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By Anonymous - 18/11/2012 12:13 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, after I spent two hours trying to teach my girlfriend to play sudoku, she broke up with me, tearfully claiming that I'd made up a fake, imaginary game to make her feel stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 787

You deserved it 3 690

By WTF - 03/12/2014 21:21 - United States - Conroe

Today, my boss at my new call center job said he'd gotten complaints about me. Apparently I sound "too black" and it's "upsetting" some of our customers. I don't know what that even means, but my boss said I need to "tone it down or we're gonna have some problems". FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 193

You deserved it 3 794

By Anonymous - 24/11/2010 22:00 - Canada

Today, I went to my Calculus lecture, one of a class of 200 people. As I looked down I noticed that a guy a few rows in front of me was on Facebook. When I took a closer look, I noticed he was viewing my profile. He stalked the profile for a full 45 minutes. I have never met this guy in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 347

You deserved it 5 473

By ._. - 05/06/2013 00:08 - United Kingdom - Letchworth

Today, my wife uttered the soul-crushing words, "But we're married now, why would we have sex?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 92 864

You deserved it 8 870

Thanks for coming to my Ted talk

By helen_ - 23/04/2009 15:51 - United States

Today, I had to go to my 10 year-old son's school to talk about my job being a chef. As I was almost finished, I asked the kids "What would you like to do when you grow up?" Without hesitation one kid replied with a straight face, "Anything but being a douchebag like you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 542

You deserved it 6 062

By nick - 18/05/2012 07:22 - United States

Today, I came home to find a note on my door from the neighbor saying, "I saw a coyote eat your dog, but was afraid it was rabid." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 095

You deserved it 2 622

By Anonymous - 21/04/2013 17:36 - Kuwait - Kuwait

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend that taking triple the maximum dosage of painkillers won't actually triple its effects. She rolled her eyes, called me clueless, and said that I should "leave this stuff to the professionals." She's studying to become a doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 226

You deserved it 6 455

By Anonymous - 17/04/2012 19:29 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I woke up to a text from my mother-in-law saying, "Happy birthday! I hope you have great birthday sex!" I'm now afraid to go over there for dinner tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 918

You deserved it 3 181

First date going well

By johnfrank - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was on a blind date with a girl my friend set me up with. We went to a fancy restaurant and she ordered the shrimp. I told her, "I'm allergic to shrimp, so you shouldn't order it in case I want to kiss you later." She looked at the waiter and said, "I'll have the shrimp." FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 482

You deserved it 36 098

By AH. - 07/09/2009 18:16 - United States

Today, I told my parents that all I wanted for my 18th birthday was to go to a restaurant in NYC for a nice dinner. My parents said no, because it would cost too much money. I came home to see my parents had bought a huge TV for $800. We already have 3 televisions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 908

You deserved it 4 371

Take that

By anonymous - 26/01/2010 12:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at my Muay Thai class. We were doing a combination which consisted of a low kick, body kick and head kick. My partner had already done the low kick so I held the pads for the body kick. He kicked me straight in the jaw. I'm a teenage girl and he's a fully grown man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 295

You deserved it 3 811

By Anonymous - 14/12/2009 05:15 - Canada

Today, after taking my clothes out of the washer, I noticed at the very bottom of the washer my boyfriend's USB stick I found a couple of days ago. The USB stick contains his English essay, and his novel he has been working on for almost six months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 258

You deserved it 32 358

By SpiderFather - 02/07/2013 08:01 - France

Today, my seven-year-old son put a spider in the microwave. Animal cruelty? No. The goal was to irradiate it, then get it to bite him so that he would become Spider-Man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 476

You deserved it 46

By Sad Sally - 24/04/2012 11:22 - United States

Today, a therapist told me that I was too depressed to attend his depression group meetings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 711

You deserved it 2 974

By Anonymous - 03/08/2010 06:17 - United Kingdom

Today, I start work in an office, with my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 564

You deserved it 12 702

By 2285morgan - 15/12/2011 20:12 - United States

Today, I heard my alarm go off, dragged myself out of bed, had breakfast and got ready for work. As I was heading out the door I checked the time again. It was 1:41 AM. Apparently my alarm never actually went off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 482

You deserved it 6 103

Look!

By dinosaurboy - 06/02/2010 20:01 - United States

Today, my mom and I went to the mall to look for some boxer briefs. While looking, I saw two girls I knew from school, so I went over to say hello. At least, that was my plan, but my mom screamed, "Look! These have dinosaurs on them!" They left the store giggling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 713

You deserved it 5 471

By Dumbass - 20/06/2009 06:01 - United States

Today, I bought a new mailbox to replace the old one that was stolen. Two hours after I put the new mailbox up, the old one was back and the new one was missing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 447

You deserved it 38

By fattymcbutterpants - 19/06/2011 05:19 - United States

Today, I'm a nanny. After the kids went to bed the dog wouldn't stop barking violently unless I held the end of a blanket for him to hump. I need a raise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 815

You deserved it 3 532

By mrteacher - 21/08/2009 22:15 - United States

Today, I was driving to work and I had to pee really badly. I am a teacher and my school was another 20 miles so I stopped on the side of the road. About halfway through, a bus full of laughing kids went by. They were all my students. My pants were down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 238

You deserved it 47 305

By roadkill0321 - 07/11/2011 07:20 - United States

Today, my recently ex-girlfriend's mother called me regarding her baby girl, saying, "If you mess with the chicklet, you mess with the momma hen." I have no idea what the hell this means for my future, but I'm a bit scared. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 510

You deserved it 5 389

By rileym797 - 17/06/2009 06:00 - United States

Today, my wife took herself, the kids, and extended family members I've never even heard of to New York. She paid the 7,000$ bill with my credit card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 424

You deserved it 4 696

By Anonymous - 06/09/2012 01:34 - Canada

Today, I told a girl that she had very pretty eyes. I then had to rinse pepper spray from my own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 942

You deserved it 2 898

By Brie - 05/09/2011 13:00 - United States

Today, my grandmother pulled down her pants and screamed, "Kiss my ass" in the middle of a packed restaurant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 241

You deserved it 3 213

Planning

By holly - 18/07/2010 14:18 - Germany

Today, I was practising the violin in my apartment. A man knocked on the door and introduced himself with a smile, saying he wanted to know my "schedule." I replied, "I'm pretty busy but maybe we could get a drink sometime." To which he replied, "No, I just want to know when you'll stop." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 083

You deserved it 20 198

By Anonymous - 06/12/2013 16:13 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend and I finally watched Toy Story 3; I ended up crying when the toys almost die. After the movie, my girlfriend broke up with me because I embarrassed her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 287

You deserved it 12 348

Smooth

By Rhine - 16/12/2012 23:51 - Barbados - Bridgetown

Today, at a Christmas party, my crush came up to me and cutely pointed out that I was standing under mistletoe. The only response my stupid brain could think of was, "Probably full of nargles though." He gave me a confused look and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 196

You deserved it 15 079

By Anonymous - 25/11/2010 17:54 - United States

Today, I woke up with a hangover, a shaved head, and my period. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 162

You deserved it 24 377

By luvlessbootycall - 24/07/2010 05:23 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of three months texted me saying he loves me. I excitedly started texting back, "I love you too." Before I even got done, he messaged again saying, "Can you send a pic of your tits to me now?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 804

You deserved it 6 891

By Anonymous - 16/02/2011 12:54 - Australia

Today, I have a condition that, when I pull my foreskin back, it looks as if a rubber band has been put on it. The doctor told me the only way to fix it was to have me circumcised. My mum laughed, then asked him if he had a magnifying lens to do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 686

You deserved it 4 985

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The Top

Today, I found out my brother-in-law did time last year for being a pedophile. His mommy told my spouse to tell no one that he served time. I'm the sister-in-law and no one told the sister who has young daughters. The pedo is mommy's precious boy who can't do wrong. He did this time. How dare mommy protect him like that? FML

I agree, your life sucks 411

You deserved it 74

Today, as a reward for starting to eating healthy, I got the squits at work. After going to the restroom, my stall didn't have toilet paper, the other two stalls didn't have any either. My boss definitely noticed too when he walked in on me with my pants around my ankles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 724

You deserved it 1 748

Today, I found out that my parents are extremely active swingers by finding their online profile with photos of my mom with a dildo. I guess those out-of-town trips weren't just holidays. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 357

You deserved it 435

Today, I overloaded the washing machine and it flooded the downstairs. The flooring will have to be scrapped and drywall replaced. It's 100% my fault. Did I mention this is not my house? FML

I agree, your life sucks 322

You deserved it 1 175

Today, my fiancée said that our relationship is doomed because an astrologer said so. We only have a few more days until our wedding and she won't listen to a word I say. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 834

You deserved it 2 577

Today, my mother bolted into my room and let out a huge fart that smelled like rotten meat because she wanted to prove a point, that she had been having intestinal problems for three days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 247

You deserved it 232