

Today, my skinny co-worker complained that sitting just underneath the AC vent was making her too cold. My boss had us switch places, because "your mass keeps you warm anyway". FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 775

You deserved it 5 010