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Here, have a Turner Prize

By RunningMurphy - 15/05/2009 07:20 - United States

Today, at work, some little girl went in the bathroom for quite a while. Came out for two minutes and went back in. She then came out with her finger clutched in a paper towel. One of the other coworkers went in to check the bathroom. The little girl wrote "Hi!" with her own poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 636

You deserved it 2 765

Playing with fire

By Workhorse - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Athens

Today, my boss called me to inform me that I'm being laid off. In my ensuing fit of rage, I deleted the recent project I've been working on for weeks. Pretty soon after, he called me back to let me know it was a prank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 477

You deserved it 17 877

By bloodyLIP - 14/05/2011 19:06 - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that an ice cube is capable of ripping the skin off your bottom lip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 306

You deserved it 14 185

**** off

By Insomniac - 02/02/2012 07:07 - United States

Today, I finally got my stubborn toddler to take an afternoon nap after an hour and a half of wrestling with her. Ten minutes later, a UPS package arrived at my door. The UPS man decided it would be a good idea to ring my doorbell repeatedly in rapid-fire sequence as he was walking away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 256

You deserved it 2 940

By ART - 06/03/2010 08:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a year decided to confess to me that almost everything he has told me in our relationship has been a lie. This includes telling me that he was single when we first met, telling me that he loved me, and telling me that I was beautiful. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 529

You deserved it 3 165

By Anonymous - 10/08/2009 16:31 - United States

Today, I found out why my boyfriend gets so upset when I make jokes about him and his best guy friend being lovers. It's because they are. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 713

You deserved it 9 101

By AdamwithanA - 11/10/2012 03:36 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I was walking home when I saw an elderly woman struggling with a large bag of garbage. I asked if I could help. I got it all the way to the dumpster and the bag ripped. Inside were about fourteen dead cats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 689

You deserved it 2 577

AdamwithanA tells us more.

AdamwithanA 6

Thursday 11 October 2012 9:49

I couldn't tell how many for sure but it was pretty heavy and the smell was unbelievable.

By Anonymous - 04/11/2010 15:04 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of two years dumped me, because I'd changed too much for her to bear, and I was breaking her heart. How did I change? I got braces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 868

You deserved it 3 324

Technique

By shiznit - 25/10/2010 19:05 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out that the only way to get my boyfriend to last more than one minute in the sack is to let him watch cartoons while we do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 702

You deserved it 4 304

By Anonymous - 18/10/2010 16:01 - United States

Today, it's my two year anniversary with my wife. She's celebrating the day with her new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 116

You deserved it 3 401

By Kittykat900 - 22/05/2013 16:47 - United Kingdom - Dewsbury

Today, I was out on a family walk, when I overheard two women talking to each other. One of them was wondering how a kid with such good looking parents and grandparents could be so ugly. That kid is my daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 486

You deserved it 3 915

Kittykat900 tells us more.

Kittykat900 4

Wednesday 22 May 2013 23:39

Hi OP here, a little extra detail. My little girl (7 years old) is having her "bad haircut faze" she is self conscious about it and it didn't help that she overheard this obnoxious woman! I had to spend hours building back up her confidence. It was truly a horrible thing to do. Sorry it doesn't show up as mine as I posted it from my phone and then made an account!

Fundies

By CatOwner - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my father spent half an hour trying to convert my cat to Christianity. He has already done this with my other two cats. He's completely serious and thinks they are born-again Christians. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 285

You deserved it 3 387

By failedparenting - 07/09/2016 16:44 - United States - Bronx

Today, I figured out why I have been feeling so drowsy and lethargic for the past week. My daughter had been slipping sleeping pills into my coffee as payback for taking her phone away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 874

You deserved it 1 748

By Judy69 - 07/04/2012 07:04 - United States - Dekalb

Spicy

Today, things were getting heated between me and the guy I like, and we were about to have sex. I told him to turn the TV off so we can get started. His response? "But I like this show." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 649

You deserved it 6 045

By MenSuck - 01/09/2009 03:56 - United States

Today, I told the guy I have been sort of dating that I want to connect emotionally before sleeping with him. He told me that he already had an emotional connection with his fiancée and was only interested in sleeping with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 416

You deserved it 9 111

mensuck tells us more.

mensuck 0

Thursday 3 September 2009 22:07

Just to clear the air: 1.I'm not a ****, obviously, since I didn't sleep with the creep 2.I did not know about the girl 3.Sort of dating means: going on dates, kissing, holding hands, but not boyfriend/girlfriend (aka that weird stage when your facebook relationship status goes blank or to it's complicated) 4.Trust me, I ran very fast, and there were no obvious warning signs 5.Thanks for reading.

Please don't do that

By anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. He suddenly pulled away, goes, "OMNOMNOMNOM" then continued kissing me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 367

You deserved it 22 556

By blah! - 08/12/2013 13:19 - United States - Newington

Today, my grandkids went around my house claiming items to inherit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 667

You deserved it 4 114

By lingadoo - 07/12/2012 05:46 - Kuwait - Kuwait

Today, I thought I felt something itch my butt as I sat down on the toilet. Sure it was just my imagination, I did my business. When I was done I saw there were 4 cockroaches crawling under the seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 087

You deserved it 4 860

Having fun?

By hoho5191 - 20/07/2009 16:50 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was at a friend's party. Her neighbor and I really hit it off. We went off into the woods and left everyone, including her parents, at the bonfire. We started hooking up when my friend ran over. Apparently they could see everything. We had on glow stick necklaces and bracelets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 075

You deserved it 69 523

By charma - 11/07/2009 13:14 - United States

Today, my daughter was telling everyone at her elementry school about my gay partner. Yes, I have a gay partner. He is my work partner and he happens to be gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 188

You deserved it 5 146

By willtype4food - 10/09/2012 00:45 - Finland

Today, uncertain of having a job next month or being able to pay rent, I'm filling out tens of online surveys a day for gift cards to McDonald's, to buy hamburgers that I can freeze so I will have food for the coming months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 845

You deserved it 2 929

Chlamydia central

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Saint Cloud

Today, I found out what it feels like to have a cotton swab shoved up my cock's piss-pipe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 653

You deserved it 9 608

By strictly cum prancing - 11/12/2015 19:48 - United States

Today, my boyfriend backed out on our date so he could help his best friend get ready for some kind of drag queen competition. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 320

You deserved it 6 920

By Anonymous - 11/07/2012 05:29 - United States - Dallas

Today, my boss asked me if he could pay me in gum. Thinking he was playing around, I agreed. He wasn't playing around. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 029

You deserved it 9 886

By **(: - 09/08/2011 04:23 - United States

Today, I learned that if you stare down an attractive man while pumping gas, he'll stare back. Then he might ask for your number. At which point his girlfriend will get out of the car and threaten to kick your ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 572

You deserved it 12 619

By Sexylarry - 03/09/2010 19:42 - France

Spicy

Today, I was feeling in the mood, so I walked into the kitchen with only my boxers on and asked my girlfriend if she wanted to get in bed. She said, "Okay, but make sure to finish before Gossip Girl starts." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 650

You deserved it 8 236

BREAKING

By too young for this - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my mom broke the news that my dad secretly got married two months ago, to a woman he has been dating for 15 years, and that my parents have actually been divorced for 12 years. They just lied about it this whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 005

You deserved it 5 963

By Anonymous - 09/08/2015 03:53 - United States

Today, I found out my babysitter has been selling the breastmilk I produce for my baby and replacing it with formula, while still taking my money every week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 835

You deserved it 2 360

By nerdgirlmickey - 03/03/2013 16:05 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I found out my girlfriend can do Heath Ledger's "Joker" voice perfectly. I'm not sure if I should be scared or impressed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 047

You deserved it 6 960

Brainrot

By M…… - 23/05/2011 19:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I went back to the key cutter for the second time because apartment key I gave to my boyfriend didn't work. The man cut me another key and apologised profusely. When I got home and tried the key, it didn't work. I realised I'd asked him to copy the wrong key. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 074

You deserved it 43 438

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Today, my guy finally got his brother out of their house so we could try and get busy. It was going okay when he tried to put on a condom. It got soft. We messed around a little longer tried again. Then a third time. I finally just started to get dressed and he took me to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 300

You deserved it 204

Today, my girlfriend met my brother who, despite being 10 years older, is taller, smarter, slimmer, richer, more handsome, and just objectively better in every way. He always has been. An hour ago, she broke up with me. Meeting my brother convinced her she'd settled for me and could do better with almost anyone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 215

You deserved it 169

Today, our boat broke down in the middle of a lake at sunset. We called our friend for help, and his truck and trailer got stuck in mud at the boat ramp. We called the sheriff's office to tow his vehicle out of the mud. The tow strap broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 650

You deserved it 159

Today, for my 18th birthday my mum gave me a black lace thong. I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 384

You deserved it 4 177

Today, I made my new girlfriend orgasm for the first time. All she said after was "I drooled a little". FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 756

You deserved it 5 957

Today, I went for a swim in the sea. It was early and I was the only one in the water. i swam out far, then my tummy rumbled big time. Next thing I knew, I'd shat my shorts. It went everywhere. I had to scoop the poop out with my hand and wash it off whilst swimming back to shore. I had to shower afterwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 581

You deserved it 228