The Top

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Creep alert

By Pop_Pies - 03/09/2009 13:27 - Australia

Today, I had been working at the checkout for over five hours. Slightly tired while serving a customer, my eye accidentally twitched and I gave him a wink. He smiled and winked back. When I finished work two hours later he was outside, waiting for me, and followed me to my car, still smiling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 118

You deserved it 4 168

Hazing ritual

By newguy - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, it's my third day at work and the hazing finally began. After a few rounds of "punch the new guy", I thought I would finally be safe because the manager walked into the kitchen. He saw what was going on, picked up a handful of ketchup packets, and began throwing them at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 570

You deserved it 4 878

By Anonymous - 09/08/2009 04:02 - United States

Today, my family and I were coming back from a trip to the US. As we reached the border patrol we realized that we were one passport short. The border patrol lectured us for 30 minutes about how irresponsible we were for not realizing that they had forgotten to give us one of our passports back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 079

You deserved it 8 055

Roadie

By partypooper - 28/07/2009 06:34 - United States

Today, a friend asked me if I could help him set up the stage for his wedding. Feeling honored that he considered me a close enough friend to aid him on his special day, I agreed to help. Turns out we aren't so close. I was asked to leave after I was done because I hadn't actually been invited. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 742

You deserved it 3 051

By sorry :/ - 08/02/2015 18:28 - United States - Monroe Township

Today, my drunk mom told me to apologize for being born. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 100

You deserved it 3 012

By angryinlaws - 12/10/2013 07:23 - Canada - Toronto

Today, after almost 2 days, I finally fell asleep, during my husband's vows, on our wedding day, in front of 250 guests. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 303

You deserved it 12 110

Sorry Pat

By Kronic - 02/07/2009 05:08 - United States

Today, I went shopping with my two sons and my wife. We got separated after a while, and I spotted my son in the video game section of the store. I snuck up behind him and playfully slapped him on the back of the head. The kid turned around and it wasn't my son. His mom was none to happy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 316

You deserved it 48 692

By soccercrazed1520 - 13/01/2010 21:40 - France

Today, I was taking a warm shower when someone in my house flushed the toilet, making the shower extremely hot. In my rush to get out so I wouldn't get burned, I slipped and knocked a tooth out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 318

You deserved it 4 396

By charlieg9 - 30/08/2013 12:33 - United States - East Meadow

Today, I found out that I'm the creepy uncle of the family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 290

You deserved it 15 873

By Anonymous - 16/08/2012 06:33 - United States

Today, my mom asked me if I had any plans to go out tonight. To divert attention, I pretended to be angry and accused her of prying into my social life. Actually, I have no social life and nobody to go out with. My only "big plans" were to finish my Sudoku book. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 145

You deserved it 24 220

Good boy, bad boy

By Anonymoose - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I came home to a half-shaved dog and a laughing third grader. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 015

You deserved it 4 393

By Anonymous - 01/07/2013 05:50 - United States - Austin

Today, as a joke, my friends pushed me into the men's restroom and held the door shut. As I was trying to push the door open, I heard a voice behind me say, "Wow. Immaturity, huh?" I turned to find a guy taking a dump in one of the urinals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 823

You deserved it 3 917

By Anonymous - 29/07/2014 18:15 - United States

Today, I asked my mom why nobody likes me. She reeled off about a dozen reasons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 068

You deserved it 10 001

By SteroidPenguin - 18/05/2013 22:33 - United States - Clifton

Today, I told my dad that I broke up with my first serious girlfriend. He responded by blaring sad breakup songs as loud as he could throughout the house, just to see me "cry like a bitch". FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 478

You deserved it 7 543

By those_allergies - 12/05/2013 05:20 - United States - Bend

Today, I was eating a mystery flavored candy and I had an allergic reaction. Not only did I have to go to the hospital because my throat swelled up, but I still don't know what I'm allergic to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 337

You deserved it 4 330

Free money glitch

By Anonymous - 22/03/2009 01:41 - United States

Today, I went to withdraw 200 dollars. At the ATM, I noticed a suspicious man standing really close to me. I was nervous about entering my pin number, and worried he was looking at my account information. In my panic, I got all the way home before realizing that I'd left the cash in the machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 605

You deserved it 83 482

By ClaustrophobicNightmares - 28/03/2014 08:42 - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Today, I was stuck in the elevator for almost two hours. Where was the elevator mechanic? Next to me in the elevator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 961

You deserved it 3 303

By Puppylove - 26/02/2013 18:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at my friend's house, when she commented that her dog's fur kept getting tangled because of its length. I reached over to tickle his tummy, felt a big tangled knot and agreed that he needed a good grooming. Then I realized what I'd grabbed wasn't fur. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 917

You deserved it 10 299

Well played

By anonymous - 05/03/2014 05:43 - United States - League City

Today, my mom came into my room, yelling at me about a pregnancy test that she found in my bathroom. My mom wouldn't believe me when I said it wasn't mine. Turns out my sister bought the test, threw it under my bathroom cabinet, and now she won't admit to the prank. She thinks this is hilarious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 402

You deserved it 3 645

By Kat - 08/03/2009 05:47 - United States

Today, I bragged to a coworker that our boss compliments me constantly on my work performance, my fashion sense, and my trustworthiness. She then directed me to a "neighborhood watch" website. My boss is a registered sex offender. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 367

You deserved it 8 236

You bastard

By ccgundum - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - Canada - Vancouver

Today, someone hit my parked car. The impact caused the front of the car to go up onto the sidewalk, and I got a ticket for parking there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 063

You deserved it 4 055

By stickyhair - 18/04/2011 04:46 - United States

Today, I was cutting a little boy's hair at the hairdressers where I work. While cutting his bangs, I noticed his forehead was surprisingly warm. When I asked him if he felt OK, he threw up all over my gown. I think he had some broccoli today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 971

You deserved it 3 307

By Anonymous - 01/01/2009 03:49 - France

Today, I went onto my computer and found a cyber sex conversation between my sister and my girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 210

You deserved it 3 163

By cuntsmom - 24/09/2013 04:47 - United States

Today, my niece, who is fifteen, convinced my six-year-old daughter that her name is spelled C-U-N-T, and just pronounced as Catherine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 577

You deserved it 3 465

By moreliketurdmart - 03/06/2013 16:48 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, at the supermarket, a guy started yelling at me for staring at his "woman." She frankly looked like someone had carved Mick Jagger's face into a turd. When I told him I have better things to do than ogle random women, he started harassing me for being "a queer." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 162

You deserved it 5 341

By Colin Jr. - 23/09/2015 13:24 - United States

Today, it's the third week of my dad's midlife crisis. So far he's blown half my college fund pimping out his piece of shit car, keeps texting me meme pictures, and keeps yelling "Savage!" and "Recked!" any time my mom makes a joke at anyone's expense. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 811

You deserved it 1 705

Bedlam

By Snow-White - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Wilmslow

Today, I found a wasp in my kitchen, so I opened the back door and left the room for 10 minutes in the hope that it would fly away. Upon returning, I found that there were now three wasps, a vicious cat, and a very panicked pigeon crashing around the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 996

You deserved it 19 390

Follow instructions

By Anonymous - 30/10/2009 15:36 - United States

Today, I found out that when they put "Take with food" on the side of antibiotics, what they really mean is "Take with food because this stuff is gonna liquefy everything in your G.I. tract, and make you have to run out of the middle of calculus for the worst diarrhea ever." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 339

You deserved it 10 980

Alert!

By DamnDogs - 05/03/2012 10:28 - Canada

Today, I was woken up by my neighbour's dog losing its mind, and I remembered reading a story about someone ignoring a dog and later finding out that their car had been stolen. Paranoid, I went outside to check on mine. Nope. Just the damn dog barking at one thirty in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 620

You deserved it 4 080

By Stixchop - 26/02/2009 23:21 - United States

Today, I went to go get a haircut and I asked how much it was for a haircut, shampoo, and a blow job. I meant to say blow dry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 308

You deserved it 54 918

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The Top

Today, my husband woke me up at 3 AM by putting whipped cream on my hand and tickling my nose with a feather. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 734

You deserved it 9 934

Today, I had a doctor's appointment because I've recently lost weight. I'm already underweight, and I was concerned because the weight loss has been causing some other health concerns to worsen. My doctor's exact words of advice? "Eating food usually leads to weight gain." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 853

You deserved it 361

Today, I realized that I text my boyfriend more than I see him. He's my next door neighbor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 481

You deserved it 38 687

Today, thanks to my wife's confession, I found out that the 14 year old child I've raised since I was 16 isn't related to me at all. But at least this narrows the real father down to one of three other guys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 630

You deserved it 4 314

Today, my wife bitched me out 3 times in a row, for things that were not even my fault: for turning my Xbox on, even though I only nudged the button accidentally with my toe; opening a beer when it was actually a Pepsi for our son, and walking loudly when I "know she has a headache," which I didn’t. FML

I agree, your life sucks 492

You deserved it 136

Today, I felt like letting my ex know just how I felt about all the bullshit he put me through. I dug up his number, typed a long paragraph with lots of pain and emotion, and sent it. The reply was, "No wonder he broke up with you." Thanks, whoever has that number now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 522

You deserved it 46 572